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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
What should I do ? (disrespectful son)



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amother


 

Post Wed, Jun 04 2008, 12:28 pm
my son bosses me around and complains about everything I do?I cant take it anymore .
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costanza




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 04 2008, 12:32 pm
How old is he?

I would let him know, in no uncertain terms, that he doesn't have to like what you do. But he has no right to boss you around and he MUST respect you.

It is probably a stage he is going through. I haven't reached that stage of parenting yet, but I remember when I was a teenager, that as angry as I got with my parents, I always had a certain fear/respect for them that prevented me from mouthing off. I think it's healthy for kids to know that you are the parent - not their friend.

Of course, that doesn't mean he shouldn't feel close to you or able to come to you with any problem. But if he's getting out of control, it's time to reign him in.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jun 04 2008, 12:36 pm
he is 17
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 04 2008, 1:01 pm
tell him to pack his bags ... and get ready for his 18th birthday ... he'll see whose boss then ...
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jun 04 2008, 1:14 pm
speak to a professional that deals with kids and ask how to deal with situation. there are prob many parenting things u can do diff, and also ways to give your kid the feeling of love, yet sense of respect towards u that all kids crave.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Jun 22 2008, 5:14 pm
I'll tell you what worked for me: I use love and logic and I have a policy that when my son is chutpahdik, I don't talk to him for the rest of the day. The beginning was horrible but now he is much better as he hates when I ignore him. I was also going out of my mind and realized something must be done.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 22 2008, 5:22 pm
I'm not at that stage yet and hopefully won't ever have that problem, but when you say that he bosses you around, it sounds like you let him. Am I right? If so, you have to put a stop to it right now. You're the boss and not him.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Jun 22 2008, 6:35 pm
I would speak to a professional who knows parenting about teens. he probably wants more love and attention and validation and is too old to ask for those kinds of things. or other things are bothering him and this is his way of letting it out. it is a cry for something usually
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happymom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 22 2008, 6:36 pm
I'll tell you what worked for me: I use love and logic and I have a policy that when my son is chutpahdik, I don't talk to him for the rest of the day. The beginning was horrible but now he is much better as he hates when I ignore him. I was also going out of my mind and realized something must be done.


that may have worked but do you really want your son to learn this behavior when someone does something he doesnt like? He will prob think he should do this in his marriage (although I hope not) I dont think ignoring people is a good way to communicate a problem or deal with it.
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 22 2008, 6:37 pm
My brother once said to my mother, "You can't tell me what to do - I'm taller than you!" To which my mother promptly replied, "You may be taller, but I'm still older than you, so what I say goes." LOL
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Imaonwheels




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 22 2008, 11:29 pm
I know this is tough to hear, did he just start it? In our society it is very normal and not something that needs professional intervention. Don't negotiate or get into screaming or returning sarcastic comments. Don't beg or give in because of chutzpa.

Calmly and firmly state what you want to say and as said before do not keep talking. Let him know you will talk to him when he is willing to talk calmly and with respect. Also let him no that there are limits to what you will tolerate in this house.

As to carrying this over to marriage. Remember this is a child trying to control or is himself out of control. This prevents communication in any relationship. Talking is not what's important, communication is.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 23 2008, 7:31 am
In every day life: do what you have to do, ignore his complaints, but keep the conversation open
When you have time: settle and discuss with him. Chances are it's absolutely not against you, but anxiety, or social problem... that makes him act that way.

Do NOT throw him out unless you have tried everything else. He may stop annoying you, but will search for other forms of authority to defy (police, etc). CV. If he wants out and shows he is responsible enough, that's plenty different.
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Pizza




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 23 2008, 8:08 am
My son (now 16) does the same type of thing

I usually tell him (angrily) that hes being chutzpadik, and I wont discuss the issue until he can speak to me properly. Usually doesnt work, he just blows me off.

When he complains about something in particular, I.e. the way I do his laundry, then I dont do his laundry for a week. He can do it. He gets the message.

I also try (on a good day) to figure out what else is bothering him. I.e. if he said something stupid and is embarrassed to admit hes wrong, then he'll spend the rest of the evening discrediting the person who was right, or blowing everyone else off. At least if I understand where the impossibly obnoxious behavior stems from, its a bit easier to deal with.

Also sometimes my husband steps in and tells him to watch his mouth. Usually dh isnt home when ds is and vice versa. I also tend to have issues with this ds, so I have learned to not get sucked into his vortex of emotion, but to ignore and divert.

Davenning also helps (a lot)

Good luck.
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Tamiri




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 23 2008, 8:13 am
Is it boys? I have one who has outgrown it and one who is there and one who is trying to see how far he can get. How can that be, where did it come from? Nice boys from good homes bossing their parents around - how did that happen?
In any event, our job as parents is to remember that we are not their friends, and that a measure of respect must be maintained so that our homes continue to function the way they are supposed to. It's very very hard but I hope, if my own #1 is any indication, that years of chinuch pay off.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jun 23 2008, 8:17 am
I think its the way we treat them and speak to them from when they are born if there are things about it that bother them it comes out when they are a teen. like if u scream at your kids, when they are a teen, they will yell at you. it even says something like this in the torah... u cant hit a teen cuz they might hit you back. its like putting a stumbling block in front of them to treat them no nice and them want them to treat u with respect. of course they have to but they dont always know what that means. kids learn by example.
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Tamiri




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 23 2008, 8:20 am
amother wrote:
I think its the way we treat them and speak to them from when they are born if there are things about it that bother them it comes out when they are a teen. like if u scream at your kids, when they are a teen, they will yell at you. it even says something like this in the torah... u cant hit a teen cuz they might hit you back. its like putting a stumbling block in front of them to treat them no nice and them want them to treat u with respect. of course they have to but they dont always know what that means. kids learn by example.


Then how would you explain kids coming out differently, from the same family? Not every kid who gets screamed at turns out "bad" and not every kid who is brought up gently comes out "good".
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