How to tell my other kids

amother

Brown

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 12:08 pm

It looks like we will be transferring my 3 yr old daughter out of Jewish school to public school for special ed. How do I tell my other children about this when I myself am very conflicted and pained? A/one with experience or advice? Thx.

No comments please about keeping her where she is, that would be like putting our heads in the sand and ignoring it all. also, I can't get private therapy as the costs would be overwhelming. TIA

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 12:14 pm

Simple conversation. “Sara needs some extra help in school which her current school is not equipped to give her. So we are switching her to a school that will be better for her and help her learn better.”

That’s it. Why does it have to be more complicated then that?

Blessing1

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 12:24 pm

As mommy3b2c said, keep it simple & uncomplicated. Will there be any other Jewish kids in her class? If yes, you can tell the kids that she'll have Jewish classmates.
In my area it's pretty common for kids that need special ed to go to public school, many classes even have Jewish teachers.
Good luck, hope the transition goes easy! I applaud you for doing what is right for your child.

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 12:26 pm

amother wrote:

You are so so brave for doing what's right for your child! May Hashem give you S'yata D'shmaya so that your children can have your strength too. That is exactly what a great mother looks like. She knows it's hard to do, but does it because it's the right thing for the child she loves. Moshe grew up in Pharaoh's house. Your child will be fine IYH.

With regard to speaking to your kids, previous posters were exactly right. Also tell your children how to deal with nosy neighbors who can potentially hurt your kids' feelings by being ignorant. And to come to you if they have any more questions in the future.

amother

Brown

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 12:36 pm

Thx so much everyone for being kind. I've gotten pity from family and that is SO hard to take. this is so tough.... I'm so glad I shared here.

ouch. I didn't even think about the neighbors. What should I tell my kids to answer? Oh help. We will totally get stupid remarks from them...

cozyblanket

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 1:21 pm

amother wrote:

To respond to stupid remarks from neighbors:

"This is the best thing for her."

Then change the subject if your neighbor doesn't seem to be like-minded and you or your children don't want to hear any more silly comments from them. Maybe add "we are following das Torah." I would hope they don't give you a hard time about THAT.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 2:04 pm

As previous posters wrote, the bigger deal younmake, the bigger deal it becomes.

Just calmly tell everyone that this is what she needs now. No excuses or explanations. It makes you look bad.

You are amazing if you truly believe that this is the best for your child.

animeme

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 2:56 pm

Yep. "Malky needs a different school" can be understood and said by kids of all ages. Which will also work if any child goes to a different school from their siblings or neighbors for any reason. It teaches the kids that each person goes to the school that's right for them.

Queen6

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 9:13 pm

This child and this situation is a gift. Now you can realize not everything has to be the way all the neighbors and family members think “IT HAS TO BE”. There are no rules in life. We all should do what works for us and not what works for everyone else.
You are amazing for making this brave choice. You are doing the world for your child. let this carry over into all decision making aspects of parenthood and marriage for the rest of your life.
Once you know all of this it’s so easy to follow everyone’s advice and say it like it is.

iyar

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 12:27 pm

amother wrote:

Neighbors? You were right not to think about them.

You don't owe anyone any explanations, OP. You owe your child the best possible education under the best possible circumstances, and you're taking care of that. I understand you want to say the right thing to your kids, as they'll want to know about their sibling's new school. Your neighbors are grown-ups and hopefully have their own lives and families to keep busy with.

Give yourself a pat on the back and give your neighbors a friendly smile and a wave when you see them.

SixOfWands

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 12:42 pm

amother wrote:

"My parents say they picked the best school for each of us, so I guess that's the best one for her. But my parents said that if people had any questions, they should ask my parents directly. I'll tell them you asked." Because I assure you, the LAST thing your neighbors want is you knowing that they're pumping your kids for info.

Jewishfoodie

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 12:57 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Devious and awesome! I love that!

DVOM

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 2:04 pm

amother wrote:

When I sent my son to public school my only other kid at the time was a baby and too little to ask any questions. I did get a lot of curiosity and concern from my family, and some tactless, critical comments and questions from my neighbors.

My family's opinions were painful to hear, but lovingly meant. As they saw my son blossom, the questions got fewer and eventually petered out entirely.

My neighbors... well, that was hard. People can be so casually cruel. Comments like: "I would NEVER do that to my son!" "But there aren't actual non jews in his class, are there? They separate the classes, right?"... ouch. I learned to put on a smile, let it all slide off me, and soldier on.

Know that you are doing the right thing OP. My son is now in a mainstream elementary school, happy, academically successful, popular, and emotionally healthy. Our years in public school were absolutely wonderful for my son, and helped prime him for success in yeshiva. Some of his teachers from those years are now my dear friends, and still a huge source of support for us. Do what you know is best for your kid.