Sick of demands all day

amother

Brunette

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 10:33 am

Ok, I do have a toddler, so that I understand. I also have kids who (I think) are old enough not to make demands. And what really gets me is that I have NEVER given in to whining and demands. They should have figured out by now that it gets them nothing! I have NEVER made a separate dinner for someone who doesn't like the dinner that was prepared- what makes them think today will be the day it happens? And yet the demands continue and it's making me nuts! How long does it take for kids to realize that whining and demanding just don't work?

elisheva25

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 11:44 am

That just kind of how it goes....
Kids will be kids
Sometimes its not about the age of the child, but their maturity level
Sometimes I give in for my sanity
Sometimes I remain calm and neutral and kids learn my behavior and calm down
Parenting is just that , hard at times
And you roll with the flow

amother

Cyan

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 11:58 am

As you see it doesn't work then something should be changed.
Kids need empathy. If you give that to them, then the "no" becomes easier to accept, because they know you care about them.
Also it probably doesn't hurt to put yourself in your children's shoes and perhaps be a little more flexible. There is no mitzvah in always saying "no" to your children.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 12:52 pm

I'm NOT always saying no. I say yes IF asked nicely AND it's something that I can say yes to (obviously there are some things that just can't be done no matter how nicely they ask and how badly they want it). They have plenty of fun and get plenty of things/privileges that they want. But there's just been a lot of whining and demanding lately. I guess it's nice to know it's apparently normal, but ugh it's so annoying!

seeker

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 1:59 pm

Can you try to figure out what is making the demands problematic, and train an alternative? For example, if it's the tone/wording, you can stop and retrain every time it happens. Long process but perhaps less grating than just submitting to the onslaught.

amother

Purple

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 2:33 pm

amother wrote:

It's not about always saying no or always say yes.

There's a big difference between, "no" or "I already said no!" and "I wish I could but now we're doing/having xyz, maybe another time. "

amother

Brunette

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 2:56 pm

Thanks for clarifying. That would definitely be something to work on. I empathize well when they're sad and even when they're angry. But whining just gets to me and I have no patience for it. How would I go about empathizing with whining?

amother

Linen

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 3:05 pm

amother wrote:

Try to pay attention to the underlying emotions and need behind the whining. Realize how hard it is to be so small, so dependent on someone else to provide for their needs, and so immature and limited in their ability to express themselves verbally and to manage their emotions due to their developmental stages. Also, try to realize where they are at in their development, and how this is so developmentally normal and they are doing what is in their capacity and capabilities.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 3:11 pm

Thank you! That's pretty much the process when it's actual sadness or anger. I guess I'll have to just work on making myself do it when they're whining and pushing buttons.

amother

Linen

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 3:20 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you! That's pretty much the process when it's actual sadness or anger. I guess I'll have to just work on making myself do it when they're whining and pushing buttons.

The whining covers up the vulnerability of the real emotions. You can try to look at it that way.

seeker

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 3:55 pm

I dunno, I generally see whining demands as more of a habit than an emotional signal. The most empathy it'll ever get out of me is "It seems you need or want something."

I don't pick on every instance of whining because kids will be kids and life's like that sometimes. But if it's getting to be a problematic/habitual level, it needs to get deprogrammed before I lose it. I hate whining.

rachel6543

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 5:33 pm

What I find helps with whining is to say something like, “sorry, I don’t understand you when you whine. You need to speak nicely to mommy in a nice voice. Try again”.

disneyland

Fri, Dec 08 2017, 5:41 pm

I agree with the person who suggested empathy. whining can be very annoying but it's hard for the child to not do it. so maybe you could look at the child and say "I love you so much and would love to make you an extra dinner but I can't, maybe we could play something together or do something fun together at some time.
sometimes I see in my own life that it helps to offer attention and maybe that will work.