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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Sending a child away



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Would you ever send away a child to boarding school ( over 12) ?
yes, of course it is very good for him or her  
 10%  [ 3 ]
no, are you kidding ? This is my child and he or she needs parents even more during the teenage years  
 41%  [ 12 ]
It would depend on the maturity and good behavior of the child  
 48%  [ 14 ]
Total Votes : 29



amother


 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2005, 10:19 am
We are considering sending away our son after 6th grade for junior high and high school b/c the boys' schools in our area are inadequate at this point. I am against this because I feel that a boy ( and a girl for that matter) needs his parents and his home during the sensitive adolescent period. It seems almost neglectful to just let someone else raise your child so completely and to leave his emotional development to good luck or chance. You would never do it with a two year old and I don't think kids need you any less when they are 13, 14, 15, 16. My husband, however, thinks it will be fine b/c he knows lots of families who do this and their kids turn out okay. My question to anyone who has any personal experience with this or knows any families who have sent away their teenage kids. How has it worked out ? In which case would it be beneficial or harmful to the child ? What characteristics does it depend on ? What was difficult about sending a child away ? What was good ? What could go wrong ? How do you decide ? Is it just if your kid is independent and relatively well-behaved, he can go ? What do you need to watch out for ? Are the kids who are sent away from home and look okay, really okay or are they somehow negatively affected anyway ?
Any input is appreciated.

posted as amother b/c of identifying information.
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2005, 12:22 pm
Hi amother I'm in a similar predicament as you. Except my boys go to a dorm setting. Is there none for yours or is it b/c you feel more comfortable w/h them in seperate homes. You can pm me too if u want.
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2005, 12:51 pm
My father was sent to yeshiva out of town when he was 9 and his brother was 10, shockingly young. There were no yeshivos where they lived and this was mesirus nefesh on his parents' part. And this was a time when long distance calls were expensive and you traveled by car, not plane, and the trip was much longer than it is today.

So how did they fare? Well, the dorm of this yeshiva was well-supervised and since there were numerous children in the dorm, including child survivors from the war, and children from South America, they weren't anomalies. My father also had an uncle in the yeshiva and an aunt who lived nearby, which helped.

I'm sure he missed home but his yeshiva experience made him into what he is today (a learned ben Torah balabus) and he never expressed regrets, at least not to me.

But sending kids away today is vastly different than sending them to yeshiva in the 50's. We have extremely cheap phone cards and can chat every day for pennies. On the other hand, there are many more negative things to be wary of.

Quote:
I feel that a boy ( and a girl for that matter) needs his parents and his home during the sensitive adolescent period.


I agree.

Quote:
It seems almost neglectful to just let someone else raise your child


Unless there are very special dorm parents, nobody is raising your child. Teaching him, maybe inspiring him, but not raising him.

Quote:
to leave his emotional development to good luck or chance


yup

Quote:
knows any families who have sent away their teenage kids


how old is your son? 7th grade is usually age 12, perhaps some turning bar mitzva at the end of 7th, so your son isn't even a teenager yet!

To try and respond to some of your questions:

You're not a prophet and so you can't know what might happen. Even if your child lives at home, you don't know what influence a classmate or teacher might have on him, but at least if he's home, you are more on top of the situation (or should be).

In the best case scenario, your child away from home will have wonderful dormmates and a well supervised dorm in which lights out are enforced and he gets a good night's sleep. He will like the food and the Shabbos arrangements will be pleasant. He will like his teachers and classmates and will learn well and make friends. His after school activities will be supervised and someone will be responsible to know where he is, at all times. There will be someone to take care of laundry and to see to it that the boys shower, keep their rooms neat, eat properly, are generally happy.

If you will send your son away, you will need to look for a school that provides the kind of supervision you approve of.

What could go wrong? Oy, do you want to know?

Worst case scenario - the school and dorm are hefker, the kids come and go as they please, go shopping, go to movies, hang out in undesirable places, take up smoking. The madrich in the dorm molests the kids or the Rebi who invites kids for Shabbos molests them. Shall I go on? Sad

A lot depends on your child's personality and your relationship with him. What does he think about going away for months at at time? Has he been to sleepaway camp - if yes, did he like it? Is he a homebody? Does he make friends readily? Does he think for himself? In the past, has he been a follower, leader, loner? If other boys in the class do something wrong, does he go along with it, protest, keep out of it? Does he talk to you? Tell you what's going on in his life? Will phone calls with him consist of:

Quote:
Hi, how's yeshiva?

okay


Quote:
How do you decide ?


maybe by making a list of the pros and cons and seeing which outweighs which (not just the number of items on the list but how significant they are)

Quote:
What do you need to watch out for ?


If your child is happy and learning well. See above for other things to check out.

When you consider certain yeshivos, make numerous phone calls to parents who send their children there and ask them lots of questions. Are the boys in the yeshiva the kind you want your son to be with, to turn out like them?

Will you be in regular phone contact with his rebbi? would it possible for your husband to make a surprise trip there to see what's going on sometime in the middle of the term? (similar to popping in on a babsitter/preschool program unexpectedly to see what's going on)

Quote:
Are the kids who are sent away from home and look okay, really okay or are they somehow negatively affected anyway ?


It's not like you can say, yes they're all okay or no, they are all negatively affected.

Life is a mixture of good and bad. Even within the same school and dorm some kids will thrive and some won't. It can be a wonderful experience or mediocre or terrible.

I know that mechanchim don't generally recommend that children go away before 10th grade and that generally speaking, yeshiva kids finish high school locally and then may go out of town or abroad for further studies.

But those who live in a place without adequate chinuch have to make other arrangements. Because if your son will be bar mitzva in about two years, he needs to do some serious learning and gain valuable learning skills.
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chavamom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2005, 1:13 pm
Yes, a lot of people send their kids away. However, there are lots of rebbeim that agree with amother. It is a different era than 50 years ago. As a friend of mine, a girl who went away to a highly respected Beis Ya'akov told me 'I saw every kind of dysfunction known to mankind in that dorm - and I was in an excellent school!'. The principal of one of the schools here was sent away at age 11 and he claims that it is only in the past few years that he has gotten over the trauma. A guy that I dated stated that after having been a dorm counselor in a highly respected yeshiva, he would NEVER send his kids to a dorm situation - too many things happen there. I'm repeting this just to show you that it is not my emotional reaction as a mother responding here.

I think amother's worries are well founded and a shaila should be asked of a gadol. I know where I live, there are quite a number of people that have been advised to move rather than send their boys away - but it depends on the situation, of course. Boys that have gone to live with family (an aunt and uncle or grandparents for example) are a different situation than a dorm.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2005, 1:37 pm
Thanks you for your responses so far. You may be surprised to hear that my son is quite young and only in preschool. However, my husband and I have to make far-reaching long term decisions in terms of investing money in our home or...moving somewhere else...buying a business here or...sticking with a chain company that may help move us if we need to move... Theoretically, we could move somewhere else, but we have other kids and my husband says that there are no places that have an excellent school for girls and excellent school for boys and great elementary education and affordable housing, etc.

Based on your responses so far, I feel like I want to say no, that I can't make a committment to stay in this city forever, regardless of my kids' future educational/emotional needs but I also feel bad b/c having to move for the chinuch of each child would really limit my husband's career opportunities and job satisfaction. He is not happy working for this chain here and would much rather buy his own place but it doesn't make sense to do that unless we are willing to stay here for a long, long time and that means agreeing to send the kids away unless the schools improve...
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2005, 3:28 pm
Quote:
The madrich in the dorm molests the kids or the Rebi who invites kids for Shabbos molests them. Shall I go on?

That exists in our frum Yeshivahs shock shock shock shock
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elisecohen




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2005, 3:31 pm
I have to be honest--I think there can be value, but my DH says he would never, ever allow his children to be sent away to school til they're around 18. OTOH, I went a way to school and wasn't ready for it (and this was in my late teens) and it was a disaster emotionally and behaviourally. Still, as I said, I am not against it in principle and think that it is true that a child, especially a boy, can learn much from a yeshiva away from parents.
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Rivka




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 12 2005, 1:59 pm
I think it depends on the child.
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stem




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 12 2005, 3:44 pm
amother, there are plenty of cities that fit that description. PM me for more info.
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