Inviting yourself to a wedding

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 18 2008, 7:27 am

With all these talks of shul/hall/hotel/home wedding, I started looking at my wedding pics again, and discovered that a few people "belonging" neither to me nor to dh invited themselves to my wedding!

They ate (they are on tables pics), they danced, they had their portrait taken by the photographer. They look like a frum young couple, maybe engaged/advanced shidduch (no haircovering). It's weird!

Is it common to do? I must say I've never heard of that happening in Europe...

There were strangers at the kabbalas panim, because some came to ask brachos, others were visiting the shul... but this is different, right?

Marion

Mon, Feb 18 2008, 7:35 am

1. I had a couple of people who I *know* were not on the guest list but were definitely at the wedding. Our wedding was buffet-style (no at-table service), and we paid a total # of spaces, and there were people who had to cancel at the last minute, so to me it was all the same.

2. It used to be common practice to set an extra table and invite the community's poor to partake of the wedding meal, so if someone crashed, in my mind it's no big deal.

3. The chuppah itself is a public event (halachically speaking), and does not require an invitation.

4. It is common, at least in my circles, to invite for chuppah & dancing or kabbalat panim & chuppah, even if not for the main meal.

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 18 2008, 7:40 am

Interesting!

we did have at table service, and I didn't mind a few extra people (especially since anyway some didn't show up either), but did you KNOW the people not on the guest list? were they non invited, or strangers?

The chuppa I suppose there were also strangers, I should look again... (just looked, it seems so)

I don't remembering seeing invites for something specific, it seems to be either invited to everything (although not all people stay all the time) or not invited... I know I would feel bad if someone invited me, but "don't stay for the meal" lol. Must be cultural. I probably wouldn't bother answering/going.

miriamnechama

Mon, Feb 18 2008, 8:08 am

here ion israel usually everyone comes... I don't remeber or care about who was invited or not.. after all you don't throw them out.

I've seen weddingsin israel that every one came and sat down how they do it I don't know. my cousin got married 2 years agow hen my dad had just come from london.. I told him come with to teh chasna,,, my uncle was thrilled he came for the meal.

some chutznik style chasuna I don't feel comfortable sitting down so I just go for the chuppa nad go home.. but it's hard to explain that to kids... I had 2 like that and soon ds's rebbe is marying off a daughter. I plan to take him for the chuppa and go home.

bar mitzva also alot of times in my community invites are not sent or didn't arrive... and it's not usually a meal. if I know but wasn't invited andit's close and I know the people I'll just go over to say mazal tov. more than once the baalei simcha are very hapy.

England is a story in itself.. one thing I don't get is place names.. why I don't know....

when my nephew got married in the summer for some reason my real father wasn't invited.. it was my foster father's grandson.. so I told him come anyways to teh chuppa.... dad's policy is if we wasn't invited he doesn't go. I said no one will throw you justcome. so he did after teh chuppa they told him to come to the dinner.. I would have told him anyways.. so he came as did my brother . but there was no name for him.. so what did dh do.. he gave up his seat for dad and went tosit with teh bachurim.. dh is israel and why should he care... by doing this he made both chosson and dad happy. also usually there is so much food left that gets trashed that what will one more portion do??

Raisin

Mon, Feb 18 2008, 10:17 am

At a wedding I was at once, a whole bunch of bochurim turned up as a surprise for the chossen. (from another country) Alas, they failed to inform the kallahs mother. There wasn't enough food, so the kallahs family went hungary.

In this case, they were invited, but, as many bochurim/students/single seem to think, have some amazing idea that food just miraculously appears and doesn't actually need to be cooked or anything, so therefore there is no need to let your hostess know that you are coming. Rolling Eyes

louche

Tue, Feb 19 2008, 1:29 pm

In most opinions it's very rude to attend an event to which you haven't been invited, but there are those who seem to think that all simchas are sort of "open enrollment" and one or two more people won't matter if you're already having hundreds of guests.

Now in some of these wedding mills where there are 2, 3 or more simchas going on at once, a person could easily end up at the wrong one and not even realize it. It almost happened to me once. One was a Something-Levi wedding, and the other was a Levy-Somethingelse wedding. My ex-classmate was Levi and I couldn't remember her chosson's name. When I got to the place about 30 seconds before the chuppah and saw a sign Levy-Somethingelse, I naturally raced off in that direction.

Are you quite certain the gate-crashers weren't very distant relatives, who maybe came insted of their parents?sometimes someone who accepted and can't go sends someone else instead, so the place setting shouldn't go to waste.

Then again, who knows? some people may make a game of gate-crashing. They have an excuse to get dressed up and a they get a good free meal. Dinner and dancing, what can be bad? They know in a mob scene like a wedding no one is likely to notice them; if anyone from one side asks, they can claim to be from the other side. Bizarre, and chutzpadik, but probably a harmless prank unless they take someone's rightful seat.