Impulsive behavior and being mechalel Shabbos

momtra

Sat, Dec 23 2017, 7:56 pm

My 10 year old has some emotional challenges. She takes Zoloft and Vyvanse for ADHD and is also in therapy.
She is impulsive in all areas of her life, often not sticking to the norms in our family and in the greater setting of life. This past Shabbos, she was on her tablet. I refrained from reacting strongly, but am devastated that it happened.
My question is, how do I address the mechallel Shabbos issue. I am so scared of setting her up for a path that would lead to be OTD, since she already has so many risk factors. On the other hand, how can I not mention it?

Any advice?

amother

Aubergine

Sat, Dec 23 2017, 8:08 pm

I had a similar scenario with my 9 year old- he's not medicated for ADHD but def has some symptoms- I asked him- he said I cont control myself
I started therapy with him with a great therapist - her goal is to teach him that even though it's harder for him bec he's impulsive he does have some control - I have seen improvements and also just an improvement in his recognition of what he is capable of
Sending hugs - it's so hard

amother

Puce

Sat, Dec 23 2017, 8:25 pm

I would treat it like any other behavior. What do you think was motivating the behavior? Was she doing it for attention? If so, find ways to give her attention in more positive ways. Was she doing it to test you? If so, being non reactive was the best thing you could do. Was she doing it out of boredom? Perhaps you could plan ahead a few days before Shabbos with her to ensure she has activities to keep her busy. Or there could be any number of motivations behind the behavior. What do you think caused it? Let us know,and then we can help brainstorm.

imasinger

Sat, Dec 23 2017, 8:46 pm

Here are 3 R's to consider.

1. Reassess the reserves. Make sure that the child is not bored on Shabbos. Are there enough interesting activities? People to do them with? Consider making a list of choices, and putting it up, so the child can see good alternatives. Consider reserving certain things and only letting them be available on Shabbos, so they are special. Consider making a schedule together before Shabbos, so there are less likely to be times of temptation to use screens.

2. Remove temptation. Turn off the internet before lighting until after havdala, if you use internet. Have the child give you the device before candlelighting, and keep them in a place that is hard to find or get to.

3. Review the reasoning. At a separate time, in a way that makes it clear you are not trying to guilt the child, talk about why Shabbos is special to you. Maybe learn the 39 melachos together. Ask the child what they would do if they saw someone turning on and off the lights, or whatever else they have absorbed easily. Without mentioning the specific issue, you can talk about which things are easier and harder, and about times when we gain a lot from doing the harder thing that is right.

A mechaneches I respect says it is often helpful to praise a child for a quality they are struggling with. So any time you catch the child who sometimes tells falsehoods being truthful, touch praise them and say how honest they are. Or, in this case, any time they do something in the spirit of Shabbos, you tell them how special they are in being so good at being shomer Shabbos.

I don't know if it works for everyone, but it's an interesting idea, worth a try.

Hatzlacha!