How do you react when...

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 12:15 pm

Your child hits or hurts someone in the family ( yourself, your DH, siblings)?

( specifically my child is 5.5 , very bright and mature and this has been happening a LOT lately. Because of his incredible imagination he can at times “live” inside of a story and then he will physically push me or hurt his sisters - right now he’s the “ yevanim “ killing the Jews for example so to him it makes sense ... but I cannot allow that. Or he would just be upset because we go out and he wanted to stay home and then he will start pushing me and screaming ..) but I do also just wonder how generally mothers treat such behavior .

Thank you!

simba

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 12:55 pm

I hold his offending hand and tell him very clearly. Mommy does not let you hit. I usually hold it for a long excruciating minute until he tells me " mommy, I won't hit"
Lasts for about 30 seconds! Will be following this thread for better methods.

amother

Olive

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 12:59 pm

5.5 is too old in my books. I tell her clearly that it’s unacceptable, she must give whoever she hurt a Kiss and say I’m sorry, and next time she does that she can choose to go to the corner, basement, or her room for a time-out for a few minutes. When she does it next, I don’t even say anything I just take her hand and bring her to her place of choice, or the most convenient one for me if she won’t choose. Turn on the timer for 5 minutes.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 1:09 pm

My kid I'd that.
I learnt to recognize the triggers and be on high alert. If she raised her hand or came towards me (mostly) or anyone else, I'd quickly hold her hands untill she calmed down and it passes. Usually less than 30 seconds. Sometimes up to 2 minutes.

I find the less I do verbally and theore ibact. The better and faster she learns.
Other still happens every other day. If she hits or scratches me of give her a little potch on the hand.
A mother is on a different level as a young child. And hurting a mother is NEVER acceptable.
I also constantly praise when I see her using her words to rather than her hands. The more I precise the more self control she has.
"Look how nicely you told your sister that you don't like it when she touches your dress. Your really growing up so nicely"
"I saw how hard you controlled yourself. I'm proud of you"

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 3:03 pm

Wow it’s nice to read your comments if only to see im not the only one dealing with this ...
I do a mixture of all the above .
I hold his hands if he’s in the middle of hitting , until he relaxes. But usually he gets more wild because he’s trying to get free.
After the fact of course I make him say sorry .
If this behavior continues I put the room , that helps for a little while .

I wonder what I’m doing wrong .
I feel like he should have known by now that hitting isn’t an option. Especially to parents!

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 3:08 pm

amother wrote:

I definitely praise when he’s good . All the time . That’s really important .
When you say hurting parents is never acceptable - what would you do if your kid did? How do you make sure your kid knows it’s never acceptable? I always tell him that but obviously it’s not going through.

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 3:45 pm

amother wrote:

[b]
You sound like a very connected and conscientious mommy.
I just want to point out that in my opinion when you hit a child your only teaching them to hit. It might help in the moment, but not in the long run.
If hitting is unacceptable it has to be unacceptable at all times.

Teomima

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 3:59 pm

Hitting is a hard limit in my house. I will raise my voice, something I rarely do, to get the message across. I get down on eye level with my child, say (loudly, but not out of anger), "No! We do NOT hit our sister/mother/whatever!" If it's a first offense for the day, I tell my child to give whoever they hit a hug or kiss and to apologize, but that if it happens again they will go to time out for five minutes (for a five year old). Second offense of the day (or third or more), it's strait to time out. As many times as needed to give the child a chance to cool off and to get the message that hitting is never acceptable (and will always interrupt their play so best to avoid it). After time out I always sit with my child and encourage them to explain to me why they were in time out, and what they could have done to avoid it, and it ALWAYS ends with a hug and kiss and a sincere "I love you" from me.

amother

Red

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 8:55 pm

On top of all the suggestions I think it's important to try to instil empathy in the child's mind. I try to get him to take perspective of what if feels like on the receiving end. Not in a guilt inducing way but gently, genuinely. Show sadness that someone got hurt. Ask the child who hits to come up with solutions to make the victim feel better. Show him how the victims mood changes and say how now the hitter will feel much better knowing that his siblings are happy with him. They will want to continue playing instead of crying, running away, and telling on him, or stopping to play.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Dec 20 2017, 12:47 am

Teomima wrote:

You sound like a perfect mother . I will try this tomorrow ...

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Dec 20 2017, 12:48 am

amother wrote:

That’s really beautiful and can probable work out with my kid as he’s mature enough to understand the other side...
I’ll try this . Thanks !

amother

Babypink

Wed, Dec 20 2017, 2:12 am

amother wrote:

I feel like he should have known by now that hitting isn’t an option. Especially to parents!

I can't add much methods, but that's not necessarily true.
Some kids, especially boys just have more energy to let out. Does he have trouble expressing his emotions?

My friend has a 7 yr old boy who is still hitting, he gets really overwhelmed quickly, and his system can't deal with it and so he hits tonssss, She has a bunch of girls younger than him, so it's been really bad lately. She's trying to learn methods to calm him down, put him in a quiet room, hug him realllly tight, etc.

Not sure if any of this is applicable for your child, but try to see where this stems from.

This kid is so crazy sometimes they will just lock him in a room alone. I do not endorse this, but when you have 5 younger girls who are all crying and need to get into pajamas and bed....that ends up happening once in a while. Anyway, they don't really do it often, especially because it's a bad method, and when locked in a room he will DESTROY it.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Dec 20 2017, 1:48 pm

amother wrote:

So this is extreme but still helps .. thanks for posting !