Be honest with me | Imamother

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Nov 30 2017, 11:06 am

Ok good writers out there, can you help me edit this? A friend of mind is going through a very difficult time and I went through something similar a few years ago. thanks!

I lie here in bed and my tears do not stop
As I grip the ache in your heart
I remember our time
When every moment was a battle
And my strength was at once king and corpse.
There were times I was a puppet
And Hashem sent the words
There were times I counted floor tiles
And didn’t eat
I will never forget that crushing helplessness
That thought that any hope was in vain.
And when I magnify that pain
And try to fathom yours
My heart screams for me to repair!
I so badly want to dissipate your anguish
For how much can one person bear?
Let our story give you hope
Please see a small flicker
For the birth of hope is dedication
Let your strength be crowned king
But nurture your humanness
For the birth of self-acceptance is stability
Let these tears not fall futile
Please feel that I care
For the birth of empathy is reinforcement
Let pain not break you down
Please feel Hashem’s hand
For the birth of meaning is expansion.
[marq=down]

amother

Seashell

Fri, Dec 01 2017, 4:02 am

I lie here in bed and my tears do not stop,
Gripping the ache in your heart
I remember our time - every moment a battle,
Where my strength was at once king and corpse.
There were times I was a puppet
And Hashem sent the words
There were times I counted floor tiles
And didn’t eat.
I will never forget that crushing helplessness,
The thought that any hope was in vain
And when I magnify that pain
And try to fathom yours
My heart screams!
I long to dissipate your anguish -
For how much can one person bear?
Let our story give you hope
Please see a small flicker,
For the birth of hope is dedication.
Let your strength be crowned king
But nurture your humanness
For the birth of self-acceptance is stability.
Let these tears not fall futile
Please feel that I care
For the birth of empathy is reinforcement.
Let not pain break you down
Feel the hand of Hashem
For the birth of meaning is expansion.

rikki!

Fri, Dec 01 2017, 7:14 am

amother wrote:

I didn't really understand all of it... in "let our story give you hope". Who is 'our'?

Perhaps the couples? I’m thinking infertility issues but it could be a million other things of course.

imasoftov

Sat, Dec 02 2017, 12:46 pm

das wrote:

Please don't send her this very dramatic poem. If you think she would like to hear from you, just write her a letter without the dramatics.

Just liking was not enough.

oliveoil

Sat, Dec 02 2017, 7:26 pm

das wrote:

Please don't send her this very dramatic poem. If you think she would like to hear from you, just write her a letter without the dramatics.

Totally agree.

This poem makes it all about you.

It's also extremely muddled, ambiguous and hyperbolic.