"I hate you" and "your stupid/dumb" by m

Mitzvahmom

Mon, Aug 04 2008, 12:56 am

I went on vacation with my new husband...

When I came back my almost 6 year old was stating "your ruining my life (to his brother)"

And calling me a Stupid mommy, and telling he he hates me...

what can I do?? any suggestions?? I have tried talking to him....but he screams he hates me etc.

typically it's when I am telling him not to do something that is not safe. Asking him not to overreact etc...

thanks for advice...

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Aug 04 2008, 1:03 am

it sounds transitional. If he's not in the act of cv"s hurting someone or breaking something (physically), then let him express himself, show empathy, and let it pass. If his behavior was still inappopriate discuss it later.

If he must be stopped mid-tantrum bc the behavior is immediately unacceptable and intolerable, try to do so while still expressing that you understand he feels very X or Y.

Regarding callig you stupid mommy...yeah, to this I'd stop him in his tracks bc it's chutzpah. Again, not disparaging his feelings but making it clear that certain behaviors are not allowed...(call names, etc.)

It's probably a big change and a lot of hugs will help this go by smoother, even when he's not being so huggable....

ChossidMom

Mon, Aug 04 2008, 1:39 am

Oh, it sounds like the poor little guy is having trouble adjusting. And he must have missed you so much!
Do you hug him and tell him that you know how he must have missed you or it must be so hard being in a new place etc. etc. etc.? You probably have to give alot of warmth but also set the boundaries big time. We do NOT call Mommy names.
Good luck M.M. What a challenge, combining families!

Tamiri

Mon, Aug 04 2008, 2:07 am

I think it's a good thing that he's verbalizing. You know there is a problem, which makes it easier to work with. Remember that how well you handle his anger now (and I am sure you will do the best) will reflect back for many years to come.

Mitzvahmom

Mon, Aug 04 2008, 3:10 am

oh I hugged my kids sooo much when I saw them again..

I know it's probably related to so many changes... B"H he loves his new brother, and we visited him today and they walked arm in arm as he showed him the camp..

thanks for the advice guys Smile

btw my new dh thinks this site is a great thing.. Smile

amother

Mon, Aug 04 2008, 1:13 pm

just imajine how they feel. just tell him u understand and it must be so hard. I would ask for ways from him that can help make his life easier. no child wants to feel they arent the most important thing in thier parents life (im saying when someoine else comes in)

happymom

Mon, Aug 04 2008, 1:15 pm

have you read the book how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk? I think it can help so much.

I know u are trying to help him, but telling a child not to overeact can be very hurtful because we all want our feelings validated and we dont want ppl telling us how to feel. the right thing to do yes but the emotion to feel needs to be validated.

greenfire

Mon, Aug 04 2008, 1:18 pm

kids get stressed by new changes and act out ... at least he is not bottling it up ... keep talking it out with the kids and make sure they know you are still there "just with a new husband" this is what they wanted ... it takes time ...

Twizzlers

Mon, Aug 04 2008, 1:41 pm

I agree with all the posters that said that his feelings need to be validated.
come on, in his mind you DID do something stupid. you included someone else into the family and now your children have to share you. maybe try to get him to elaborate more on what exactly he thinks is "stupid" and explain how having your new husband in the family is really beneficial to everyone. (I'm sure you've done this before, but he probably needs to hear it some more)
I think after that, you can go on with the "not using bad language" speech, but discuss it with him first. I dont believe kids use terms for no reason at all.

DenaP

Thu, Aug 07 2008, 12:41 pm

Whenever we go through a transition, we regress in some way. For 6 year old kids, it may be that he acts like he's 3 or 4 when things get stressful. Adult regression is more likely to be to eat comfort foods, or wear the same clothes several days in a row, or start an unnecessary argument.

Keep in mind that he'll behave in a certain way more often if he's getting attention for it. so if he can see he's getting you upset with the negative language, he'll keep using it. So by controlling your own reaction, it can help him control his own.

FWIW, I have a friend (a great mom) whose son tells her he loves her by saying, "You're not a stupid mommy."

Stay calm, be patient, and remember to enjoy the other aspects of your new life while waiting for this one to rebalance.