Just a vent, I think

amother

Cyan

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 8:54 am

I think this will be just a vent, because I don’t think anyone will have advice for me, because the situation is to complicated...
Basically, DH makes quite a lot of money. Enough that we can buy whatever we need, plus luxuries plus save. But somehow, we end up spending crazy amounts a month. And dh is always complaining to me about how much we spend. The frustrating part is that he really doesn’t let me be involved in the finances so he keeps telling me to stop spending money, but even if I curb my spending, I don’t see the fruits of my labor because I am locked out of the finances. When I complain to him, he tells me to look over the bank statements. His words, “who’s stopping you?” But the thing is, even if I look over the statement, I don’t even know what half of the payments are for.
Another example of what really bothers me, is I can go take cash out of our checking and see there is $9000 dollars there. So I’ll take out $500 because I see there is plenty there. But later on, dh will yell at me. “I have 3 huge checks clearing tomorrow! Why did you take out cash?”
But how am I supposed to know!!!?!!
He never communicates with me!
Bh, we have a very good marriage, but this issue is a matter of tension and does effect our shalom Bayis.
My child’s tutor just sent him a $600 bill, so he just texted me a copy of the bill with the message “the $1000 a day spending starts now”

Like, hello!!????
What do you want me to do about it?!??

Should I cancel the tutor? He needs it!!

Just a vent, I guess. I dont see how anyone can help me.

southernbubby

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:00 am

One of the biggest mistakes that a couple can make is letting one person handle all the finances and letting the other simply spend. Unless it is a joint venture, it is likely to end up in the type of frustration that you are venting about.

Both husband and wife need to be able to sit down and plan finances. If you know that Purim is in 3 months, figure out what you are going to spend on that now.

Your kids have orthodontia and Bar Mitzvah lessons, both parents need to be on board with what it is costing.

You have 4 months until Pesach and 6 months until sleep away camp. Don't let these realities take you by surprise. Plan them together!

amother

Cyan

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:05 am

southernbubby wrote:

I totally agree with you! But how to get him to agree?

L25

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:23 am

the fact that he told you to look over the accounts sounds like he isn't trying to lock you out. Couple that with the fact that you have a good marriage otherwise it sounds like it should really be workable.

My dh earns the money while I'm a SAHM.

He's the one who can keep all our finances in his head not me. Yes I have access to the account info but I found it confusing. He agreed to go over our bank account and just show me how it "works". He said this is money going out for my student loans, this is for our mortgage... this money coming in is from my paycheck, ... so I felt like I had some handle on it.

you say you don't know what the payments are for. Is the bank account used for family and business stuff? There shouldn't be so many household checks that you don't know what they are for...

Can you agree that if you write big checks you will give each other a heads up? I don't write large check without checking with my dh first ( I won't check before I write a check to the mikvah or something) for that reason. I don't take out cash so it's not relevant. My dh is not controlling at all with money. I'm not scared of him or anything, I just don't want to bounce a check or something.

Do you think using a credit card might work better so that it's more contained and it needs to be paid at a predictable time so it's easier to make sure you have another money in the bank?

amother

Cyan

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:44 am

L25 wrote:

I already use a credit card for most things. But I can’t pay the tutor or the cleaning lady with a credit card. I need to get cash for myself, because if I ask him he’ll give me max $200 which runs out in 2 days. I NEVER write out big checks without his approval. He on the other hand once bought a house without telling me. True story!!! (The House was only $30,000 but still...)

dancingqueen

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 9:53 am

amother wrote:

It sounds like maybe you are spending more than you can afford. Are the bank statements printed out or online? They are not hard to understand they say how much money is going in and out and where it’s going. If you don’t understand it ask him to sit down with you and go over it.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 10:00 am

amother wrote:

So your problem is that you don’t agree on lifestyle (you mentioned earlier). And he makes all the money.

“Basically, DH makes quite a lot of money. Enough that we can buy whatever we need, plus luxuries plus save. But somehow, we end up spending crazy amounts a month. ”

Who is ‘we’ you or him, and why is it a problem ?

amother

Linen

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 10:29 am

amother wrote:

You have to explain that if you don't know about a check he's written (which you can't see on your statement before it's been cashed) then you don't know how much you have.

Also, how much cash are you spending? Presumably the tutor and cleaning lady are regular monthly expenses. Take out that much at the beginning of each month. Now, how much cash do you need beyond that? In a world of credit cards, you certainly don't need $100 dollars a day. Where is that going?

You don't need to go to a coffee shop with notebooks. You need to check your bank balance on line every few days. And you need to get a therapist to talk to him about his secretive attitude to money.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 10:29 am

amother wrote:

I don’t remember mentioning we don’t agree on lifestyle. Where did I say that?

We, is both of us.

Some of our biggest expenses:
Health insurance- $1800
Car insurance- $900
Car payments-$500
Tuition- $2500
Debt-$2000
Rent-$2700

We don’t even own a house yet, because we need a down payment of at least $300,000 and we only managed to save up about $100,000. That has a lot to do with a huge expense that we had over the past few years that cost us close to $200,000 which really set us back in saving for a house.

These are some of our set expenses. We also pay about $1500 a month in tutors and therapists for us and our kids.

Then there’s:
Food
Clothing
Extra curricular
Yom tov
Gifts
Toys
Manicures
Cleaning lady
Household items
The occasional vacation/weekend getaway
Tips for rebbes and Morahs

And the list goes on...

crust

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 10:34 am

amother wrote:

This situation is not hopeless but it won't be remedied in one day.
You will have to take it step by step.

The first step is to stop living in the dark, face your spending habits and know to whom those charges on the statement belong to!!

If your statement continues to confuse you, he will continue screaming check the statement but you will continue being clueless.
Start by buying a little notebook and a pen.
For the next month jot down each and every purchase that YOU make. Credit card and cash.

When the bank statement comes, sit down and compare it with your log.

Now you will know which amount belongs to whom on the starement.

Add your total cash purchases to the total CC purchases.
Before doing this you might think you don't do much spending. Once you finish doing this you will have accomplished;

1. Bank starement clarity for yourself
2. How much your total spending was
3. What you spend on
Knowledge is power.
With this knowledge you go back to tje therapist. Verify your spending habits are okay.
Then you will need to remedy the situation with your husband.

(This is preliminary to budgeting. You cant make a budget or stay within one, if you never tracked your habits and your sums or a bank statement is foreign to you.

In order to create a clear budget plan you ought to do this for 12 months continuously so you know how much you need yearly. But a yearly budget seems very far away from where you are now. )

amother

Cyan

Mon, Dec 11 2017, 10:47 am

amother wrote:

Do you know how much u make together? Your posts are very strange. Stating you make a ton that you can pay for things and luxuries and save but only managed to save 100,000 towards a house all this time? And exactly why do you need 300k for a house? Where do u live? U can buy a house with less depending on lots of factors.
Sounds to me you guys really need budgeting and financial help. You sound like although you make money you have no clue how to budget so you will always be spending more and never be able to save and be financially healthy.

I know it doesn’t make much sense. That’s part of why it’s so frustrating. I don’t work. He makes about $20,000-$30,000 a month. This is only recently. He used to make much less, and it was much harder to save. We had very specific huge bills over the past few years, that cost us $150,000. Otherwise we would have saved close to $300,000 by now. We live in Brooklyn. To buy decent house, is at least 1.2 million and you need a very large down payment for that.

We still are paying down college debt and over debt from the years that we were struggling.

It’s verh frustrating and hopeless feeling. That’s why I’m venting.