How do I guide my post-seminary daughter?

Fox

Mon, Dec 04 2017, 11:43 am

allthingsblue wrote:

To me, it seems she'd benefit from seeing a therapist so she can address whatever fears or anxieties are underlying.

I'm with AllThingsBlue on this. It's not uncommon for young adults to suffer from a little adulthood paralysis, but she's still stuck after six months and the situation is deteriorating.

A therapist is a necessity, IMHO. Whatever has her in limbo is not getting better on its own.

dancingqueen

Mon, Dec 04 2017, 11:49 am

She does sound stuck and scared. But I have an in law relative like this, who was older than your dd and was living at home post grad school for a while. Now she’s working in her field and doing well. Some people are just late bloomers.

But imho I still think a semester at community college or a cheap state school could be a good place for her to figure out what she wants to be and do. Especially since schools always have career counselors that can help her. Not every frum girl knows what she wants to do with her life at 18. She could start in January, if you get on it now.

sneakermom

Mon, Dec 04 2017, 11:51 am

She would benefit from a therapist who could help her sort out her mixed feelings regarding growing up.

Young adulthood is a time when unresolved or buried issues often come to the surface.

Kids can blend in more easily going from grade to grade without certain issues becoming obvious. Until we expect them to act as adults and they can’t.

And therapy can be very very affective in helping her get to a place where she’s open to the world and it’s possibilities instead of hiding and avoiding it all.

amother

Silver

Sun, Dec 10 2017, 8:38 am

OP here: OK...you are all right...she needs therapy ASAP! This has been a long, long week. It's not just about future goals, it's about the short term, even little things. Take for example this Shabbos.....a younger sibling had a ride to spend Shabbos with friends about 3 hours away. The younger daughter left Thursday afternoon. My older daughter has TONS of friends there who would love to see her and constantly invite her to visit. There was plenty of space in the car (just the lady driving and my younger daughter.) The older daughter did not want to go. Her excuse was..."I was just there in November. I don't feel like going back now." OK, fine, if she had other things to do...I guess I could hear. But, what 20 year old wouldn't want to spend time with friends? Is this strange? (She doesn't have anything better to do!)

What type of therapist do you all recommend?

amother

Silver

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 4:37 pm

OP here:
So here is an update: I researched all sorts of courses for dd. I had her make a list of the top 5 things she is interested in. Then I researched online courses for those areas of study (mostly community college type areas of interest, but a great start!) . She doesn't want to take any of them. I can't even get her to look at them on the computer!

She started getting upset today and very stressed. I told her she is getting stressed because she has nothing to do with her time. She has balked at all of my suggestions. She doesn't want to volunteer, get a job, or even take a fun online class. I finally asked her, "Are you motivated to do anything at all?" Her answer was, "No."

Ok, where do we go from here? DH is now concerned looking into the future how she will eve get married one day. I can't even think that far ahead, but, yes, I am concerned as well. How is an unmotivated young lady going to be a wife and mother someday? I just want to cry, honestly.

How do we motivate her? Should we get therapy for her? (I did mention this to her as a possibility to get her moving in the right direction, and that just made her cry more.)

amother

Aubergine

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 4:51 pm

amother wrote:

I finally asked her, "Are you motivated to do anything at all?" Her answer was, "No."

I would follow that with, "is there something that keeps you back?"

My suggestion is to offer her therapy, but not push it. And you and dh can go for some therapy to support you so that you don't dump your frustration on your dd.
She's 20. Let her choose how to live her life. Don't focus your energies on her. She will come to you for support when she is ready.
Do you have an overall loving and respectful relationship with her?

amother

Pearl

Sat, Dec 30 2017, 10:23 pm

amother wrote:

I'll repeat myself. Psychologist to rule out depression.

Tziril Miriam

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 5:10 am

She needs to go to a community college class, in a community college setting, to take advantage of interactions with people. There are all sorts of activities, including career counseling, for her to participate in. She can pack a lunch and/or snacks so she can sit down with others instead of quickly coming and going. Continuing education is part of her future; her future is not hanging around in your home, isolated from the world.

Online classes are not what she needs.

amother

Plum

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:24 am

I did not read through all the responses, but I did read your posts OP

OP, years ago I went through a situation like this with my daughter. She came back from seminary and I though she would be interested in college or at least take a course online, figure out somewhere to work etc. But no matter how many times I strongly suggested places for her to call she just would not make the call. I was not going to go ahead and find my daughter a job, so I figured when push came to shove she would figure something out.
She ended up working for a year at a part time job, working a few hours a day only, and the few hours seemed to knock her out. She would spend all the remaining time alone watching videos and reading books. My daughter too would refuse to even think about getting married, or think about the future. It was not so surprising then, when she finally started seeing a therapist, that she was diagnosed with depression. B'H after a few years (therapy takes time!) she was out of the rut, she got back the light in her eyes and was motivated, started thinking about the future. Her therapist was firm that she absolutely not even think about marriage until she even started talking about a future for herself. (B'H she got the help she badly needed. She is married and it is all in the past) I share about my daughter with you OP, and I hope that it is helpful to you.
Your daughter probably does not want to be doing nothing with her life, but something is obviously holding her back. If watching everyone find jobs, work, spend time together, getting married, is not motivating her, that is sign enough for me that something is not right.
If you do not know of therapists, Relief would be a good first step.
I hope that your daughter gets the help she desperately needs, and you see much nachas and bracha from her very soon.

amother

Coral

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:38 am

In my city (in the US) we have a shelter system where anyone needing a warm safe bed can come to sleep overnight. Many people, even families, sleep in shelters while they wait on a long list for cheap subsidized housing.

The shelters close shortly after breakfast, and open again after dinnertime. People are expected to get out and work, or go school, the library, or a park.

Because of our excellent shelter system I've met a number of homeless people who are involved in continuing eduction, exercising at the Y, volunteering, and their religious or civic community. They are active because the shelters require them to get out. They are participating in life. By the time they get to the top of the housing list they have had a lot of practice making decisions, and have learned many skills. They are wonderful neighbors.

You are not doing your daughter any favors by letting her hang around all day. Establish rules, and require her to get out of the house every day. Tell her you will be charging her rent in one month, at least $150/month, and if she won't pay, she's out. Follow through.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:49 am

amother wrote:

I think you need to be tough and force her to get help. This will only go downhill. I have a brother in his early 40s living by my parents had not worked in maybe 15 years. You don't want to end up like that. When my parents go away he falls apart. Please do every thing you can to get her help.

Could it be that your parents were tough with him when he was 20 and it backfired?

amother

Maroon

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 7:55 am

amother wrote:

You are not doing your daughter any favors by letting her hang around all day. Establish rules, and require her to get out of the house every day. Tell her you will be charging her rent in one month, at least $150/month, and if she won't pay, she's out. Follow through.

I would say chanoch l'naar al pi darcho still applies. You have to know your child. This approach is not for everyone. OP- you know your dd best.

amother

Plum

Sun, Dec 31 2017, 8:02 am

OP, I want to add that If your daughter is suffering from a mental disorder then pressuring in any way shape or form will not work. Or help anything. If anything it will steep her deeper because she will only feel more helpless. Mental disorders need to be addressed, not snapped out of.
I suppose if you are not sure if it is just simply laziness, than go ahead and try out the ideas advised here and see if it gives her a boost of motivation. Perhaps they are correct in thinking that she is unmotivated to work and make changes if she is 'living the life' rent free, just enjoying having no responsibilities.