S/O of rich: Mo' money, mo' problems?

mommy3b2c

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 6:47 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Having guest I understand can be a burden, but implying that cleaning help can be considered a burden? That's laughable. That's like saying kids are a problem because they need to be watched and fed and shopped for etc.
(Yes, I have a cleaning lady, yes I need to stay home when she's here and reschedule my day, yes I need to give her food and lose privacy... and yes, I often thank Hashem for sending her my way, and I never ever view it as a burden, just as a privilege.)

I agree with you. Some of the comments on this thread are ridiculous. Oh you poor, poor babies!! You need to buy extra wardrobes for your ski vacations!!! However will you manage?? (Sarcasm for all who have hard time with that)

amother

Linen

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 6:50 pm

amother wrote:

Its intresting. I dont think you would want my life either.
I'm as poor as they get.
My husband was very sick for two years so we went with zero income. Some of our children need therapy for the sideaffects of my husbands illness. I have another sick child in the home that needs constant care but is too smart and healthy to be placed in an institution. I am zanked from running out to an appointment every single bingle day.
I desperately need therapy for myself just to help me continue.
You know what takes away my dignity the most?
That I dont have the means to take a cab or train to run out a little.
That every penny that I need has to be begged for.
Would money take away my problems? No. Would it give me some dignity? I let you answer.

I see I should not have responded. I did not imagine my post would cause you pain.

amother

Rose

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:04 pm

amother wrote:

We are technically well off right now but have health issues in the family people don't know about or think are minor.
We are grateful to afford the best care but we don't live large. I think most people would not want my life if they knew the truth.
We Give a lot of charity. Plus help family.
Jobs that pay well absorb your whole life. It's hard to imagine if your not living it. We have a lot of stresses.
Just a look from the other side.

We are not well off with money. And we have health issues in the family. We cannot afford the best care. But we don't have a choice. We pay for natural doctors because our child needs it, but it's at the expense of other basic needs that we can't pay for.

33055

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:07 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Yes, but having a cleaning lady full time is different. You NEVER have privacy. There is pressure to have things ready for her at 8 in the morning and having her there until 6. Imagine this almost everyday.

There are diminishing returns with anything. I would be very sad if I didn't have a cleaning lady. But at some point, the lack of privacy is more aggregating than the additional cleaning.

If someone loves a big house and is house proud, maybe their attitude is different. I like simpler and less complicated. I don't like paperwork and maintenance.

I love my kids, but to deny they are work is not being realistic. I wouldn't give up my kids because of the work. But I don't feel that way about material possessions.

amother

Linen

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:13 pm

amother wrote:

I did not say you caused me pain. I would be crazy by now if I would have pain from trivial things like this.
I thought you might want to hear the other side and I challenged you with one question; would money give me some dignity?

Don't run away. I still enjoy talking objectively about my situation. Please do answer! Smile

I am not posting any more specifics. Yes money gives dignity. But I still think you wouldn't switch places with me.

I am not going to give into the temptation to post more details dm so you should feel sorry for me. If it maless everyone feel better to imagine that money solves problems, at least you have something to hope for, I suppose.

I find squishy very obnoxious. Please don't confuse me with her.

amother

Rose

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:18 pm

Squishy wrote:

My insurance used to pay for an aid for my daughter. 6 hours a day. The aid was nice enough to be my cleaning lady. I did not have any privacy ever. I always had therapists in the house too. Every therapist had a say if I feed my kids enough or not...my aid was not smart at all. It wasn't like having real cleaning help. I was so thankful that I had her. Because otherwise I would have no cleaning help. Even if I had no privacy it was worth it for me.
If you are rich you don't have to have the cleaning lady full time if you don't need to. There are rich people that nobody knows they are rich. But they don't have any problems paying their bills, therapy, music or art lessons for their kids...I don't believe in this saying money creates problems. If you believe in it, just give me your money I don't mind having it.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:19 pm

Squishy wrote:

So give the cleaning lady less hours. But stop trying to convince people that cleaning ladies are a problem.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:24 pm

amother linen wrote:

I did not confuse you with squishy. I am responding to linens post.
I am also tempted to post more but I dont want to because I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have enough of that.
I did not ask if money solves problems. I asked if it can provide some dignity. Thanks for responding.

Hugs for the hardships you have. I am sorry if I made you feel invalidated. Hugs.

Zehava

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:34 pm

Squishy wrote:

Who exactly is forcing you to have a cleaning lady full time? Scratching my head at this one.
Plus I don’t work this hard for my once a week cleaning lady. I don’t have to have anything ready for her. She thankfully knows my house and manages on her own just fine. If I ever do hire someone for more often I would look for one who is quiet and efficient and can manage on her own. Plenty of professional housekeepers who can manage that if one has the money they pay them.

Fox

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:52 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

So give the cleaning lady less hours. But stop trying to convince people that cleaning ladies are a problem.

I can't speak for Squishy, but I think her point is not that cleaning ladies are a problem, but that wealth gives you different problems. Whether those problems are better or worse depends on the individual.

Right now I don't have a cleaning lady, but I did for many years. And if she didn't show up for whatever reason, hey, life went on. The floor didn't get mopped or the silver didn't get polished. If she was lousy at doing windows or forgot to wipe down the ceiling fans, we managed to survive!

But if your home is constantly being used for parlor meetings, bridal showers, and teas? You can't let it go as easily. You have people traipsing through for all kinds of reasons, and your home is expected to look well-maintained. Having the cleaning lady call in sick can be a major problem if there's an event scheduled that night and you have to take your kids to appointments most of the day.

I know a couple of well-to-do women who've become completely burned out. The time they spent on the phone coordinating use of their homes; dealing with volunteers; caterers; cleaning crews; and various guests added up to a 40+ hour-per-week job. But instead of a paycheck, they got complaints if they weren't able to accommodate everyone's demands and criticism behind their backs.

Nor is there much sympathy for someone who cuts back on social or communal obligations for personal reasons. Each organization thinks you owe them your time and attention. How could you be so selfish as to refuse your home for the annual Pesach Egg Roll or whatever scheme they've cooked up?

Need your husband's presence at home to help a struggling child? Tough luck, cookie! He's got board meetings three nights this week.

While I doubt that anyone prefers actual poverty to the demands of wealth, it's not realistic to think that you can be wealthy within the Jewish community without also shouldering significant responsibilities. Most of us like the fantasy of upping our lifestyle a bit without having to do any heavy communal lifting.

amother

Oak

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:52 pm

Theres a big difference being comfortable and being a billionaire. I always say I would like to win a 5 million dollar lottery. I would NOT want to win 500 million.

amother wrote:

I myself am not "rich" (comfortable, b"H) but I work with some super-rich people.

It's hard to bring up children without the spoiled-rich-kid mentality
People are upset if you don't give them money that they believe they're entitled to
They're bombarded by tzedaka requests
They don't know if any of their friends are real friends
They're vulnerable to gold-diggers
They live in fear of losing money/having to live at a lower standard
They're under a lot of pressure (self-imposed, family, friends)

Quote:

These people often are the biggest givers of tzedukah but at the same time, everyone has a hand in their pocketbooks. It is challenging to have money because everyone has a cause and feels entitled to the rich person's money. Then they get upset at the wealthy for not giving them what they feel entitled to.

This! My dh works for a billionaire. He always says he would never want to trade places with him.

amother

Rose

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:56 pm

Fox wrote:

Why does everyone have to know if a person is rich? If said person doesn't up his lifestyle and just lives comfortably. And pays whatever they need to pay for no one will bother them to make parties. People should just give quietly without parties. I don't believe in all these parties. I would rather give tzedakah where I know everything goes to the person.

amother

cornflower

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:58 pm

amother wrote:

You used your daughters aid as a cleaning lady? I don’t think that’s very ethical.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:59 pm

Fox wrote:

I’m going to say it again. Having a cleaning lady is not a problem. Hosting teas and parlor meetings is not a problem. Coordinating events and dealing with volunteers are not problems.

The following are problems:

1) mental illness
2) physical illness
3) having your gas turned off
4) shalom bayis problems
5) infertility

These are just a few. Of course rich people have these problems to. But they have the money to try and help solve these problems. Convincing people that having full time help is a problem is one of the silliest things I ever heard.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 8:04 pm

Zehava wrote:

Exactly. I never prepare anything for my cleaning lady. She prepares everything for me. She even makes me lunch. She comes and goes as she pleases. At the end of the week she adds up her hours and I pay her. She’s one of my biggest blessings. You know when I have a problem? When she doesn’t come. That’s when the problems start.

pause

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 8:09 pm

amother wrote:

This. All these money "problems" that people are describing are only problems if others know they have money. When rich people live simply, they don't have such kind of issues.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 8:11 pm

just because you are wealthy doesn't mean you have to do these things. My grandfather was wealthy. He didn't want to be honored at dinners so he said no. My grandmother wanted to be president of an organization so she said yes. The problem is when you want people to like you. I would feel bad that people are upset at me, my husband on the other hand would tell them to go fly a kite.

And a lot of the "problems" you are mentioning would be prevented by not making your wealth obvious. People won't ask you to host teas if you don't have the space. You don't have to live in a large house if you don't want to.

Fox

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 8:40 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

It's not a contest. If you feel that some of the responsibilities that come with wealth wouldn't be "problems" for you, then great. They are problems for many people.

Are there worse problems? Well, of course!

But this is like the old dog food advertisement: "My dog's bigger than your dog. My dog's bigger than yours. My dog's bigger 'cause he eats Purina. My dog's bigger than yours."

Someone can come along and say, "Oh, yeah? You think illness, lack of heat, a bad marriage, or infertility is a problem? What about a physical disability that prevents people from considering you for a shidduch in the first place?" or "At least you're married! I have all those problems and have never found my zivug! I'm facing them alone!"

When you start creating a hierarchy of problems, it's a never-ending cycle. Yes, money clearly makes some things easier. Other things, not necessarily. Telling someone who is busy throwing up because she has the flu or is newly pregnant . . . and is expecting 50 people in her home within a few hours that her "problems" don't meet your standard? Well, that's equally silly.