When you help someone- do whats good for you or for recipien

amother

Blush

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 9:47 pm

relish

Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:26 am

imasoftov wrote:

Ask a rabbi about permission to sever contact.

I agree with this approach, as op is going through severe stress right now, and her parents are just adding to the stress. Not good for op.

However, there are ways to set boundaries and limits that are not as extreme as severing contact. It would take inner work to make that happen. The most important peice imo is to separate them from you in your mind.
They may be your parents, but the more you can picture dad as "this funny/sorry/bitter older man, who still cares so much about what the world thinks of him" the easier it will be to maintain a relationship with him, while not being stepped on. Same with mom. Outwardly, you treat them with the respect you need to, but it takes the emotions out of the interaction.

33055

Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:34 am

relish wrote:

With everything, OP needs to weigh whether she is better off with them or without them. Her other children are also going through a scary trauma now. It isn't the time to add to it. IMO, it is the time to normalize things as much as possible.

I think they did and said some thoughtless things, but to take away their support is drastic. If OP isn't up to a conversation, she can text or having a sibling/DH/a friend speak on her behalf.

Setting limits is worth a shot.

relish

Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:34 am

Suggestions for way some to handle it moving forward are in brackets.

amother wrote:

recipient?

We are in a situation now where we need to rely on others people help in some aspects. While I'm very much appreciating the help we're getting, but some of it is actually very 'not' helpful but the person doing it thinks she must do this to help us...

For example- my child was admitted for surgery earlier than planned. I wanted to send my other kids to my friend so my husband could still visit them while I'm in the hospital. instead my mother yelled at us for sending to a friend cuz its really bad for the family name and it looks like g-d forbid our family doesn't want to have them over and she had my brothers that live in a different city pick them up. this caused us a lot of heartache and I don't want to go into all details why on here...

(You provided enough detail right here to portray a very stressful situation. You are the parents of these children. Grandparents don't usually get to control these things. You have a right to say "no". If brother comes, even after you said no, you can thank brother for coming, and let him know that you made other arrangements, but you so appreciate his willingness to help.)

or, my mother sending us supper when I clearly told her I'm good for today. no I made supper for you. I know she made it with mesirus nefesh because of other things going on and then it becomes a whole issue on how to get the supper over... so some nights when this happens I
A) already had supper when she notified me that she's sending
B) sometimes its easier for me to stick a pack of chicken bottoms in the oven to broil than logistically getting the supper over or it coming to us too late for my preschoolers to eat.

(Personally, I would thank mom for supper, but not get involved in arranging for it to be transported to you. If it comes to late, stick it in the fridge/freezer for another night. Thank her for her care, and don't tell her when it will be used.)

It bothers me immensely because I'm a very Makir tov kind of person, and here I'm feeling so resentful (a lot more happened than these two examples) because it feels like she's doing it for her ego...
(You can accept what is good for you, and decline offers that are stressful for you. It's your choice as an adult.)

as my father clearly told me last time my child was in the hospital and we asked food from an organization for shabos, "We were so humiliated you did this, think about your parents for a change...
(He was completely out of line. Think nebach, he's losing his mind, or think his feelings of shame belong to him and I trust him to be able to be able to process them. If god gave him the feelings of shame, god knows that he can handle them, or think whatever you have to think to separate his feelings from you).

relish

Wed, Nov 22 2017, 8:38 am

Squishy wrote:

It is, if it won't cause more stress to op. Maybe it's worth it to go for a few sessions of therapy, or coaching in order for op to be able to formulate her approach in her mind.
Franticfrummie comes to mind at the moment. She is a coach, and I believe she is very reasonably priced.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Nov 22 2017, 9:03 am

Op refuah shelaima.

I'm so sorry that your parents are giving you a hard time.

At this time, when your family is in crisis mode, you have to do what's best for you and your family so that you all get thru it in one piece.

If your kids are in another city, how will they get to school? Is in middle of the school year. This is beyond bizarre.

I can't fully say btdt, because bh I have amazing siblings who are my best friends to help out. We are all in the same boat so we support each other.
My mother sounds just like yours only 10× worse. She inserts herself in any and every stressful situations and manipulatesee everyone and anything to suit her ideas of what should be and how she will look good to the 'world'. (Whatever that may be)
She almost got my kids surgery canceled (that was crucial to happen that day the next chance would be next month and that would have been very dangerous). And my husband wasn't there because he was sitting shiva.
I asked her NOT to come but she came. And turned a stressful time into pure he'll Ishmael nightmare. It was hard focusing on my poor baby in recovery.

As of now we are not in contact.

Op, hang in there.
It sounds likeep you have good friends.
Organizations for suppers and other help is there for times like these. Please don't hesitate to call. There is NO SHAME at all.

If you didn't do an aveira, then there is no shame. You might feel shame - and that's OK. Feelings are there. But knowe intelecutally that what you are doing is right for you, for your family, at this time.

May you soon be on the giving end. With health and menuchas hanefesh.

(Eta, my phone is acting weird today. Please excuse the extra words here or there and the spelling.
I can't get it to stop and when I delete it the whole sentence goes....)