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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
Mustard
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Sun, Nov 26 2017, 2:13 am
My dd19 who is in seminary, is becoming quite different (for her) with me. She is avoiding me. She is quite close to several madrichot (a bit too much IMO) and confides in her sem principal (male), and while I have great respect for him, it seems the sem should have her speak with a woman. My dd tells me it's none of my business, is often abrupt and rude, and has a history of lying to me for the last 3 years (that I know of).
She has had a life coach and I've encouraged her to see a frum, female therapist (she's not in Israel). She said it's none of my business. I told her it is because we have to file to have our insurance pay for it. After some research, it seems lots of women go to this particular male therapist, he's very good, etc.. So I guess I'm ok with that.
Because my trust in her is low from our history, I don't know if I should be overly concerned or if she is just individuating in a negative way. She also said she may not want to come home in the spring because "it's not good for her spiritual growth". Really? So, she's obviously angry and disturbed about something. When I sent her off to sem a few months ago, we had a close (I thought) relationship (yes, with lots of history but it was really in a good place, considering...). I really don't know what to do but I have a strong feeling she is being turned against me by someone. The hanhala I've spoken to say she is always smiling, but that means little to me because she is a good actress. I think I should speak to the principal but I'm sure he will not tell me anything as he won't breach her confidence (understandably). Is this "normal" behavior? She is very easily influenced by her peers but this group of girls seems pretty good. I'm trying to give her space but something feels "off" to me.
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amother
Blush
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Sun, Nov 26 2017, 2:29 am
Are you afraid the principal might be doing something inappropriate like touch etc?
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amother
Mustard
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Sun, Nov 26 2017, 2:34 am
It has crossed my mind, since I'm quite concerned about the behavior change. He is youngish (40ish) and she does have a crush on him (I can tell), although his wife is stunning, they teach bayis Yehudi together and he has been there for many years and there have been NO rumors, so I think it unlikely, IY"H.
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amother
Lavender
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Sun, Nov 26 2017, 2:36 am
A while ago there was a thread by a mother sending her daughter to seminary where the mother seemed way too enmeshed. If that's you, then maybe you need to back off a bit. If not, trust your gut, and ask around. Speak to alumnae of this seminary and see what they say.
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amother
Mustard
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Sun, Nov 26 2017, 3:06 am
I'm not really thinking it's the Rosh, I'm just seeing such a sudden change in her. She is very flippant and dismissive toward me. Maybe this is normal...she's my oldest.
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amother
Pink
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Sun, Nov 26 2017, 8:46 am
amother wrote: | A while ago there was a thread by a mother sending her daughter to seminary where the mother seemed way too enmeshed. If that's you, then maybe you need to back off a bit. If not, trust your gut, and ask around. Speak to alumnae of this seminary and see what they say. |
This is exactly what I thought reading this post.
Op, are we correct?
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Rachel Shira
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Sun, Nov 26 2017, 8:53 am
OP, I read your previous posts and know which seminary your daughter is in. I went there. PM me if you would like and I can allay some of your concerns.
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newface34
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Sun, Nov 26 2017, 9:46 am
It's kind of normal yes.
Time away from home and away from parents opens up our eyes to new things that may or may not have been healthy for us. I would think it's great she's close with her madrichas and principal, that means she's open to authority and respects knowledge of elders (better than thinking she knows everything on her own). She could just be going through a change, which happens to 99% teenagers in seminary. You get this spiritual high accompanied with this sense of freedom from your parents. You feel anew and like you can handle things better on your own with the guidance you choose for yourself.
I understand it's hurtful and she may not know how to be kind towards you just yet, hopefully she will learn that soon. But not sure why you want to bring her back in the spring if she thinks it's better to stay on Israel. You have to let her make her own decisions and figure things out herself, so if she thinks staying is better for herself, I think trust that.
I don't know the exact relationship you guys have, but at some point it will get better. Maybe write her an email and chat with her that way (if she's allowed emails... )
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