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What do you think about this situation?



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amother


 

Post Thu, Apr 03 2008, 5:39 pm
So this girl that used to live in my community called me a couple of nights ago and left a message. I happened to be at school and forgot to call her back and she called me again tonight. Apparently, she's back in the neighborhood for Pesach - she moved away. She asked me to host in my home a party where she sells some items. On the one hand, I wanted to say yes because it's the nice thing to do and it would be fun, on the other hand, we weren't friends, we never talked when she was here, we never even ate by each other for shabbos, but she heard I had a big home and a lot of friends she could sell to and so she wanted to host her party at my house. What do you think? Also, it's right before Pesach. So, it turns out I'm not even going to be home those nights, so I said no, but wwyd?
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 03 2008, 5:54 pm
if it would've been fun for you, what difference does your lack of relationship have to do with it? if a "real" friend asked, would you do it because she's a "real" friend or because it would be fun? I understand if it would be somebody you didn't like, even though it would be fun.
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louche




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 03 2008, 6:03 pm
RU crazy? right before Pesach--if it were my own sister I'd have said no. And she'd have said no to me if the roles were reversed.

I don't see the problem: you're not even going to be home. surely she didn't expect you to give her the run of the house in your absence?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Apr 03 2008, 6:16 pm
yo'ma wrote:
if it would've been fun for you, what difference does your lack of relationship have to do with it?


From the OP, it sounds like it's not only a "lack of relationship," but a situation where this girl wants to "use" the following:

OP wrote:
she heard I had a big home and a lot of friends she could sell to and so she wanted to host her party at my house.


Honestly, I think this girl sounds obnoxious.
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louche




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 03 2008, 6:46 pm
amother wrote:
yo'ma wrote:
if it would've been fun for you, what difference does your lack of relationship have to do with it?


From the OP, it sounds like it's not only a "lack of relationship," but a situation where this girl wants to "use" the following:

OP wrote:
she heard I had a big home and a lot of friends she could sell to and so she wanted to host her party at my house.


Honestly, I think this girl sounds obnoxious.


oh, absolutely. OP is fortunate to have had two ironclad excuses to refuse.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 03 2008, 7:54 pm
I don't understand why everybody is against her "friend" here. It sounds like the op wants to do it, but....Why should any of that make a difference if she wants to do it? But really all of it is moot because she's not even going to be home.
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freidasima




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 04 2008, 4:13 am
Sounds to me like a user.
Good that you had excuses.
Just love those people who think that because they knew you a drop in the past they can take advantage of you in the future.
I, too, wouldn't let my sister do this...if my mother would ask me, it would be a hard situation...
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 04 2008, 4:39 am
Quote:
Just love those people who think that because they knew you a drop in the past they can take advantage of you in the future.
Just because someone asks for a favor, it doesn't mean that they're a user. If they always ask and never reciprocate, yes. She probably did ask her because she has a big house and a lot of friends, but it didn't sound like she tried to be chummy first and then ask. This is her business and her parnasa and that's the way she makes it, by trying to sell in peoples homes by people who know a lot of people. She wouldn't ask a perfect stranger. It really bugs me how people get upset when someone asks for a favor and the person thinks that they are using you. If you don't want to do it, just say NO!
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freidasima




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 05 2008, 10:56 am
yo'ma I hear you.
But I also know the society we come from and how we are taught.
We are taught as women and especially as frum women, not to say no.
We are taught to feel guilty if we have to say "no".
And we are also subtly sometimes taught by various parts of society to use that guilt to get people to do things for us which aren't comfortable for them, and which are sometimes even really hard and painful for them...and we take no compunction in using that knowledge to "manipulate".

what the op described in her post sounded a bit like that to me...and it sounded like she felt very guilty and the minute that a person asks a favor and the other person has to say "no" and itis obvious that they feel upset and even guilty about it (as I understood that the OP feels), it is not a nice thing to do. that's why I wrote what I did because someone who asks and sees this reaction and doesn't make the OP feel better about it, it's a problem.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 05 2008, 3:30 pm
Quote:
But I also know the society we come from and how we are taught.
We are taught as women and especially as frum women, not to say no.
We are taught to feel guilty if we have to say "no".
And we are also subtly sometimes taught by various parts of society to use that guilt to get people to do things for us which aren't comfortable for them, and which are sometimes even really hard and painful for them...and we take no compunction in using that knowledge to "manipulate".
I guess I'd rather feel guilty saying no than holding a grudge against them. Because that's what would happen if I said yes when I really don't want to. Don't think I always say no when I don't want to do something. I know when it's appropiate to say yes even though I wouldn't want to do it.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Apr 05 2008, 6:47 pm
Op - Yes I do feel that she was using me. But it's true it is her parnassa. I just think it was a bit chutzpadik to never have me over for shabbos, never call me, never hang out with me, barely speak in shul (even though we knew each other) but, when she needs something and is back in town, I'm the first person she calls.
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MahPitom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 06 2008, 6:49 am
You never know if this can turn into a great moneymaking fun-thing to do. Give her a shot, but at your own convenience. Also, usually the person who hosts the party at least gets a free gift, or usually – the commission for the sales of the people in her home. That’s the only way you should consider this,. Otherwise, she can do it at the pizza shop, no strings attached!
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 06 2008, 9:45 am
Quote:
on the other hand, we weren't friends, we never talked when she was here, we never even ate by each other for shabbos, but she heard I had a big home and a lot of friends she could sell to and so she wanted to host her party at my house

Ok so it sounds like why make the effort especially before Pesacjh and you not being there to accomodate her when she couldn't before accomodate you. I hear ya revenge is sweet sadly.
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ny_ima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 07 2008, 6:32 pm
wwId? the same! but I wouldnt feel guilty about it.
it IS erev pesach... its not someone u r obligated to...
it doesnt matter y u chose to turn her down. it is ur choice.

if u want to support her, u can offer to purchase some items
from her 'business'
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supermommy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 07 2008, 6:59 pm
usually these home parties come with great perks for you as the hostess such as free products. Home parties like these are fun. you didn't mention what kind of products so I can't be 100% sure but I have only had a good time at such parties and didn't regret going to one even if I didn't purchase anything. but right before pesach? "NO" is understandable, maybe you can offer to do it after pesach. She only asked, if it's inconvenient it's not necessary to get all ruffled up, just tell her that before pesach is just a really bad time.
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louche




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 08 2008, 6:38 am
amother wrote:
Op - Yes I do feel that she was using me. But it's true it is her parnassa. I just think it was a bit chutzpadik to never have me over for shabbos, never call me, never hang out with me, barely speak in shul (even though we knew each other) but, when she needs something and is back in town, I'm the first person she calls.


that's why I felt she's a "user". If it had been a good friend of yours who kept in touch, it would have been a different story. even so--right before pesach? is she crazy? for my best friend I wouldn't do such a thing.

I guess she's not such a smart businesswoman. Smart businesspeople maintain social contact with everyone b/c they can never tell when someone might be able to help them or refer them to someone who can.
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