How do you deal with this?

amother

Mon, Dec 24 2007, 8:44 am

Please bear with me, this might be a bit long as I try to explain the situation.

My oldest DD , who is 12, is constantly being nasty, chutzpadik, the mornings are an absolute nightmare, hard to get her out of bed. (I know, she 's 12, what else is new, lol) Her Yiddish marks are not up to par to what she's capable of, although they HAVE gotten better after her principal , teacher and I explained to her that her yiddish marks are going on her record this year and she will not be accepted into highschool if her marks are not good enough. (Her English average is B"H in the 90's, without making an effort:)

About 2 weeks ago, we had one of "those" mornings, where she refused to get out of bed, crying and carrying on, how she's tired , etc. (She is getting enough sleep now) I did manage to get her up and out, and when she came home that afternoon I asked her why she was being like that in the morning.
She said that I'm always screaming at her to get up ( yes I have to raise my voice after 10 minutes of begging her to get up) So we had a good talk, and I told her that I promise to try my best not to raise my voice, as long as she does her part and gets up without a major production.
So for about 2 weeks , it was all peaceful here, really tried to keep my cool (although sometimes after asking her to do something over and over again, I was ready to blow my fuse, I still kept my self control. She was also happier, so it was really working out.

Then last week, before leaving for school, she throws 4 quizes in front of me to sign. One was a 75, I thought very good. The next 3 were all below a 50 Sad

I confronted her , and of course she started crying, when I told her that from here on she will come home from school every day until next report card and will be studying and reviewing her chumash and Navi from that day until bed time. No telephone, no TV or comp. games (although she already wasn't allowed any of that most days of the week)
She stormed out of the house screaming I hate you, you're the worst mother, I wish you would die. As hurtful as that was, I know it's supposed to be normal teen talk. I dunno, was I supposed to be happy about her failing marks?? Am I supposed keep mum, and let her do as she pleases??

She had plans to go away fro tis past shabbos to her friend whom she was doing a project with for school. I considered not letting her go, but because the project is due this week and they had to finish, I let her. I made it clear that the minute she gets home on sunday, she will sit down and study for today. Well, she came home, sat down next to her little sister who was watching a cartoon. I asked her when she's planning to start studying, she yells to me that she doesn't have so much to do, and she'll do it later, then starts crying again, DH says, go lay down and rest, because I see you kids had no sleep at all this weekend, the you'll get up, shower and review your work.
I woke her 2 hrs. later, first she was ignoring me, than after I threatened not to let her go to a school siyum, she got up in a huff, took a shower, studied her Parsha sheet, and brought it to me to test her. She seemed to have calmed down, went to sleep around 10.
Well , today she's home. After trying to get her out of bed, crying again about how mean I am for making her get up , which she actually did, got dressed, by this time I had lost most of my cool, although I was still being civil, but firm. It was time to go to the bus, but she's still crying , and yelling "hate you", you're not my mother etc, she just wouldn't budge, I called DH, he came home from work to take them to school , she absolutely refused, so he took my other kids.

So to all of you moms of preteens...HELP. I have no idea how to deal anymore. When I was trying my hardest to be nice and accomodating and rewarding, it didn't work. Yelling , threatening, I took away priviledges , it's still not working. What DOES work? Sad

chanieTLS

Mon, Dec 24 2007, 8:52 am

Be calm and make it clear that it is all about her choices. She doesn't get up on time? Well, that night bedtime is thirty minutes earlier. She doesn't study enough for a test, she will not be going to a friend's house. Also there should never be any phonecalls, TV time or anything before all the homework is done and you have quizzed her to see if she is prepared for test and quizzes.

Also, no more screaming. There is no reason to scream and it doesn't improve anything. Also, don't get into arguments with her. But I meant this, but only this time, but what about... none of that. You are the mom, you calmly give her a warning and then explain what the consequence will be and that she chose to have those consequences through her behavior. All very calmly, no showing that you are upset.

I have a 13 year old girl.

Tefila

Mon, Dec 24 2007, 8:56 am

Quote:

Her Yiddish marks are not up to par to what she's capable of, although they HAVE gotten better after her principal , teacher and I explained to her that her yiddish marks are going on her record this year and she will not be accepted into highschool if her marks are not good enough. (Her English average is B"H in the 90's, without making an effort:)

and

Quote:

Then last week, before leaving for school, she throws 4 quizes in front of me to sign. One was a 75, I thought very good. The next 3 were all below a 50 I confronted her , and of course she started crying, when I told her that from here on she will come home from school every day until next report card and will be studying and reviewing her chumash and Navi from that day until bed time.

As a mother of preteens and still trying to get it right myself Tongue Out

1. Is something going on in school that she excells in her English Subjects and not in her hebrew. I would look into the school first.

2. Some kids like adults r morning people some r not. With that being said yes they still need to get up but some do well with a knock on their door and some need to have their light actually switched on some music on the intercom works too. Yelling acheives nothing for anyone speaking from experiance embarrassed

Hatzlacha hope someone on here can help u Wink

amother

Mon, Dec 24 2007, 9:21 am

Thanks for your responses, please keep 'em coming. This site is such a source of chizuk for me!

Quote:

either she gives & gets - or she doesn't give and does not get ..

I told her this. I told her that if she expects us to keep giving and letting her do stuff, she's gotta give back. Doesn't seem to be sinking in. I told her all that she has lost by acting like she did this morning and last night, all she answers whilst crying is "I don't care" . I told her that she has one week to get her act together and THEN we we can discuss letting her have some of her priviledges back, slowly, one week at a time.

Quote:

Also there should never be any phonecalls, TV time or anything before all the homework is done and you have quizzed her to see if she is prepared for test and quizzes.

Yes, chanie, I agree, and that's actually been implemented, but we took all those away from Sunday-Thursday completely, because she proved herself not trustworthy when it came to revealing ALL the quizes and tests she was having the next day, so she would rush through, just so she can get to the fun stuff. Thursday night, they don't have major homework, or any tests to study for , so they can help for shabbos, so I let her watch and talk on the phone. But again, this is still not working...or is it just sleep deprivation from staying up til all hours over the weekend? This is the first time this year that she's missing school for no good reason, could it be hormonal? (No she hasn't started her period yet)

Quote:

2. Some kids like adults r morning people some r not.

U can say that again! I guess she takes that after me embarrassed

I hate getting out of bed (but of course I have to, so I do)totally not a morning person which I guess exacerbates the sitch, because I don't have the patience to deal with this stress every morning.

Quote:

1. Is something going on in school that she excells in her English Subjects and not in her hebrew. I would look into the school first.

She WOULD do well in hebrew if she studied , but some subjects are harder than others and it requires hours of studying. I spoke to her hebrew teacher, who is AMAZING. She IS tough, but it's because she's trying to prepare the girls for the high school entrance exams in October of next year. Dumbing down tests are certainly not to their benefit. Up until last year she was doing fairly well in hebrew , too, but as soon as there's too much studying involved, she gets frustrated. Chumash and Navi involves lots of memorization, milim (words) have to asnwer everything in hebrew, dates in Historia.

English - she's a smart kid, and I'm not biased LOL

and it seems to come naturally to her. I should mention that I NEVER see her studying for anything in english. Her lowest mark this year was a 93 Confused

I want to say something to pull her out of this mood, but what do I say, she pushed me away earlier, how do I approach her, I don't want to make her cry again, but I don't want her to think I've gone soft and this tantrum worked to her advantage??