Bar mitzvah and a question.

chavamom

Fri, Jun 17 2005, 1:56 am

One of my son's will iy'H be bar mitzvah in 8 weeks. For a party, we rented a small water park (sounds more extravagant than it is, but it's a pool with a large slide complex and 'river' that you can float around the park on) for the evening and then we will have a kiddush luncheon on the shabbos of the aliyah letorah. My problem is this: my feeling is that this is a big place, there is no reason not to invite as many boys in a family that want to come. My son, on the other hand, only wants to invite 7th grade and older b/c he doesn't want 'babyish younger kids' around (his brother's friends would be discluded this way b/c they would be starting 6th grade in the fall). My husband feels like it's his birthday, his party, he can invite who he wants. I think *esp* considering that this is a large place and you rent by the hour so there is no added cost, that it is just nasty to limit it like this (esp. since I think the real intent is to exclude his brother's friends). I think we shouldn't give in to this. Meanwhile my son is pouting that the younger kids are going to be in the way and ruin the fun for the older kids.

Any advice on this? We haven't sent out the invitations yet.

Tefila

Fri, Jun 17 2005, 12:24 pm

Quote:

I think we shouldn't give in to this. Meanwhile my son is pouting that the younger kids are going to be in the way and ruin the fun for the older kids

Interesting way to celebrate a Bar Mitzvah people r getting more creative.
Anyway as far as whom to invite I say u'r husband maybe right. If he doesn't want the younger ones tagging along them let it be just his age group.
Whose going to be there from the adults?

chavamom

Fri, Jun 17 2005, 4:43 pm

freilich wrote:

Whose going to be there from the adults?

Some of the fathers are coming. There are no pools here that have separate hours unless special arrangements are made, so it is kind of a 'special occassion' to be able to go swimming at all, much less at a water park.

We are looking at this as more of a 'birthday party' and the luncheon as the 'bar mitzvah' celebration, but truth is most of his friends did something similar for a bar mitzvah party.

daisy

Sat, Jun 18 2005, 10:20 pm

I think that if the other boys in your son's class only had their classmates at their parties then your husband and son have a legitimate point. On the other hand, since it sounds like a separate water activity in your city is a big deal (as would be in mine), maybe you can compromise and have only your son's classmates for the first half of the evening, and then invite the sibs for the latter part.

Tefila

Tue, Jun 28 2005, 4:11 pm

Hi so personally though I love to swim in a waterpark that would be seperate if given the opportunity especially in the heat of the summer.
But for a Bar Mitzvah is this really what you want your precious son to remember most? There is no comparison to the fun, glitter and excitement of splashing boys having fun, to a kiddush on shabbos and laining, saying a few words.
Maybe imo and hopefully yours too Smile

Focus more on making his kiddush/ bar mitzvah more on the mitzvah and exitement of it all, and later on next yr or down the road if u still want celebrate the Bar.
You will be so proud you did it, since turning Bar Mitzvah wont happen again Exclamation

But waterpark can even be done after ones married, bubby and zaidy Wink

. Think about it and try to convince u'r child. You r a women u can do it. You won't be disappointed down the road or maybe closer then that, you may just may appreciate this advice Very Happy

Hatzlacha and lets be a chain that adds another link to our past (of the old but true way) and ask ourselves, are we holding on Wink

chavamom

Tue, Jun 28 2005, 4:38 pm

Freilich - it is very accepted in our community to make both a 'kiddush' and a 'party' of some sort, often just for the boys. I hear your disapproval, and respect your opinion, but that wasn't the question I was asking. All the boys in his class had similar parties and they did not overshadow the mitzvah of the day.

Yes, sure I could postpone it, but I think it would cause more problems than it is worth. And why? What would it accomplish? The party is on the day of his actual birthday, the kiddush luncheon the day of the bar mitzvah. Two separate things.

We found a solution anyway. My son told me as long as he can tell his friends that his mother *made* him invite younger kids, he doesn't care if they are there. It is all about saving face.

Motek

Tue, Jun 28 2005, 4:52 pm

chavamom wrote:

it wasn't the question, true

some of us though, were just very taken aback

I can understand that you would want to provide for your son what other boys in your community get. It's not easy to be different.

A relative of mine made a bar mitzva and apparently she has similar community norms as you, for in addition to the Shabbos celebration she also had a Sunday party and the boys went out to play baseball. The boys were given baseball T-shirts which said, "X's bar mitzva" on it. Rolling Eyes

Quote:

Yes, sure I could postpone it, but I think it would cause more problems than it is worth. And why? What would it accomplish?

it would be disconnected with the occasion of accepting the ol mitzvos

chavamom

Tue, Jun 28 2005, 5:12 pm

Motek wrote:

I can understand that you would want to provide for your son what other boys in your community get. It's not easy to be different.

Exactly. It is not something that my husband or I would have necessarily planned, but are sensitive to the fact that it is a hard age to be 'different'. Esp. if your parents are 'frummies' already and you have to feel different in a small community anyway.

Quote:

A relative of mine made a bar mitzva and apparently she has similar community norms as you, for in addition to the Shabbos celebration she also had a Sunday party and the boys went out to play baseball. The boys were given baseball T-shirts which said, "X's bar mitzva" on it. Rolling Eyes

Yup, stuff like that goes on here all the time. My son has a drawer full of 'Koby's bar mitzvah' t-shirts and the like. We are not talking about the $50,000 Long Island type 'bar mitzvah' blow-outs, but rather something more of a 'special birthday party'. At least in this case we have found something that is not terribly expensive and is a community service of sorts. If we postpone it, we run into problems with the 9 days, people being out of town and the start of school. So aside from the fact that the park is already reserved, the [non-refundable] deposit put down and plans made - postponing isn't an option and not one that I would consider. Please leave it at that.

Pearl

Wed, Jun 29 2005, 4:34 am

Quote:

IndyMom wrote:

Perhaps your younger son can get permission to invite one or two friends so there won't be a whole bunch of "babyish" kids in the way of the older boys' fun.

good advice! that's what I do with my kids whenever there is a bday or something...

Quote:

What was your question? What did I miss?!?

I missed something too I guess.... what happened?

chavamom, sounds like you thought everything trough and I think your son will remember it as a special, and fun occassion!
mazzal tov, may it be besha'a tova, and may you have much nachas from him (and your other children too, of course) iyh!

chavamom

Wed, Jun 29 2005, 5:08 pm

The question was only important to the person who edited it out. Don't worry about it.

Thanks for the good wishes. If only I could get the mess with my son's tephilin, which due to a miscomunication are sitting in Eretz Yisrael and my son is supposed to lay them for the first time on Sunday. Anyone know someone coming back to the US this week? And any advice on how not to wring my husband's neck for being so laid back and not following up on this which created the problem in the first place?

Motek

Wed, Jun 29 2005, 5:22 pm

chavamom wrote:

And any advice on how not to wring my husband's neck for being so laid back and not following up on this which created the problem in the first place?

here's advice, hard to follow though (I need to practice!):

you say nothing and do nothing and let your husband take care of it

he's the father of the bar mitzva boy and it's the father who sees to it that his son has tefillin

TzenaRena

Sun, Jul 03 2005, 3:46 am

chavamom wrote:

Thanks for the good wishes. If only I could get the mess with my son's tephilin, which due to a miscomunication are sitting in Eretz Yisrael and my son is supposed to lay them for the first time on Sunday. Anyone know someone coming back to the US this week? And any advice on how not to wring my husband's neck for being so laid back and not following up on this which created the problem in the first place?

Hi chavamom. Mazal Tov. May Hashem grant your son success to be a Chossid, Yarei Shamayim and Lamdan (from the Rebbe's brocho to Bar-Mitzvah boys).

We're also making a Bar-Mitzvah soon iy"h. And yes, we also had a mix-up with the tefillin. see my son is a lefty, and the boy's father Wink

forgot to mention to the sofer that he is a lefty! We came to pick up the tefillin, and it dawned on us.... the sofer had to redo the kesher on the Shel -Yad of both pairs ( Rashi & Rabbenu Tam). But there was something else more complicated that he couldn't do on the spot. (it's only for comfort, not Kashrus). At some point I guess my son will have to borrow someone else's tefillin, while we give these in for fixing.

TzenaRena

Mon, Jul 04 2005, 12:07 pm

Motek wrote:

Quote:

(from the Rebbe's brocho to Bar-Mitzvah boys).

did the Rebbe wish that to non-chasidic bar mitzva boys?

I know that the Rebbe did not always wish people "chasidishe nachas" but sometimes "yiddishe nachas".

Motek, this is from the concluding line of the Rebbe's letter to all Bar-Mitzvah boys. Whoever informed the Rebbe that they will soon be Bar-Mitzvah got this exact letter from the Rebbe.