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Being frum around non-Jewish co-workers



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Sunangel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 16 2008, 9:09 pm
I feel very isolated at work. My co-workers eat lunck together at non-kosher retaurants, go to happy hour every Firday afternoon, go shopping together on Staurdays and gossip about eachother latest flings.

Since I am not able to be inloved in any of this, I feel very distant. When I am busy its fine...but when I have to go to a meeting or when we are having a coffe break and everyone is talking and laughing about the latest show on TV or who's sleeping with who in Hollywood...I feel akward and alone.

I also can not take part in luncheons or anything else of the nature, I feel akward just sitting and watching so I generally just stay in my office and work.

Of course we exchange basic nicities and ask eachother about the superficial things but I am not close with anyone at work.

I am the only frum employee and I just find it lonely.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 16 2008, 9:12 pm
I thought I wanted that at one time, but I see the difficulties....
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Sunangel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 16 2008, 9:18 pm
What do you mean?
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 16 2008, 9:47 pm
I had wokred in the jewish world for a long timne and was sick of working in such an sisolated type office.
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ybs




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 16 2008, 10:29 pm
Its hard to be the "light unto the nations". Its lonely at the top.
Its too easy to get sucked into the non jewish world. Just remember who you are and be proud.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2008, 7:19 am
I am in the same situation and have been for almost my entire career (I had a Conservadox colleague for a year or two at one point).

The way I deal with it is to focus on my work. I'm pleasant to everybody, I'll chitchat if the situation calls for it, but most of the time I'm in my office with the door shut working. After all, work is not my life; work is just what I do to make the parnassah to pay tuition for the kids, and all of the other living expenses of our family. There are reasons for the halachas that make it difficult to socialize with non-Jews, and one of them is davka to make it difficult to socialize with non-Jews. It's not that they aren't nice, fine people; in fact I like the people I work with very much.

Could you do something else to break up loneliness in your day? Could you meet your DH for lunch? Do a telephone chavrusa at lunch? Take a walk on your break?
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suomynona




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2008, 7:25 am
Sunangel, I had the exact same situation as you for a number of years. I hardly even worked with any women at all. And I couldn't focus on my work because I was very bored at work. There wasn't enough to do.

I ended up leaving and going to work with frum people because I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like I was going to snap from the boredom and lonliness.
I was single at the time. I think if I would've been married I would've been able to handle it a lot more. First of all because had I needed the money, I would have had more motivation to stay. And if I would have had more going on in my life outside of work, it wouldn't have been so bad to be bored and lonely for part of my day.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2008, 9:15 am
Quote:
I feel very isolated at work. My co-workers eat lunck together at non-kosher retaurants


suggest that you all go to a kosher one, to "make them discover", or "so we can all eat together"

Quote:
go to happy hour every Firday afternoon


this one has no solution

Quote:
, go shopping together on Staurdays


you could go

Quote:
and gossip about eachother latest flings.


you could listen and give them "settle down" advice

Quote:
Since I am not able to be inloved in any of this, I feel very distant. When I am busy its fine...but when I have to go to a meeting or when we are having a coffe break and everyone is talking and laughing about the latest show on TV or who's sleeping with who in Hollywood...I feel akward and alone.


try to bring in other interests, other topics... or discuss what you can (tv yes, untznius no).
Quote:

I am the only frum employee and I just find it lonely.


as the only Jew in my class, I can tell you. You have three choices. Find a job in a frum office, stay lonely, or adapt as much as possible without compromising on your beliefs. That's the last one I do, because I need social life too.


Is it common for coworkers to be so close? my mom tells me coworkers who eat together it's already very close and nice!
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mom21n2




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2008, 9:49 am
Is there a kosher food place near your office? Go there and look for the other ladies who are dining alone. They work in your neighborhood and have the same problem. (We all do. ...Sort of a bummer.)
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Pickle Lady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2008, 10:43 am
I worked in a similar situation like the OP. When I worked in the suburbs, it was easier because there weren't much options for going out. Also most of the people I worked with were older married people(no happy hour) and my company was really large. I was the only jew and the only frum person there out of about 200 emplyees. The closet kosher place was an hour away. Once a month our department had a lunch meeting and the secretary would get lunches for the whole department. Ofcourse she would always ask me what I wanted and kept insisting there must be something I could get. I told her to get me a snapple. Atleast that would include me. So on those days I would just bring my lunch and drink my snapple during the meeting. The best thing about that place was that we had early fridays and the other days we worked a 9 hour day to leave at 12 on fridays. Alot of engineering companies do this I found out later.

Then when I worked in manhattan it was very different. Thats when the ahppy hour came in. We had many office luncheons in restaurant and even though there were kosher restaurant nearby, they wouldn't go to them. Only time they ordered kosher food was for my maternity leave goodbye lunch. Leaving on fridays was really difficult and I had to just sneak out or I would never get out of there. It was lonely socially but most of the people I worked with were workaholitcs so it wasn't that bad.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2008, 11:01 am
I work in an almost all frum, all male office. I started going to shiurim in the neighborhood nearby, but I didn't care for the women there.

I started going to a nearby chabad house, and guess what - it's all men, too.

My suggestion is you let work be work. If you have time to meet a friend for lunch, do so. Make sure you have ample opportunities for social interaction at night/weekends.

But try to relate to them on some level - their birthdays, their kids, recipes. I'm on a non Jewish board, for example,and I see that deep down pp[l are not so different.
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louche




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2008, 11:30 am
It never bothered me too much. As I have no desire to go out to dinner with my coworkers, "I'm sorry, I only eat in kosher restaurants" works for me. while I'm cordial on the job, I don't want to socialize on my off hours with the people I work with. I feel it's healthier to have a separation between work and personal life.

OTOH, maybe my coworkers are different from yours. I'm cordial to everyone, a little friendlier with a handful of women I've worked with forever, to the extent that we comment in passing about the weather, or ask each other about our kids or vacation plans--very pareve stuff. Or we "gossip" about the department: who's retiring, who's hiring, how rotten the proposed contract is...

I think it's possible to be mildly "social" at the office without carrying it over to nonwork hours.
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cdawnr




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2008, 12:01 pm
If as a personality you are social and need to have some interaction with yur coworkers (obviously some do and some don't) and there is nothing kosher around, why not try bring in some muffins once in a whle and offering them. People will come toyour desk and shmooZe for a few minutes and this way you will be able to get to know them a little and find something in common;. YOu may not be able to do everything with them, but you can feel more connected.
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waterbottle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2008, 12:23 pm
It is hard. My co-workers hang out and see movies on weekends and obviously they don't invite me because they know I can't eat out with them. Honestly, I'm fine with it. I have friends in the Jewish community and I don't need to be buddy/buddy with all my co-workers.

Two of my bosses are aware of what kosher is and that I keep kosher and the other executives just think I'm on a very healthy diet. We sometimes go to a cafeteria and I'm able to get packaged food like Odwalla bars and packaged crackers. The whole "health" excuse was ruined on the day I decided to get an OU-D Ice cream bar Very Happy
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 20 2008, 10:33 am
I'm in the same situation. I'm am the only jewish + orthodox person in an organization of about 100 people. The truth is that most people have lots of interesting questions and like understanding what kosher is and all about the jewish holidays. When it was chanukah I brought in some donuts and latkas for my co-workers. and when there are staff parties the team now knows how to identify the kosher symbol on a lot of the packaged foods. Yes, like you, when there are staff lunches I don't participate but I bring my own restaurant food and they reemburse me. They always make funny comments how my food looks better anyways. Of course, you do feel different being the only one wearing skirts... and for me wearing a headband everyday (so far no one has asked me that question yet) But in general, try to just focus on your work when you are at work. I've worked in frum organizations in the past and prefer this situtation better as working with in the frum community was too demanding, I would have clients calling me at home (I work in healthcare).
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Sunangel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 27 2008, 8:18 pm
Thanks for all your suggestions. Sorry I didnt read them till now...too busy at work :-)
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waterbottle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 27 2008, 9:09 pm
I showed my co-workers shabbos robes on the internet and they think I'm insane. It's funny...
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