Best way to give this type of tzedaka?

amother

Tan

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 12:10 pm

I would not want to receive a box from Lands End or any other shop. I would rather pick a coat I like. It is not a mitzvah to give someone a coat that is not to his/ her taste.
To preserve the dignity of the person, tzedaka should be about what the needy person needs, not what his/her well-meaning neighbors think he/she needs. When we give what WE think is needed, the dignity of the person suffers terribly and that is no mitzvah imho.

amother

Coral

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 12:17 pm

Squishy wrote:

I did something like this only I gave the credit directly to the mother. I told her DH bought ridiculously expensive shoes for DC, and I returned them. I let her pick out her own shoes. The credit was around $250.

I don't understand how changing the price works. Can't the recipient just see the prices for him are different? Also, I feel sort of bad for the recipient that so many people know.

Every person is different. That person needed my husband to drive him to the store and help him choose a shoe thats comfortable. A different friend realized he needs shoes and he thought my husband would be the best person to take him. My husband is a pretty good actor. And had a good language with the person. The person didn't suspect a thing. He was so thankful.

33055

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 12:27 pm

amother wrote:

Every person is different. That person needed my husband to drive him to the store and help him choose a shoe thats comfortable. A different friend realized he needs shoes and he thought my husband would be the best person to take him. My hkusband is a pretty good actor. And had a good language with the person. The person didn't suspect a thing. He was so thankful.

Why couldn't the salesman help him find a comfortable shoe? Does DH have special expertise? I would offer cab fare or a ride if that was necessary if the recipient couldn't organize travel. I would give the recipient as much dignity as possible.

Why was it necessary to get the sales staff involved in the subterfuge? The more people that know, the bigger the threat to the recipient's dignity.

Perhaps the recipient is also a good actor and your husband didn't suspect he wasn't so happy and felt like a nebeech.

I like the suggestions of having the money come from the Rabbi.

Anyway, it is all good helping people. I am fear from an expert on what is right halachically. I just think how I would like to receive a new pastor of shoes.

amother

Tan

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 12:35 pm

Does the man need help paying his electric bills? Or other necessities?
If I was wearing shoes with holes. I wouldn't be comfortable accepting a new pair of shoes from anyone when the threat of electricity shut-off is weighing heavily on me.
You're familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs? I feel that threats related to shelter and food need to take precedence over a coat. But maybe it's different for each person. I would ask the man what are his most pressing needs, or give him money and let him decide how to allocate it. If I decide for him, his dignity is lost in the process.

amother

Coral

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 1:05 pm

Squishy wrote:

That person was more comfortable with my husband.

Iymnok

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 1:21 pm

If you can't afford groceries and the electricity will soon be shut off, the least you want is that your financial situation isn't announced by your attire.
Holes in shoes and lack of adequate weather protection are great examples.

There may be a way to anonymously pay their bills...

33055

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 1:25 pm

Iymnok wrote:

I think I rather have food and warmth.

ra_mom

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 1:26 pm

amother wrote:

OP is giving a gift receipt so the recipient can exchange it for something in his own style with dignity.
Please don't discourage someone from giving tzedakah because you think it shouldn't be given that way. People give according to what they connect to and dictating the way giving should done up may result in no giving.
I think OP is very generous, and giving with love and dignity.

Last edited by ra_mom on Sun, Dec 03 2017, 7:07 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Maroon

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 1:33 pm

amother wrote:

Is would never want to receive anything anonymous. Then I'll be embarrassed from every single person I meet wondering if that person was the anonymous donor. Rather make up a reason...
My husband once did this for someone that needed shoes. He said he has a credit in a shoe store because he once bought shoes and returned it and it didn't fit. He doesn't have what to do with the credit....the credit will get lost. My husband drove him to the shoe store and picked the best shoes for him. My husband spoke to the owner of the store before and made up with him that whatever shoe he shows him will cost certain price. The amount of the credit. And he will pay the rest later. A few friends together donated the money. My husband carried out the mission.

Kol hackovos to your husband! He seems like a real mentch. I still think it's embarrassing for someone to tell a seemingly poor person....I have a credit in a shoe store. I don't know what to do with it, and it will be lost soon. What, your husband doesn't wear shoes. Most people would see right thru that in about a second and realize it's a tzedakah case. A while back my father lost his job. A little while later the rav of our shul gave him an envelope with money. Was the money collected from various people with my fathers name mentioned? We'll never know. But for-sure it was more comfortable receiving the money from the rav in a discreet way. I don't think we would have felt good if a person from shul would have handed the money to my father. There's just no reason not to go thru a rav. I don't see ANY benefit.

amother

Turquoise

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 1:34 pm

Sometimes people don't wear coats for other reasons. ds and sometimes dh dont always wear a coat here in NY even in the cold if it's not a long walk. Maybe the rav would know the situation. It would be best to send them coats they can exchange or a gift certificate, so that they would use it specifically for coats.

amother

Coral

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 2:18 pm

amother wrote:

Every situation is different. That person came from a different country and didn't know his way around here. My husband knows his language. He was here temporarily for half year. He believed the story.

33055

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 2:24 pm

amother wrote:

You have no way of knowing if he actually believed the story. He would have to be stupid if the prices of shoes kept changing, and he didn't notice.

amother

Coral

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 2:49 pm

Squishy wrote:

You have no way of knowing if he actually believed the story. He would have to be stupid if the prices of shoes kept changing, and he didn't notice.

I was also wondering how my husband was planning on doing it when he told me about it. They couldn't think of any other way. They didn't know who his rav was or if he belonged somewhere. He came home afterwards and said it went very well. The person thanked him very much and was very happy. If he didn't believe it, he was desperate enough to pretend he did.
I know someone who gave away his own coat to my father, maybe was small on him, and my father wore it for years. (I was still a kid then) Who knows maybe that person bought it special for my father? When someone is desperate you sometimes believe stories even if they don't make sense. If you want to help someone seriously Hashem helps you.