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So proud of my son! What should the reward be?
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amother




Saddlebrown


Post  Wed, Dec 06 2017, 6:32 pm
amother wrote:
I'm the first amother who responded so I'll explain.

I'm not against rewarding this. I'm just speaking from my own experience which is that some ppl win from a G-d-given talent and very little effort. I may have sometimes "studied" but that literally required me reading the words once or maybe twice. My family once moved and I switched into a new school mid year. I showed up the day of the spelling bee (the girls had been studying for weeks) and won. I should not have been rewarded for that on top of winning the class prize. (PS- if you want a recipe for becoming unpopular in a new school real quick, that's one way to do it.)

It all boils down to: how hard did the kid work for it? And if it was very hard, why wouldn't you reward them either way? My parents didn't reward me but they would heap on the praise (sometimes asking me to spell a word in front of older siblings who got it wrong), and in hindsight, it was really unfair to my siblings.

I did nothing to deserve that. My siblings probably studied harder for their spelling tests than I did. Granted I loved reading, but I didn't create that desire for reading within myself. I was just lucky.

Like if you had a kid who was naturally way more flexible than their sibling due to their bone structure, and they both work equally hard at gymnastics, do you give an extra prize to the one who earned a school medal? Tough call. But I think you need to consider how hard the kid worked for the achievement, what message you're sending about values, and how it's going to impact the other kids in the family.


I hear your point.
But in your book the only reason that he doesn't get rewarded is because he has a particular talent that Hashem gave him, which causes him not to have to work as hard as others.
If you want to play that card, then also take into consideration Hashem could have caused him to lose.
EVERYTHING, comes from Hashem.
The talent and the reward that comes with it.
Why should he miss out just because, B"H, he doesn't need hours of studying and he is able to get it the first time.

Also, IMHO, NOT rewarding him will only bring him to purposely fail, because negative attention is better than no attention at all.
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amother




Sapphire


Post  Wed, Dec 06 2017, 6:37 pm
amother wrote:
I hear your point.
But in your book the only reason that he doesn't get rewarded is because he has a particular talent that Hashem gave him, which causes him not to have to work as hard as others.
If you want to play that card, then also take into consideration Hashem could have caused him to lose.
EVERYTHING, comes from Hashem.
The talent and the reward that comes with it.
Why should he miss out just because, B"H, he doesn't need hours of studying and he is able to get it the first time.

Also, IMHO, NOT rewarding him will only bring him to purposely fail, because negative attention is better than no attention at all.


My parents never gave me rewards on top of what I got from the class/school. I never expected one and was never discouraged from winning. They still expressed pride. Not giving an extra prize doesn't mean no attention. But anyway, each to their own. I've said my piece. Carry on.
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Wed, Dec 06 2017, 6:46 pm
amother wrote:
Maybe it's because I come from a different generation.
Why are so many against rewarding him?
It's not like he just got a participation certificate, he won.
There's no way to win without a little effort.
Maybe he put in less effort than the kid that was taken out after the 5th round, but he studied as much as he needed.
Is a parent allowed to be proud, and show his son that he's proud?
If he were a Gemara cup and won a Gemara contest then they could be proud?

IMHO- get a mini cake that says congratulations, or if you take the family out to dinner regularly, do it in his honor.

If he knows how proud you are, he'll do more and more things you'll be proud of.


I'm with you all the way! Whats with all these cheshbonos? Can't a mom be proud of her son and just express it in some manner to make the child feel special, regardless of the extend of his efforts? Especially when there is no mention of sibling jealousy or an appearance of any detrimental factors in doing so?

OP - your son won! The school recognizes that with an award. You recognize it in a manner befitting a mom (whatever that may be to you), and thats more than just a pat on the back.
What's wrong with making your son feel really special?
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Wed, Dec 06 2017, 6:51 pm
amother wrote:
I hear your point.
But in your book the only reason that he doesn't get rewarded is because he has a particular talent that Hashem gave him, which causes him not to have to work as hard as others.
If you want to play that card, then also take into consideration Hashem could have caused him to lose.
EVERYTHING, comes from Hashem.
The talent and the reward that comes with it.
Why should he miss out just because, B"H, he doesn't need hours of studying and he is able to get it the first time.

Also, IMHO, NOT rewarding him will only bring him to purposely fail, because negative attention is better than no attention at all.


So well said. What is wrong with acknowledging a gift that your child has been blessed with? Let him feel good about it, let him know how special it is and then he will be inclined to build it up to its full potential. If you keep on downplaying it or disregarding it, why would any kid put any effort into developing it? (Of course it comes without saying that it shouldn't be done on the backs of any other children.)
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