Pet peeves at others' shabbat tables you try not to do

33055

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 10:13 am

amother wrote:

I'm confused why you are taking this thread personally. I can only assume that you host a lot, and are clearly well liked by your community, and seeing things here that you do listed as pet peeves is jarring you.
Two things can be true at once:
Clearly your guests have a great experience and enjoy your home (the food, the ambiance, the conversation, everything).
That being said, it's interesting to hear from those who are often guests what little touches they intend to incorporate when they start hosting based in their (over all positive!) experiences.
This doesn't mean that people have been walking away after being hosted in your home muttering ungratefully to themselves about the challah not being sliced.

I am offended for people who do their best and end up criticized. When can the hostess relax and enjoy her guests that she worked so hard to prepare and clean up for?

There's a joke about 1 Jew in a village and 2 shuls. The punch line is that there has to be 1 shul that he wouldn't step foot in.

Be grateful for what people do who open up their homes. We put so many expectations on women, why pile on more?

amother

Tan

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 10:20 am

Squishy wrote:

Thanks for responding. I hear that but I guess I just took this thread differently. I'll explain. My family never ever had guests. After an ugly family rift, my parents withdrew and I never learned how to socialize properly. When I went to seminary in Israel, I had to eat out every shabbos. Being shy and having no experience being social, this was hard. I was deeply and eternally grateful for every invitation, as I learned early on that staying alone in the dorm with sandwiches for shabbos was very depressing. As the year went on, I started noticing little touches that some hosts did that made me feel so so so comfortable, even with my social ineptness. At some point I started writing a "does" and "donts" list to refer back to, someday when I would host for shabbos.

OP wrote that she's a BT. She's not criticizing, but as a repeat guest she's making a list of does and fonts. This doesn't negate her gratitude.

flowerpower

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 10:26 am

Harried mama wrote:

I'm sure you're good hosts. I would continue to go back to a host I liked even if they didn't cut the rest of the challah. I would just prefer if they would. It's really only a small detail in the big scheme of things, and if your guests keep coming back, as you said, you're obviously doing something right. (Also, guests that keep coming back are more likely to be comfortable asking your DH to cut them a slice of challah.)

I can’t see my guest asking dh for another slice. We always cut up a whole extra challah to put in middle of the table for the guests to take. It’s gone in minutes.

Last edited by flowerpower on Sun, Jan 13 2019, 10:32 am; edited 1 time in total

Harried mama

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 10:49 am

flowerpower wrote:

I can’t see my guest asking dh for another slice. We always cut up a whole extra challah to put in middle of the table for the guests to take. It’s gone in minutes.

We do too and I think everyone is more comfortable that way, but we do have one frequent flyer here who will ask for anything he wants, even if it's not something on the table. He's asked for pickles when there were never any out in the first place, chrain when we hadn't put any out since there was no gefilte fish, etc. I could see him asking DH to slice him some more challah since he's clearly very comfortable here. Other guests, not so much.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 10:49 am

ectomorph wrote:

Im going to side with squishy here. There's enough pressure on women and it's hard to host. This thread snacks of ungratefulness.

It is not nice to raise standards for other people.

Critical people are critical. That applies to both OP and anyone complaining about OP.

Some hosts are rigid. This is how we do. Don't like? Don't come back.

Other hosts - want to know how to improve - or start on right foot.

Different strokes for different folks.

We aren't all the same here.

(I thought of OP over Shabbos. DH purchased and served a very tiny amount of Challah.)

33055

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 10:55 am

ectomorph wrote:

Im going to side with squishy here. There's enough pressure on women and it's hard to host. This thread snacks of ungratefulness.

It is not nice to raise standards for other people.

"No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth."

Plato

teachkids

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 10:58 am

Im going to flip it and share some things we do differently when we have guests vs just us.
My husband pours the wine into a designated pourer after kiddish to pass before drinking.
He slices more challah. He would like to leave it in the middle of the table, but I insist it stays on a side because of space constraints.
If one water is close to empty, I put a second on the table.
I preslice gefilte fish instead of just putting it out with a knife, but I still put it in the middle and everyone serves themselves.
I, as hostess, don't take a huge amount at first so I can take seconds, forcing the food to move again and showing everyone they can take.
I check serving platters after everyone took firsts and see if anything might need refills.
I have things the other women can help me with while the men sing between courses so they don't have to just sit there silently.
I serve salad with the main course so there's a healthy option there for anyone who wants.

One thing I don't do: my husband and I use to same glasses for every meal shabbos, so while guests get clean glasses, ours aren't necessarily so.

acemom

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 10:59 am

amother wrote:

I agree.
This is how I am understanding the OP as well.
Maybe she should've titled the thread differently though.

As am aside, I actually compiled a mental list of do's and don'ts, for when I'll be hosting sleepover guests, based on my own experiences. That doesn't make me ungrateful to any of my previous hosts IMO.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:05 am

Squishy wrote:

"No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth."

Plato

It is true that some people like to have lots of Challah cut on the table.

It is also true that some hosts don't do that.

This is not right or wrong thing.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:07 am

I'm pretty sure all the drama could have been avoided with a post saying, after years of being a guest, I've come to appreciate certain things that some hosts do to make guests comfortable. These include etc etc.

There would still be a discussion about whether the list is fair, but without the sense that hosts are under attack. Ok, it's the internet. Sometimes things don't come out as well in writing as they might in conversation. I hope that OP meant to sound more positive and appreciative.

gingertop

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:09 am

acemom wrote:

I've also taken this thread as an opportunity to get the sort of feedback that my guests would never say to my face- thankfully so! I've already decided on two things that would make our shabbos table more comfortable.

FWIW, I'm almost never a guest and I host constantly and I took the OP's tips as a kind PSA. The phrasing could have been better, but I don't think the OP is ungrateful.

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:19 am

Squishy wrote:

"No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth."

Plato

איזהו חכם? הלומד מכל אדם

This is not about truth. If you want to take ideas of how to make your guests even more comfortable, then that's what this thread is about. If you're not interested, look elsewhere, but please stop being so mean to OP.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:22 am

amother wrote:

Nah. Some posters always look to be critical - no matter what.

33055

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:22 am

amother wrote:

I am posting under my screen name. You are attacking me as amother.

Read how many people say the day thing I am that the thread should have been worded better.

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:25 am

Squishy wrote:

I am posting under my screen name. You are attacking me as amother.

Read how many people say the day thing I am that the thread should have been worded better.

Using your screen name doesn't give you a pass to cause pain to others.

People have agreed it might have gone over better to some poosters if written differently, but no one has been judgy and hurtful like you have.

amother

Tan

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:26 am

Squishy wrote:

I am posting under my screen name. You are attacking me as amother.

Read how many people say the day thing I am that the thread should have been worded better.

I'm not the poster you're replying too, but I'll answer...

Yes, many people have said it could have been stated in a nicer way. But most of those people then moved on and took the thread in it's intended spirit. OP even got back on a few times and clarified that she had no intention of ingratitude.

The spin off thread was worded in a angry way, kind of getting back at this thread. It was also addressed to the guests. This thread was not addressed to the hosts, nor was it worded in an angry, "I've had enough of my thoughtless hosts!!" way.

Edited to add, I only ever post under amother. Sorry if that bothers you. I find that I get too invested if I build an online persona. I'm not attacking, though.

33055

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:31 am

amother wrote:

Interesting that you are calling me judgy and hurtful as amother. You do know that is against the rules? You are not allowed to be judgy ams hurtful as amother.

Simple1

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:31 am

ectomorph wrote:

Im going to side with squishy here. There's enough pressure on women and it's hard to host. This thread snacks of ungratefulness.

It is not nice to raise standards for other people.

You raise a good point. Look at all the threads about (super)women being run ragged.

I can't understand why Squishy is being attacked. She's entitled to an opinion just as much as the OP is entitled to hers.