petrified-of-boss syndrome

gold21

Thu, Nov 15 2007, 10:18 am

ok so my director is generally a nice understanding person. I mean yeah she can get flippant or rude occasionally, but ok overall she really is a good director.

now my personal issue is that I am always sooo chicken to ask for things from her. like Why? I dont know. im just a total wimp when it comes to speaking to my boss about things I need. simply asking for a day off, even when its totally necessary, makes me nervous. If my son is not feeling well, and I need to come in late one day, I feel totally tense calling her and telling her so. I almost never take off, seriously almost never. But when I do need to take off, usually cuz of my son, I do so, but feel massively tense asking her about it.

Today my babysitter has to go to do some dental work and can only watch him til 12:30. I work til 4:30. So I could have found another babysitter for the afternoon, but I honestly dont think that is the right thing to do. My son is a year and a half, and cannot just be dumped on random ppl to be babysat by. So if my regular babysitter, who he is comfortable with, cannot watch him, I need to take off. I was totally shy and tense to call my boss about this. Like hello? Why? Whats there to be nervous about right? I am a mom first and employee second! But even tho logic tells me not to be so nervous when I need to ask for something, emotion dictates otherwise....

does anyone else have such a situation?

I am not a shy person by any means, I am quite outgoing and overall very confident. but when it comes to my boss, and only my boss, im a nervous nelly.

I am wondering if anyone has any insights or tips on dealing with this. I need to get over this boss-phobia. I need to be able to ask for things, like days off and stuff that I need, without having mini-panic attacks first. Confused

Last edited by gold21 on Thu, Nov 15 2007, 10:22 am; edited 1 time in total

gold21

Thu, Nov 15 2007, 10:25 am

my boss is not G-d. why do I need to have more respect for her than I do for myself and my own needs? I am important too. My son is important too. My boss is not any more important than we are. So I dont think that its a respect thing....
I think I have just these wacko emotions when I need to be confrontational with her, which is sooo aggravating and im practically ready to run into a psycho ward cuz its driving me insane that I cant stand up for myself!!

Garden

Thu, Nov 15 2007, 10:28 am

I don't have any real advice other than to tell you that you're normal. I am the same way and it kills me that I"m so scared of my boss. I usually end up emailing or instant messaging him when I have something that I"m embarrassed to tell him or ask him. I guess that's not an option here because you're not at work.. Good luck and know you're not alone!

gold21

Thu, Nov 15 2007, 10:34 am

thank you swimmer, I needed to hear that...that I am not alone in this craziness....!!
ok so the thing that bothers me most is that because I am afraid to ask for things from her, I did once let my son go to a babysitter he didnt know when my regular one couldnt watch him, and I once let him go to the babysitter when he was teething badly and not feeling well, etc...like because of my own fears and phobias, my son has to lose out so to speak.
do you ever feel that way, that cuz youre too shy to ask for something, your kid loses out?

gold21

Thu, Nov 15 2007, 10:41 am

most of the time I do take off when my son needs me. thats basically the only reason that I would ever take off. but those other times that I did not take off, which I mentioned above, were like right after another day that I took off and I was like " I cant ask to take off AGAIN...I just took off a week and a half ago" but like you know what, why couldnt I have taken off...like says who? you know? I always feel guilty about these things, im crazy like that! Confused

Starhavah

Thu, Nov 15 2007, 10:38 pm

Hi Gold 21,

Your profile does not say how old you are, but I am going to guess that you are in your 20's. When I was in my 20's I felt the same way. I was always afraid of getting fired. To the point that I did not tell anyone if I did not know how to do something, I was afraid if they knew I did not know something they would just fire me on the spot. It meant I spent a huge amount of time worring about nothing and figuring out things that I could have more easily done if I just asked for help. On the positive side I developed a reputation for being self-reliant and a person anyone could go to for help since I "knew it all". I am a real self-starter and I think the fear that if I had any downtime the company would "realize" they did not need me made me that way.

Now that I am in my mid 40's the fear is gone, but all of the positive things I learned (like being self-reliant and a self-starter) remain. I know what my weaknesses are and my strengths. I am no longer afraid of being fired because I trust myself. I do not think I did anything overt to create the change, it was a combination of aging and learning to trust myself.

Star Havah

TzenaRena

Fri, Nov 16 2007, 3:23 am

Starhavah, I'm happy that you got over that, but I'm now going through the same thing, whereas in my twenties I did not realize how bosses judge you, and made the mistake of expressing myself too freely, I've had enough experience by now to know that Gold21's fears are all too well grounded.

Gold 21, you are one smart lady. Bosses are not your friend. When you start "needing" too much attention, you become a headache. A headache is something people don't want. They will not take the time to sort out what you are "making waves" about, you will already be on the bad list. Sad

I've gone through this several times, and learned the hard way. sorry Gold, if I'm not being much help . You're lucky when you get one of those exceedingly rare empathetic bosses, otherwise you have to bear with it. That said, if you need to take off, you do, Just say I won't be able to come in today/tommorow. Anyway, they really don't want to care what kind of appointment your babsitter has.... Give as little info as possible, somehow the more they know about your life, the more it can end up reflecting poorly, being used against you. How's that for an upbeat post? Wink

e1234

Fri, Nov 16 2007, 4:11 am

I can relate to this 100%. I work from home as an independent worker but ended up having a few bosses that expect everything to be done immediately when they need it.
this gives me a lot of pressure and I end up working much too much and I know it's not good and I'm trying to cut down but it's so hard...
I keep telling myself my kids are more important (and isn't that's why I'm working in the first place) so I have to put my limits up but it is so hard...

Starhavah

Fri, Nov 16 2007, 10:20 am

gold21 wrote:

im 22, Starhavah..
thanks guys!...its true, bosses are not your friends....but still as employees, we need to be able to stand up for ourselves and realize that our needs are important...
im happy to know that im not the only one with these annoying feelings though!...

Also another choice is to find a work envornment that is more "kid friendly". I have worked for YMCA's and synagogues where if my daughter had the day off since she is in day school or was sick I could bring her in with a bunch of toys and a nap mat and let her stay in my office or join in with any "age appropriate activities" that were happening in the building that day. One year I was the principal of a Sunday school/religious school program and since Tova was with me past the time there day care center was open I was able to hire two 10 year olds to babysit sit her in the afternoon/evening even though she was only 2 because I was in the building and they would play with her in my office and come get me if they needed me.

That is a great arrangement. They were both young girls and this was their first babysitting gig and I normally would not have left her with such young babysitters unless she was asleep, but since they were in the same building with me, I felt comfortable. My boss loved the arrangement since it meant that I was at work when he needed me there.

Just another option to think about.

Star Havah