Uncle and daughter

odchai

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 6:05 am

My DH's brother continues to show affection to our 13 year old daughter by hugging her. He is not as frum as we are and I guess does not think there is anything wrong with giving her hugs etc. even though my DH has told him he really shouldn't. How much of an issue should we make out of this? BTW he is affectionate to his sisters and wife as well, not abnormal just not totally accepted in our circles.

shalhevet

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 8:02 am

You need to sit him down without your daughter and explain it's unacceptable. It is forbidden according to halacha and it's not fair to let your dd handle it herself. Just tell him that halacha doesn't allow it (whether or not he agrees with halacha is irrelevant) and that it makes your dd uncomfortable.

Purplehair

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 8:09 am

I think you also need to stress that it upsets your family as well as the way you are raising your family. Even if he doesn't respect the same halachot that you do, hopefully he would respect your family's wishes that he not be so physically affectionate with your daughter.

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 8:56 am

Wow...u know this is something I struggle with constantly..

My entire family is not frum, but we are very close.. We hug and ask how everyone is doing etc..

If I were to at one time just say, NO MORE TOUCHING. They would consider that I am snubbing them. Even if I would sit down and explain it to them, and they have helped me sooo much.

odchai

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 9:09 am

Mitzvahmom, that's pretty close to where I am coming from. But in my family we are all "frum" just not all on the same level of observance if you know what I mean. My BIL would listen to us and would proceed to ignore us, not because he is trying to be disrespectful but just because he's kind of clueless when it comes to these things. He still sees our dd as she was when she was a baby, he used to take care of her, babysit, change her diapers etc. We lived with my in-laws and he wasn't married yet and he has known my dd since the day she was born. I came home to that same house after she was born. So he doesn't see it as a problem, and he may think we are being a little too extreme. He does know where to draw the line though he would never come over to me and try to hug me!
What I'm really asking is after mentioning it to him more than once how far do we take the issue?

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 9:12 am

as my daughter gets older it's going to become more of a problem

Currently B"H we do not live close by, so they only see my family at family gatherings..

But it's like said, how far do you push it? They are family, you do not want to upset them or upset yourself by pushing things too far.

BTW my family would say I am too extreme if I would say it too.

Seraph

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 10:56 am

Yea, I also havea similar issue with family members who arent allowed to touch my husband, touching him... For example, his 6 year old neice. And my 8 year old sister. I tell my husband it bothers me when he hugs them, and he said he cant do anyhting about it because these are kids that never learned about negiya... and even though he has told them to stop, they dont remember, or dont realize its a big deal, and even play games about it- poking him, etc... Don't realize its halacha and therefore I dunno what to do about it.
I hope that when I have daughters, my brothers and brothers in law will have the seichel to understand that if I don't want a 3 year old girl touching them, they need to respect that and not roughhouse with her either, if you catch my drift...

happymom

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 11:56 am

according to the laws of tznius it is not allowed. u can show ure daughter how its not allowed, and tell him u dont hold that its ok. and she can be aware and not let him do it.

Ima'la

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 1:18 pm

Ok, this is going to sound ridiculous, but I heard a rav suggest something similar on a tape once - I think he was joking - but depending on personalities, it could work...

It will only work if dd also doesn't like him hugging her.

13 is a very volatile, just-becoming-a-teenager time - use it to your advantage! Next time he comes too close, let her throw a fit, "Aaaahhh! Don't touch me! I don't want men to touch me! Aaaahhhh!" and run screaming and crying to her room. After she's left the room, you and dh look at each other, back and uncle and shrug, "Teenagers..."

OTOH, I'm not so sure about the chinuch implications of parents suggesting this to their daughter...

Ok, bash away!!!!...........................

Tefila

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 1:41 pm

Quote:

13 is a very volatile, just-becoming-a-teenager time - use it to your advantage! Next time he comes too close, let her throw a fit, "Aaaahhh! Don't touch me! I don't want men to touch me! Aaaahhhh!" and run screaming and crying to her room. After she's left the room, you and dh look at each other, back and uncle and shrug, "Teenagers..."

What a picture LOL