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Leaving a child for a week.
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hot chocolate!









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 1:34 pm
Wow!
its me again... thank you all for your passionate and caring messages....
while was a bit overwhelming so much different advice! I'm happy I posted this question, cuz it got me thinking more. I realized that its not black & white, not so simple to leave a toddler for such a long stretch of time...
so we decied, that if we leave him behind, then we will definitely shorten our trip, to a few days versus a week. and I will make sure to call him daily.
I will let u know how it went...
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hot chocolate!









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 1:35 pm
*decided. hate typos ouch!
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tigerwife









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 1:39 pm
gamanit wrote:
I left my daughter at that age. I think I cried more than she did. It was hard for me but not so hard for her. She didn't forget it though. She keeps asking me when she's going to sleep by them again.


Lol! I was just going to post that I once left my 22 month old by a close relative over Shabbos when I went to a family simcha. My baby was (reportedly) great but I spent most of Shabbos crying about it.
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Iymnok









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 2:05 pm
hot chocolate! wrote:
*decided. hate typos ouch!

In the upper right of your post is an "edit" button. Presto, no more typos!
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smile12345









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 2:36 pm
hot chocolate! wrote:
I will make sure to call him daily.


At this age it's sometimes better not to call because hearing your voice reminds them that they're away from you and just makes them sad again. It depends on the child though.
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Metukah









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 3:47 pm
smile12345 wrote:
At this age it's sometimes better not to call because hearing your voice reminds them that they're away from you and just makes them sad again. It depends on the child though.


I agree. Whenever my nieces/nephews stay over I do not allow their parents to talk to them. I've seen what it does. It just makes the children miserable.
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amother




Seashell


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 4:43 pm
I'm sure there are many women here who send their children away when they have a baby. Although it may seem best for the mother at the time, it's not necessarily in the best interests of the children.

Others will come home with as much help as they can afford, whether baby nurse, cleaning, meals sent in, children sent to relatives for much of the day but home to sleep etc. This does create a more stable situation for the children.

However, going to the Kimpeturin Heim is much more fun for Mom.

(I went with some of mine. But my kids were home with Tatty (and spent afternoons with kind relatives and neighbors.)
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Mothers









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 7:19 pm
We left our toddler son at that age for a similar situation (my brother got married in E”Y). We left him with close family members, whom he already knew and liked, and he was babysat by his grandparents as usual.

We packed some of his favorite toys and stuffed animals, so he wouldn’t feel lonely. We also sent along a framed 8x10 photo of DH, me, and him. I instructed his caregiver to hide it away, unless she felt he needed it. That first night, he woke up crying. She picked him up, but she couldn’t get him to stop. Then she remembered the picture. She took it out and showed it to him, and like magic he stopped crying and began to smile and laugh, as she reassured him that we would be coming back to get him. (I still have the picture she took of him in his pajamas - smiling and pointing at that photo.). She left the photo out where he could see it, and he was fine for the rest of our trip. He is b”H 29 now, married with children of his own. He (and we) suffered no ill effects.

I’m sure you know your child. Figure out what will make him comfortable and figure out how to stay in touch. (We spoke to him on the phone, but that was 27 years ago.) Mazel Tov! Enjoy the simcha.
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Bizzydizzymommy









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 7:47 pm
Ive left my 18 month old with my sister in law for an entire week. I am a great and loving mother and I was going away to rejuvenate so that I had the energy to continue to be that loving mommy that I was. I think it's on a case by case basis . But I've babysat my own nieces and nephews ages13 months, 15 months and 2 for over 8 days each and they were the most care free happy kids. They each adjusted immediately and had a great time.
A mother knows her child. My children never suffered from separation anxiety. They loved going away to others. Years later I left my 14 month old with his babysitter and he also loved it and she loved having him too. I think you should go and enjoy yourself. Of course as a mother while you are away you will miss your child and talk about your child. You may have to tell yourself over and over that he's in good hands and that is the truth... he is in good hands.
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smile12345









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 7:59 pm
Bizzydizzymommy wrote:
Ive left my 18 month old with my sister in law for an entire week. I am a great and loving mother and I was going away to rejuvenate so that I had the energy to continue to be that loving mommy that I was. I think it's on a case by case basis . But I've babysat my own nieces and nephews ages13 months, 15 months and 2 for over 8 days each and they were the most care free happy kids. They each adjusted immediately and had a great time.
A mother knows her child. My children never suffered from separation anxiety. They loved going away to others. Years later I left my 14 month old with his babysitter and he also loved it and she loved having him too. I think you should go and enjoy yourself. Of course as a mother while you are away you will miss your child and talk about your child. You may have to tell yourself over and over that he's in good hands and that is the truth... he is in good hands.


This. I don't know why everyone is guilt-tripping OP.
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crust









  


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 10:39 pm
smile12345 wrote:
This. I don't know why everyone is guilt-tripping OP.


I dont think they are guilt-tripping her. People are sharing thier personal experiences.

It is hard to give real advice as this subject is kind of an emotional one.

I agree about mother instincts being real. However, I also know that some people dont know how to diffrentiate between motherly instincts and old fashioned anxiety.


It is not healthy to never hold a child never kiss hug or cuddle. It is not healthy to leave a child for longer periods on a steady basis. It is not healthy to constantly change babysitters or make the child for a ball- to this neighbor today and to this aunt tomorrow.

It is also not healthy to NEVER leave a child while going on a once in a while vacation.

OP It IS healthy to leave the child with a safe person that the child knows and feels safe with.
Some tips that I found helpful even with a little baby.

1. Talk to the child in advance.
I know people are afraid to talk because then the child will cry prematurely. I dont see it this way. Aderabe, let the child cry as long as you are still with him and he can share his tears and non verbal feelings with you.
I tell my child;
Totty and mommy are going to go away. We want you to be safe. We are going to leave you with Tanta Yael. You know Mendy? You saw him by bobbys house? He also lives in that house. Yay!!! Totty and mommy are going to pick you up. You are nohot going to stay there always. You will see!! We will pick you up!!

Kid starts crying. You continue softly- you dont want to be with Tante Yael? Right? You want us to stay home with you? Right? You want to come along? Right?
Kid cries even more. Let it come. Let the child share his tears with you.
Slowly continue explaining; You will sleep in his bedroom. We are going to pack everything in a bag. You want to take along your blanket? Your bear?


2. Never ever drop the child off in a sleeping state.
The child wakes up and probably feels kidnapped.
Yes the child will cry if you drop him off. Again. Let the child cry on your shoulder for a few moments. Dont make it too long of a scene though. Kiss him repeat that you are going to return to pick him up and leave.
(Cry in the car..)

3. Prove to your child that you keep your promise.
When you pick up the child remind him that you said you will pick him up and you did. This will help him be less miserable in the future.

I hope this helps! Enjoy your vacation.
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Thu, Nov 16 2017, 11:59 pm
I personally never leave my children overnight, and the way I arrived at this decision is b/c as a teenager/adult I used to babysit kids whose parents went away overnight. Sometimes it was one night, other times it was a week. Some personalities were traumatized, and other kids were ok, but still didn't feel right, and the only way they could voice it was to talk about how their mother did things a certain way, (they wanted me to do it the "right" way). Basically, they wanted their mother.
I personally found that the younger babies were ok if older siblings were there, while the older siblings were the ones crying. (I never babysat a baby alone).
This was my personal experience. Of course leaving children with a loving grandmother who they see all the time would be totally different. But as a mother my instinct tells me not to leave my kids. When we had an overseas wedding we shlepped two young kids along which was also a fortune. It was a bit of a pain, we only went for 3 1/2 days, but I've never regretted it.
I'm not trying to make OP feel guilty, as one person mentioned, best to discuss your own personal situation with people who know you and your kid, but rather this post is in response to those who think it's totally fine to leave kids for random periods of time just for vacation. This is the "other side of the story."
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amother




Blonde


Post  Fri, Nov 17 2017, 12:08 am
This is my personal experience, but I'm just sharing:

When my DS was almost 2, my husband was hospitalized for a little over a week. We went in late at night via hatzalah after our DS was sleeping. My mother came to sleep over that night. My DS knows my mother very well. He sees her on an almost daily basis.

Background: my DS has been going to a full time daycare since he is a few months old. He was a very independent little boy. Never cried about being dropped off at daycare. Used to being cared for by other people.

My DS had always gone to bed easily at night. We would have our bedtime routine, put him into his crib, and he would go to sleep happily on his own.

While my DH was in the hospital, my DS slept at my parents house every night, and stayed there for shabbos. Again, my DS was very comfortable with my parents, saw them all the time.

When we came home from the hospital, my DS was a changed child. Every night he would cry and check to see if we were there right next to his bedroom door watching him. He couldn't fall asleep. He would wake up in middle of the night. He was afraid we would leave him again.

It took months and months for him to trust us again to put him into his bed and leave him to fall asleep. We slowly had to get him comfortable again.

So to each their own. This is just my experience with my child, and it was caused by a situation that couldn't be helped. So just something to bear in mind.
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amother




Natural


Post  Fri, Nov 17 2017, 12:17 am
amother wrote:
I personally never leave my children overnight, and the way I arrived at this decision is b/c as a teenager/adult I used to babysit kids whose parents went away overnight. Sometimes it was one night, other times it was a week. Some personalities were traumatized,


there is upset - and there is trauma. These are different things - and unless you followed up with the kids after their parents got home - it would be really difficult to know if they were traumatized by the experience of being left with a baby-sitter, or just upset and agitated.

Not suggesting that parents ever want to upset their children - but trauma is a whole other level...
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hot chocolate!









  


Post  Wed, Dec 06 2017, 2:17 pm
Hi Y'all
So as I promised, I'm letting you all know how it went.
In one word it was ;, Awesome.
Baruch Hashem ,my baby was more than ok, he had his house (bubby moved in) his toys, his favorite blankie, etc... I did try telling him before we left, "Bubby and zeidy will come, them we are gonna come and say hello!" but I wonder how much he understood, as he is young.(20 mths)
I was a wreck the day before, and kissing him goodbye was not something I like to remember. but once we landed in exciting England, we thoroughly enjoyed it, stress free.
no carriage , less suitcases. etc. Jet lag was way easier to handle as was able to sleep in.
most importantly it rejuvenated me , and made me so excited to be with DS again.
He was as happy as can be, and every time I spoke to him, I heard him laughing and playing.
My mom said he barely cried, he ate ,slept and played beautifully, bh.
I am so happy I did this, and as one of you pointed out, much of it is / was just anxiety. normal ,healthy anxiety of leaving a child behnd.
Disclaimer; As you all know this will not work for every child obvs. I wasnt sure before I left, but my baby is very happy go lucky, fun-loving baby. he likes routine , but hes ok with strangers. He knew his grandparents, stayed in his own house (a big plus, I imagine.) and had a ball.
With the proper prepearion and arrangements, I highly recommend it! ( with the right child, and duration etc...)
Thanks for your thought-provoking feedback!
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pesek zman









  


Post  Wed, Dec 06 2017, 2:58 pm
hot chocolate! wrote:
Hi Y'all
So as I promised, I'm letting you all know how it went.
In one word it was ;, Awesome.
Baruch Hashem ,my baby was more than ok, he had his house (bubby moved in) his toys, his favorite blankie, etc... I did try telling him before we left, "Bubby and zeidy will come, them we are gonna come and say hello!" but I wonder how much he understood, as he is young.(20 mths)
I was a wreck the day before, and kissing him goodbye was not something I like to remember. but once we landed in exciting England, we thoroughly enjoyed it, stress free.
no carriage , less suitcases. etc. Jet lag was way easier to handle as was able to sleep in.
most importantly it rejuvenated me , and made me so excited to be with DS again.
He was as happy as can be, and every time I spoke to him, I heard him laughing and playing.
My mom said he barely cried, he ate ,slept and played beautifully, bh.
I am so happy I did this, and as one of you pointed out, much of it is / was just anxiety. normal ,healthy anxiety of leaving a child behnd.
Disclaimer; As you all know this will not work for every child obvs. I wasnt sure before I left, but my baby is very happy go lucky, fun-loving baby. he likes routine , but hes ok with strangers. He knew his grandparents, stayed in his own house (a big plus, I imagine.) and had a ball.
With the proper prepearion and arrangements, I highly recommend it! ( with the right child, and duration etc...)
Thanks for your thought-provoking feedback!


I'm so so glad!
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flowerpower









  


Post  Wed, Dec 06 2017, 3:14 pm
Thanks for the update!! So glad it worked out.
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