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Compliment or insult?



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amother


 

Post Mon, Apr 28 2008, 4:56 pm
My mil said to me one day on y"t that she liked what I was wearing today better than yesterday. The day before she didn't comment at all (fine by me). I smiled and said thank you, but I thought it was a bit insulting. When I mentioned it to my dh, he didn't see anything wrong with it. That's because he does the same thing, mentions the bad with the good. I might just be prejudice because it was my mil, but do you think I have a right to be a little insulted?
BTW, I think I looked terrible all y"t because I gained so much weight, but all my clothing was new because I didn't have anything else that fit me Sad .
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mandksima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 28 2008, 5:52 pm
That sounds like my MIL, she would never insult me or anything I would wear, but she would compliment something that was she liked and say something like "that is really slimming on you" or "that color looks so much better on you than what you wore yesterday."

I would be happy she said something nice but wonder and feel badly about what she thought about me yesterday and didn't say anything. I would just be happy that she said she likes what you wearing the second day better than no compliments at all or ones that she doesn't mean. She obviously doesn't want to make you feel badly so she said it in a "nicer"way than insulting the first outfit. Sometimes I can get upset by my MIL's comments but I try to get over them quickly enough so that it won't bother me for long and get me down.

She loves me unconditionally but is just really into clothes and appearances and I always feel like she's checking me out because, well, she is.
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louche




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 28 2008, 7:08 pm
It's called a back-handed compliment, IOW it's a compliment, but the person can't stand to stam give a compliment, you might get a swelled head, so they tone it down with a qualifier. You could look at it with ayin tzarah and say she's not generous enough to give a full-hearted compliment, or look at it b'ayin tovah and say she doesn't want to give you an ayin hara and therefore makes sure every compliment comes with a qualifier.

FWIW, there was a custom in Europe (not necessarily a Minhag Yisrael but more of a cultural norm in certain communities) never to compliment a child to her face, and never to compliment directly. Rather, one might say a child is "not ugly" or "not stupid"--IOW she's unusually pretty or smart.

As a general rule, there is more happiness in assuming a compliment was meant than in looking for insults that may be lurking underneath. Sure, your MIL could have said "I like what you have on today EVEN more than what you wore yesterday"--what a diff that little word "even" makes!--but why not fill it in yourself and assume that's what she meant, just didn't articulate.
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chavs




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 28 2008, 9:55 pm
I'd say its an insult.
my mil did a similar thing. I'd painted 2 pictures and hung them up. After a while I took them down and put up two photos (of our family) instead. my mil said "oh that is much nicer, I didnt like the paintings you had up" so I asked her if she knew that I'd painted them and she said yes, she knew, but she didnt like them.
I got quite upset, and dh thought that she was just complimenting on the photos and couldnt see why I was offended about the pictures b/c she didnt say she didnt like me only what I'd made.

Sorry about your mil!
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louche




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 28 2008, 10:06 pm
chavs wrote:
I'd say its an insult.
my mil did a similar thing. I'd painted 2 pictures and hung them up. After a while I took them down and put up two photos (of our family) instead. my mil said "oh that is much nicer, I didnt like the paintings you had up" so I asked her if she knew that I'd painted them and she said yes, she knew, but she didnt like them.
I got quite upset, and dh thought that she was just complimenting on the photos and couldnt see why I was offended about the pictures b/c she didnt say she didnt like me only what I'd made.

Sorry about your mil!


chavs, your mil did in fact insult you, or at least your artwork, by saying beferush she didn't like your paintings. op's mil didn't say she didn't like what op wore the first day, she just said she liked the second outfit better. it wasn't well said, but there's a world of difference between that and what your mil said to you.

you're not doing op any favors, by reinforcing her desire to find an insult where an insult may not have been intended.some people simply have an extremely infelicitous way of expressing themselves, even when they mean to be complimentary. They just don't know how to do it gracefully.

even if op's mil really did intend her remark to be insulting, of what value is it to reinforce that? are you helping op's shlom bayit? are you enhancing op's relationship with her mil? are you bolstering op's self-esteem? or are you helping op feel worse than she already does?
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 28 2008, 10:07 pm
on friday night my grandfather told me that he liked my maternity jumper. "much nicer than what you wore this afternoon" (b4 shabbos)

I thought that was totally insulting...he was insinuating that the top I had on earlier was too fitted or whatever...

besides that, I find it uncomfortable when people analyze my clothing choices altogether...

I took it in stride, but was a little weirded out.

so theres my opinion: its an insult!
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chavs




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 28 2008, 10:30 pm
louche.
I am still a bit touchy about my mil and it could be that I kind of jumped the gun a little b/c of what she said to me, so I jumped to conclusions about OPs mil.

OP, I understand why you'd be upset, and right now I am honestly not sure if it was a compliment or not. It could be she really liked the second better, and didnt dislike the other but expressed it badly.
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amother


 

Post Fri, May 02 2008, 3:35 am
you could take it to mean whatever you want, but wouldn't it be easier for you to take it as a compliment, other than feel bad about being slighted in any way?
I go to a class on middot and the teacher told us that if someone said something that you may take personally, you should say one of the following things:
1. excuse me, I didnt hear what you said?
this gives them a chance to have a moment and decide if they should not say it again.
2. what did you mean?
3. ouch, that hurt--
and confront them, I think I would use this with my mil who constantly tells me not to eat certain things on account of my big fat a$$. I would only use this with someone whom I am sure, without a shadow of doubt, has no problems with insulting me to my face. the first two, I would use if I thought the person needed a moment to think before they spoke.
try not to take things personally, there is a mitzvah of judging others favourably, even though I know this is hard. I try to tell myself that when mil tells me how awful the food was so that I know I shouldnt make it again. and yes, she once offered guests some of the disgusting cake that I made. I should never make that cake again as it is not delicious.
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louche




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 02 2008, 9:21 am
the latest issue of Fortune magazine has a feature on "the best advice I ever got" from 40 top businesspeople like Mike Bloomberg and the guy who started Google. Indra Nooyi, CEO of Pepsico, said the best advice she ever got was from her dad, who said "always assume positive intent."

She goes on to explain how assuming positive intent allows you to remain calm, not angry or defensive, so negative emotions don't cloud your reasoning and the relationship.
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Teacup9




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 4:54 am
amother wrote:
My mil said to me one day on y"t that she liked what I was wearing today better than yesterday. The day before she didn't comment at all (fine by me). I smiled and said thank you, but I thought it was a bit insulting. When I mentioned it to my dh, he didn't see anything wrong with it. That's because he does the same thing, mentions the bad with the good. I might just be prejudice because it was my mil, but do you think I have a right to be a little insulted?


backhanded compliment. To give her the benefit of the doubt maybe she was taught to put some bad in with the good so as not to tempt the evil eye?

amother wrote:
BTW, I think I looked terrible all y"t because I gained so much weight, but all my clothing was new because I didn't have anything else that fit me Sad .


Ditto Sad
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pinkbubbles




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 5:14 am
louche wrote:
the latest issue of Fortune magazine has a feature on "the best advice I ever got" from 40 top businesspeople like Mike Bloomberg and the guy who started Google. Indra Nooyi, CEO of Pepsico, said the best advice she ever got was from her dad, who said "always assume positive intent."

She goes on to explain how assuming positive intent allows you to remain calm, not angry or defensive, so negative emotions don't cloud your reasoning and the relationship.


I am learning that.. slowly.. sometimes the hard way..
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amother


 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 11:35 am
My MIL did that to me once. It was at my BIL's bar mitzva and I had gotten a new shaitel for the occasion. Because I'm so plain and simple she was worried what I would wear and how I would look. I promised her that although I'll look plain and simple she'll love the way I looked. I even guaranteed it!! I had my face done by a professional who's in the makeup business for years. I got a gorgeous plain and simple black suit and my shaitel was done beautifully, Messed just for the simcha. My husband couldn't get over me!! Anyway, as soon as I walked into the hall my MIL did a double take and was all over me about wow how gorgeous I looked, blah blah blah. Her sister came over and also complimented me. While they were discussing how gorgeous my shaitel looks my mil tells me "you know, this shaitel is much much better than your vuchen shaitel. That looks bad, this looks good". I was floored!! If you had such a problem with my shaitel TELL ME in a normal time. Not at the simcha. I just said thank you and walked away. I'm over it. My mil has a habit of doing these things. I've learned to just let it wash over me and thats that. She knows I won't change for her anyway.
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amother


 

Post Thu, May 08 2008, 11:44 am
my grandmother is always telling the simpler girl grandchildren how they need to dress up more. no one gets insulted though- we laugh about it among each other. this one heard about how her shaitel isn't right, this one needs to wear a shaitel more, I usually get told all of the above- plus I need to put on makeup at the crack of dawn, so myhusband never sees me without makeup. whatever.
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