4.5 year old taking candy from store without permission

amother

Jade

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 6:28 pm

Whenever we go shopping, my 4.5 year old hides candy in his pocket to take home. I'm not sure why - I don't think he is deprived - he does gets nosh at home.

When this first started, I told him he could choose one nosh to take home after we shop in the hopes that he would then stop sneaking some. It hasn't helped. Then I tried explaining to him that we don't take things that are not ours, but nothing changed. Lately, after every store we go to on our way out, I go through all his pockets. I feel really really terrible doing that - it feels like I'm telling him I dont trust him (which I dont in this area) and it feels like I'm a police man but to many times hes come home with stuff that we had not paid for, and just asking if he took anything doesn't help because he will tell me he didn't even if he did.

Today two things happened that made me realize I really need to figure out a solution- we were leaving a drugstore and I found not kosher candy in his pocket - what would have happened if I missed it or didn't think to look for it as this wasn't really a food store? Then in the food store, on our way out, even though nothing was in his pockets, I realized he was chewing on some nosh, and I had to go back on line and wait to pay again. I could have easily missed that he was eating something and have left without paying.

I could just not take him shopping - but that very hard as I work during the day so can only go shopping when he is home with me. watching him every second is not practical either - today he took the not kosher candy when I had my eyes off of him for just a few secounds to read my receipt.

I've been thinking of only taking him shopping if he is strapped into the stroller. That means I need to take a double stroller which is less convenient, but I could if I need to. I do feel bad about that because hes a drop old for that and he also loves going around the store and helping me shop, getting things on my list and ect....

Or maybe I should give him some sort of consequence - what type I'm not sure...

Any advice on how to handle this???

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 6:50 pm

Kids his age like testing their limits. I think you have made a strong start by making your expectations clear and following up by checking.

Rewards and consequences are very effective at this age, IME. The consequence should not be Mommy getting angry, because young children don't really connect other people's feelings with their own actions. To connect it to shopping, it could be something like not playing the usual music in the car on the way home.

Keep a sticker chart of every time he completes a shopping trip successfully, and give a small reward after a month. It seems strange to reward a child for not-stealing, but you could think of it as rewarding him for resisting his yetzer hara. The reward could be as simple as the satisfaction of getting stickers on his chart, or maybe something more tangible such as a sheet of additional stickers to play with. Consistent, even-tempered reinforcement of desired behavior is key.

I admit I have never had this exact situation, but my family has used sticker charts for just about everything else, and it worked every time. I hope this helps!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 6:58 pm

Before you leave the store, check his pockets. Take him to a teller or customer service desk. Have him hand over the candy, and tell him to say "I'm sorry I took the candy without paying for it." He doesn't have to specifically say he "stole" it, but he should say exactly what he did, and admit that it was wrong.

Keep doing this until you're sure the habit is broken. It's embarassing and it takes a little extra time and effort, but it's worth it.

When DD was about 5 or 6, she and her friend started stealing little things from the houses of people who would let them come over to play. When I found out, I made the girls go from door to door, return every single item, and apologise sincerely. I stood on the sidewalk and made sure they did it properly.

The neighbors were disappointed in the girls, but handled it graciously. They saw that I was taking responsibility for their behavior, and following through. The girls felt so bad to see these nice people look sadly at them, they never stole again. They did have to rebuild trust before they were allowed to come back in and play like they used to. Overall it was a priceless learning experience for everybody.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 8:31 pm

I did exactly what frantic did. Also same age. And it worked wonders for my son. Please make sure you are very clear with your child that he's not allowed to put anything in his pocket without asking you.

If after that you warned him and he's still doing it give him a reminder before you walk into store and tell him beforehand of a consenquence. Please no yelling at him. It doesn't help to. Good luck

thunderstorm

Thu, Dec 14 2017, 8:39 pm

OP I've had this with more than one of my kids. But best of all, I myself did this and remember how I stopped. I was about 4.5 and stole this long stick of purple gum that looked so appealing and my mother was an anti gum mother. I had taken my first bite of this huge stick in an aisle nobody was standing in and stuffed my pocket with the rest of the partly chewed stick. Of course my mother discovered it when we got home. She walked me back to the store. I was brought to the store owner and had to tell him what I did. My mother gave me a quarter to pay for the gum but I was not allowed to keep the rest of the stick. The frum grocer gave me a scolding but in a caring way. I remember being very ashamed and apologizing . I never did that again!!! And the craziest part of this story is that it happened over 30 years ago and I remember ALL the details!!!