Did you grow up in a divorced home? Advice needed

amother

Mint

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 11:40 am

I am a single mother and I try to be there for my kids as much as possible and be sensitive to them. However, I don't know what it is like to grow up with divorced parents. If you are a child from divorced parents, I want to know what it is like to better relate to my kids.

How did you feel at school? What about when you learned about yomim tovim and the father's role? Was it awkward inviting new friends for shabbos who didn't know your situation? Family history school projects? Insensitive comments?

Did you miss your father (assuming you lived with your mother for most of the time)? How did you feel spending weekends with him? Did you resent your parents or feel angry at them for not being together or making it work?

I would really appreciate any information you can tell me about what it's like. It will help me a better mother to my kids if I can understand what they're going through. Also please note if there are certain ages/stages that were harder (Elementary, middle, or high school - particular challenges as you aged).

Thank you so much for helping me understand my kids

amother

Khaki

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 11:59 am

I did. My mother had no idea how much we knew. The worst part was that she’d talk about him when we could hear her. I know that she also said to him “the kids are fully aware that you do xyz and they are upset too” regarding any thing she didnt like or what they fought about. She’d tell him that we figured stuff out on her own. No mom. We would never have known about these issues had you kept quiet for real. It was not our business. And now in a fb group I’m in, I see moms making this same statement. “The kids fully know that he does xyz” or “they figured it out on their own”.

I’m married to a divorced man who does his best to take the blame for his ex’s shortcomings. She had a baby with her new husband and wouldnt let her son come for shabbos and the bris. We made him think he had to stay with us. Why tell him the truth? We are the grown ups here.

I wish my mom knew that she made it all so much worse for us.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 12:08 pm

amother wrote:

How did you feel at school? What about when you learned about yomim tovim and the father's role? Was it awkward inviting new friends for shabbos who didn't know your situation? Family history school projects? Insensitive comments?

Did you miss your father (assuming you lived with your mother for most of the time)? How did you feel spending weekends with him? Did you resent your parents or feel angry at them for not being together or making it work?

I would really appreciate any information you can tell me about what it's like. It will help me a better mother to my kids if I can understand what they're going through. Also please note if there are certain ages/stages that were harder (Elementary, middle, or high school - particular challenges as you aged).

My parents divorced when I was 7. My father lived about 3 blocks away and I stayed with him on Shabbos. Yontif was split. I was raised in a pretty liberal stream of Orthodoxy, so I never got the message that there's something wrong with Mom making Kiddush. Also, she got invited out a lot, especially for yontif meals, so when I was with her, we were usually eating at someone else's home anyway.

I almost always went to friends, they very rarely came to me. While of course it's a good thing that I wasn't shunned or anything, I did notice that people hardly ever came over, and I knew why (even though no one ever said it) and it did hurt, but again, I had a full social life, so I didn't dwell on it too much. And anyway, that was only in elementary school, by middle school, parents are not so involved in making plans so it was less of an issue.

My father works at a very demanding job, so even before the divorce I almost never saw him during the week. Him not living at home didn't make much of a difference in how much I saw him. I was quite devastated when they first announced that dad would be moving out, but within a few weeks, it became clear that it didn't change much practically plus I didn't have to hear my parents fighting and name calling anymore, so that was nice. It just became the reality of my life, and it really wasn't a bad thing at all. I was the first, but within a few years, three other kids had divorced parents, and they all came to me for advice because I was the "expert".

Family history projects- I really don't see how they're any different if both parents are in the picture. I could get info from both sides as needed. It did make my family tree a bit more interesting after my mother remarried and had more kids, but that's all. I don't remember any insensitive remarks, but I did mention above that parents seemed to prefer having me over rather than sending their kids over. Also, I did get the pity vibe a bit. Like, teachers would bend over backwards to be sensitive to me because I "had it tough" and though I got perfect grades and rarely acted out, on the occasions that I did misbehave, it was immediately like oh, it must be the difficult home situation rather than, nobody's perfect and kids sometimes misbehave. While I do appreciate that so many adults cared about my well-being, it was also condescending to assume the divorce always had something to do with whatever. I had a calm, normal, peaceful life with both parents post divorce. I was a normal kid who sometimes pulled normal kid schtick. As they say, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

I never resented my parents for not making it work. If anything, I was grateful that they realized when it wasn't working and did what they had to do. I'm also grateful that the divorce was amicable. I did sometimes wonder why they couldn't manage to live together when they were clearly capable of getting along and even being friends, but since I didn't feel any worse off from the divorce, it didn't bother much.

Honestly, I found a lot more difficulty with their remarriages. They both married good people who have always been good to me, and I'm certainly glad that they both were able to have more children, but was still very difficult to adjust to that. If you remarry, definitely come back here and do what you're doing now to understand them better Smile

rivkam

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 12:09 pm

My parents got divorced when I was in elementary school and I basically took it in my stride. There was only one other girl I think in my class who had divorced parents but it never bothered me to be different and to be very open about it. If you have a kid who is shy or who really wants to fit in, it might be a different story.

I don't remember yomin tovim being weird to learn about since I wouldn't be spending it with both parents. For example, in halacha class, I would ask the Rav about how to do things if there isn't a man for example havdalah if he only talked about fathers doing a certain mitzvah.

In terms of comments, I had some comments from people who felt really bad for me and I would get really confused by it because I didn't feel like anything was wrong. I was happy and had two parents who cared for me, who cares if they are no longer married?!

The one amazing thing my parents did was to never speak badly of each other. That's definitely my top tip for divorced parents. And try and keep the fighting to a minimum.

Also don't see it as a negative for your kids. Yes, there are bad things about having divorced parents but there's also good things. I loved having two houses and getting more presents for birthdays. Me and my siblings are very independent and part of that is because we had to be so we learnt to get on with it.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 12:53 pm

amother wrote:

How about visitation? Did you like it? Or was it hard for you? I have a 5 yr old and im very confused about it. I have ppl involved telling me its best for him to spend as much time as possible with his dad and others telling me to disturb his routine the least possible. He himself gives me a hard time going. Cries says hes not going etc However when his dad comes he goes ok and comes home happy. Id love to understand him better and know what the right way to go about this is.

It's definitely important to spend as much time as possible with dad. What is the schedule? If you're switching off a lot, that's definitely disruptive. Better to work out consecutive days. Weekends with my dad meant I went straight from school to his home on Friday. He sent me off to school on Monday and I would go home to my mom's after school. It wasn't too disruptive because there was only one coming and going.

thunderstorm

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 9:11 pm

My parents divorced when I was 11. I only told my best friend that my parents divorced and I made her promise she'd never tell anyone else.
I was very afraid to become a "nebach" and just wanted to be treated like anybody else. I went away to friends for Shabbos and sleepovers often but didn't have girls sleep over by us aside for my best friend.
Nothing is weird about a mother making kiddush.
I did not enjoy going to my father . He was very intimidating and unloving and it just made us feel like we had to walk on eggshells while we were there.
My parents heavily relied on me to "mother" my younger siblings which didn't feel burdensome to me until highschool. Then I began resenting having to go home right away to "run the house" instead of staying late and working on activities with my friends.
I was a good kid and never complained or rebelled, and because of that my parents didn't pay much attention to my needs. They focused on the trouble makers in the family instead. This affected me greatly and have a hard time forgiving my mother for not taking care of me. One example: All of my four siblings went to therapy weekly. I never went to a therapist, since I was "fine".
My mother didn't listen to how my day went because my sister "needed my mother more" etc., etc.
My mother was always pushing us out the door when we had visitation with my father , because she was afraid if we don't go or get there on time , my father wouldn't pay child support ( some crazy idea she had in her head)
And my father was pushing us out the door the minute Shabbos was over , because he just wanted us to get home since he was overwhelmed.
When we arrived home so fast my mother showed disappointment that we were back to early and she didn't get to finish her "break" from us. We were constantly shown that we were a burden and we never felt wanted even though it took bais din and a year to figure out all the custody. If I sound bitter, I am bitter. I wish my parents weren't so self centered after the divorce and that they gave us more love and affection.
Children need their parents more than ever but they were so busy with self healing we just were in the way.
Please TALK to your kids and LISTEN. I never had either one so neither one of my parents knew how much I was suffering. Only at age 17 did I write a letter to my mother while I was at sleepaway camp how I was her daughter for 17 yrs and never felt like she was my mother or that she loved me. Her reaction to me was crying and feeling sorry for HERSELF that being a single mom was so hard. That is NOT what I wanted to hear.

amother

Chartreuse

Fri, Dec 15 2017, 10:50 am

My parents also divorced when I was very young, but we weren't frum so I can't answer the questions that relate to frum issues.
I resented it, and I resented and felt very uncomfortable when they started dating and having those partners around. I lived with my mother so it was more of an issue there.

I saw my father a couple times a year, and my step mom was always very jealous, which was a huge drain. She was sweet and nice to me, but she was jealous of time and relationship spent with my father.

I disliked the guys my mother brought around, but looking back maybe that was selfish of me. But I just didn't want another guy around.
And as others have said, it was always very sad and uncomfortable to hear either parent talking bad about the other one to me. I guess they needed to vent, or wanted to get validation for their actions, but to hear all the details as a child is not good.

rivkam

Sun, Dec 17 2017, 2:55 am

amother wrote:

Sometimes me and my siblings would kick up a fuss about having to go to our father's. Normally they were pretty flexible and if we didn't want to go then we didn't have to.

Your son may be acting up the way kids do when they have to go to a babysitter or start going to school. On the one hand, they need to get used to going to their father's and on the other hand, you need to be understanding to their needs and wants. Maybe the schedule is too much for him?

amother

Aqua

Sun, Dec 17 2017, 4:26 am

Op, I'm so happy for your kids that you are in tune to their needs and are seeking advice from those who've been through it.
Disclaimer : my parents didn't divorce, but my father passed away and my mother remarried, so there are several similarities.
First of all, which I'm sure you hear all the time, PLEASE do not involve your children in any conflicts / issues that arise. To them, he will always be a father, it hurts a child to hear anything negative being said about their immediate family (even as an adult child )
Never use the kids to "teach him ", by denying visitation etc . The only one to suffer the consequences is the child.
Bizzydizzymommy, this is in reaction to your heartbreaking post, the most painful part for me is where you finally bared your soul to your mom, and instead of validation, she made it about HERSELF 😯.
Op, or any parent in any challenging situation, please have a support system that does not include your kids! They have plenty to deal with, and need a mom who is strong enough to listen to their issues and get validation from you!
I'll never forget my brother crying to my mom right after our dad passed away that he's a yossom now, who will take him to shul etc.
Her reaction " I can't hear any crying, if you have anything happy to share with me, you're more than welcome to "
Okay, I got a little carried away here. . . . .
Op, you don't sound like this type of parent at all, I wish you loads of naches, happiness and siyata dishmaya!

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Dec 17 2017, 2:38 pm

My parents divorced when I was a preteen.
Circumstances are unique yet I believe that the rules apply across the board.
I think the best thing that you can do for your child is put them first in every situation. Forget what "the norm" is. This is the new normal. Accept your situation and be at peace with it.
Create a happy safe environment.
Don't let divorce dictate your life.
Make your home a child friendly exciting environment. Invite your kids friends over for sleepovers. Go out to eat shabbos. Have your own guests over for shabbos. Host, entertain. Giving vs being on the receiving end constantly feels great and empowering.
I found it extruciatinly lonely on shabbos and yomim tovim. Those are very family centric times, and it was went I felt our loss of family acutely.
I hated shabbos. I hated yom tov. The loneliness I felt I can't even describe. It was pure pain. Enhance it for them.
My dad was super uninvolved. It's very important for kids to have a male figure in their life. Perhaps a grandfather or a close uncle.
Never make your kids aware if they're dad rejects them. Be the bigger person. Buy a gift during the holidays and give to them from their father.
Your kids have a great shot at growing into healthy adults. The fact that you are reaching out for advice-I applaud you. I turned out to be a super healthy adult and feel way more fortunate than my peers who grew up in so called regular households. Being that our situation was unconventional I was fortunate to get the right exposure to what is healthy and what is not.
People who meet me would never dream that I come from such acute dysfunction. And I thank god for giving me a mom who although not healthy herself always wants the best for her kids. And even if she didn't have the means to provide the right guidance she reached out to the people who did have the tools