Worst day ever | Imamother

thunderstorm

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 5:12 pm

OP, just reading your post made my heart twist . The raw pain just comes right through . The pain must be unbearable and faking that smile must be even worse.
I had some thoughts . Purim is this busy happy day for many, but really it's a day to daven. The gates of Heaven are open. Go to shul, take your time davening . Storm the heavens and beseech him to make this Purim a V'Nahpachu as "Jewishfoodie" mentioned.
Chodesh Adar is Mazel Adar Dagim, may the Mazal of the month be in your favor. Dagim multiply by the thousands may you be zoche to multiply.
After davening and Megillah , you can bring mishloach manos to sick children in the hospital. Or to an old age home. Maybe even dress up and bring them joy. There is no greater joy than bringing others joy. Once you feel that inner joy, and spirituality of that day, it may be slightly easier to paste that smile on and go to your MIL. Try to use the time to help and serve instead of watching everyone else. I know that nothing in the world could make your pain disappear but maybe doing some of the above could take the edge off. Good Luck and may this year really be a joyous Purim for you.

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 5:27 pm

I have an idea that can work if we all participate.
You would have to have access to a P. O. Box or if you have access to an address that's not yours. (to keep your privacy)

If you post this RL address on this thread, each of us who cares will purchase a small item that we think would make you happy and mail it to you, along with a small message.

YOU WILL NOT OPEN ANY OF THEM BEFORE PURIM.

And on Purim, after Megilla, you will sit down and open each and every one of them. It will remind you how much everyone truly feels for you and that we will all be with you in spirit on Purim.

I'm ready to do it now. If you can find any address for us to send it to, please please give us this opportunity!

amother

Blue

Thu, Jan 18 2018, 5:34 pm

amother wrote:

I hate Purim. It breaks my heart every single year. I hate the competition for creativity (I’m not super creative nor do I enjoy it) I hate that it’s just me and dh. I hate that everyone stares at my belly expecting to see something. I hate that dh let’s lose and forgets about me. I hate that we have to go to my in laws. I hate everything about it. I hate the silliness. I hate dressing up. I hate pretending to be happy when I’m not. I hate the display that everyone is supposed to be on-showing off how adorable these children/costume/showing off their creativity/how rich they all are. I dread this day every single year Sad

Hugs. This was me for 9 years. All holidays are difficult when you don't have kids, but this one I found the hardest of all.
May Hashem bless you with a healthy child very, very soon. All the other parts of Purim that bother you will fall away when you do.

amother

Pewter

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 9:54 am

It’s ok not to do Purim. It’s also not my favorite holiday and after a few years of trying, going all out , and hating it, we decided to stop. Now if Purim comes out on a weekday, dh goes to work. I go to a Megillah reading, prepare a few shalach manos in case anyone stops by and use my day off to take care of errands, organizing, or whatever else I need to do.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 10:56 am

I was an older single and felt similarly in many ways. One year, I just couldn't do the whole thing anymore or stick around and watch. I went with a friend to the beach and we sat together for a few hours and we each recited the whole sefer tehilim. Purim doesn't have to be the stereotypical party and fun. I hope there is a way for you to find some measure of freedom to incorporate the spirit of the day in a way that works for you at this stage of ur life.

Zehava

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 11:10 am

Op
I just want to say that for most women Purim is difficult. Yes it’s fun for the men and exciting for the kids but for women it is usually a huge headache of cooking hosting shlepping around traffic congested streets to deliver mm etc. personally I love Chanukah since it’s mostly just being home and lighting the menorah, making a nice dinner, not the rah rah of Purim.
To an introvert and an HSP like me even just the music on the street and the crush of so many people is a torture.
Trust me no one is looking at your stomach they’re all busy trying to survive the day.

amother

Papaya

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 11:15 am

The outpouring of love and support here is so sweet and heartwarming. To all those who say they feel similarly, thank you for letting me know I’m not the only faker on the streets on Purim.
As far as the address...hmmm I gotta think of how to get a PO address you’re all too sweet!

I love the idea of going to the beach or just going to visit an elderly person but dh is not going to be happy in the slightest. He loves Purim and getting drunk and acting like he’s 2....

amother

Blush

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 12:03 pm

OP I feel your pain. For a few years I was an “older single” with all my friends married. I was alone in NY for school with all my family out of state. I hated these chagim. Shabbos plans were hard. Yom tov was was worse- especially when I couldn’t go home because I had class or it didn’t make sense due to when it fell out etc. but at least for Yom tov I could find a place. But Chanukah was awful- everyone had family parties. Purim was even worse. Everyone had to go to their parents and their in laws and take their kids to their teachers... and I was alone. I had to squeeze in a 2 minute MM drop off. I was all alone. Hard enough finding a Seuda- but what was I to do the rest of the day. After one year of having school then, I came to a realization that I keep until today- I do what I must and then what I want. That year I did early megila, dropped off the 2 packages I made, and knew I could deliver before college, gave tzeddaka, and brought a sandwich. I was somewhat sad not to be a part of things but then realized that for once it wasn’t awkward for me.

Do what you want. Why do you need to go to in laws? They are adults and should be ok with you, as other adults, having alternate plans. Can you “plan” to be sick? First year avoiding it is the easiest. Or like others said- arrange to help out with an organization. And old age home?
Call Chai Lifeline near you- maybe there is a kid who is home bound or in the hospital who can use cheering up. Dress up, bring a game and a MM (if they can eat, ask mom first. If not, bring a small toy or craft kit!). They are missing out on the fun too!
Or maybe there is a baby who needs to be held in the NICU. Parents might need to get home to shower, take a nap, get clean clothes. And be with siblings on Purim. Giving parents a visit or a respite on a day when no one else will be coming is a major deal.
And IYH we should only hear good news from you and all of klal yisroel!!

DVOM

Fri, Jan 19 2018, 12:09 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so sorry OP. I can see why this would be such a difficult day. You've got some really great suggestions here for how to make the day less taxing and more meaningful for you.

The part of your posts that's jumping out at me though is you husband. Does he know how difficult purim is for you? Can you read him your OP, or write him a letter telling him how you feel?

Different people cope with pain in different ways. Your intitled to hate purim and all that it represents for you, and its ok for him to love it and love letting loose and partying with family and friends. No one is right or wrong here. I think though that if you felt that he truly understood you and the pain your in you might feel better about the hole thing.

The best plan might be splitting up, as others suggested, so that he can have the silly fun he loves, and you can have a quieter, less exhausting and 'on show' day.