Unconditional love

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Unconditional love

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

wowee

Fri, Aug 22 2008, 2:30 pm

Unconditional acceptance:

Last edited by wowee on Mon, Jan 18 2010, 8:13 am; edited 1 time in total

yo'ma

Fri, Aug 22 2008, 2:34 pm

I don't know anything about teens, but I think that you love them unconditionally. Yes, he has to leave the house until he learns how to calm down, but you still love him. If he doesn't leave the house, don't you still love him? Love and like are 2 totally different words. You don't like what he is doing, but you still love him.

Imaonwheels

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 12:51 am

You need to accept him. You do NOT have to accept bad behavior. That isn't fair to them. Of course, as hard as it is you can't explode back. You have to calmly and firmly insist on your rules but formulate them wisely. Its an art.

zufriedene

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 2:16 am

NEVER , NEVER, EVER, TELL A TEEN TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. Yes, I shouted that one, love is unconditional
even if right now he's driving u bananas.
U set the rules in your house, thats why u dont send him out, U find the solution in the boundariies of youre house, bedroom, playroom, wash room even your room but NEVER out of the house.
DO u know where he's going to, and for how long ??
never take a chance!!
Children need our love when they deserve it the least, that's our tafkid, to be there for them' and dont worry about 10 other siblings going off the derech because of him,
think of the 10 other siblings learning unconditional love because of him.
Believe me I've been there, and have BH been granted chasdeei shamayim. Things will work out, Dont give up, and dont for one minute convey a message of despair.

Imaonwheels

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 11:52 am

She is SO right. My Dad was really mad and told me to get out when I was 16. I threw everything in the car and left. I moved in with a friend in an awful neighborhood. After a week he found me and came to tell me he wanted me home and I refused. I was very hurt being thrown out of my own house. That was the last time I lived with my parents.

greenfire

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 12:40 pm

I agree with not throwing out of the house ... but I wonder if saying go kool off is the same ... unconditional means that no matter what they do you are still there to love them and guide them even if they are not receptive ... you will always be the mom they will always be the child ... through thick & thin - come hell or high water ... they will know you are there for them ... believe it or not it gives them a certain sense of security underneath it all ...

yes it's hard when we wanna just scream ...

pacifier

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 2:01 pm

there must be basic rules in the house. but unconditional love doesn't mean keeping in the house someone who doesn't behave at all. insist on basic respect toward parents and sibling, no transgressing basic halacha/shabat/cashrut in front of you. This way the teen always know he can change, get better..... and that he's worth something.

grin

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 2:19 pm

my teens somehow don't explode (I do embarrassed

) but I do have a deal with my pre-teen that he go outside for 10-15 minutes to cool off.

amother

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 2:53 pm

What exactly is unconditional love? I'm not being sarcastic. I want to understand. Is it like the mother of the serial killer who says he's such a good boy except for this incident? I am not in agreement with some choices one of my kids is making. She is full of her need to be understood and accepted. I love her dearly and admire her capabilities but I do not endorse the direction she is going in. When I tell her I love her but don't agree with her choices she doesn't accept it because as far as she is concerned she IS her choices so I have to love the package or else I only love her 'good' side and don't accept the real her. Any insights to share from your experiences?

greenfire

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 2:58 pm

you can't be in denial of a serial killer ... but you love them for the mere fact that you bore them into this world ... without condition ... without expectations ... of course you keep yourself at a safe distance from the serial killer and don't buy any ammunition Shooting Arrow

... but you can still love them but not what they do or say ... just their existence ... your hopes and dreams for them to change ... as we all still want the best for our kids - whether they are physically challenged or mentally challenged or otherwise bloody challenged ... Twisted Evil

Last edited by greenfire on Sun, Aug 24 2008, 3:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

zufriedene

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 3:11 pm

out of love for the serial killer u put him in jail where he will learn hopefully new behavioral patterns after he served what he was sentenced.
Pure love doesnt mean bailing him out, or paying his parking tickets.
pure love means accepteing him, and setting the rules here in the house, no jokes, very set and firm boundaries.
Of course it calls for tons of love and tfilos, and some times for this particular child u have to change the rules , but not halacha, shabas and kashrut and tznius.
changing rules might mean paying for a drivers license at 18, so he doesnt drive without one. u're other bucharim didnt drive till they got married.
For a girl, she might change the dress code, so long as in general its tznius, but maybe not so chasidish
according to the other siblings. JUst NEVER LET GO!!
dO KEEP SHARING AND GET THE LOVE U NEED TO CONVEY TO THOSE MIXED UP ADOLESCENTS!!!

freidasima

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 3:21 pm

If I might add to what zufriedene wrote, one of the issues is to define our own red lines and boundaries. When dealing with teenagers we have to be very very flexible and only really zero in on the big issues, even though we know that all the little issues are part of the big ones. Choose your battles wisely. You don't have strength for all of them.

A person may be the sum total of his or her behavior but as parents we have to differentiate constantly and verbally to our children about the difference between their "essence" and their "actions". We may despise their actions, and tell them so, but they are their essence, their neshomo, not just the sum total of their actions. Thus when their actions may get us very upset, enough to want to throw them out, we want to throw out the person doing the actions, but not that child of ours who holds in him or her that neshomo. Once we get that clear in our own minds, then we can deal with it.

There is a tremendous difference between physically dangerous behavior and spiritually dangerous behavior. One can innoculate other children in the household against spiritually dangerous behavior and get them to understand, and keep them on the derekh, but in the case of a child who is physically dangerous to him/her self and his/her surroundings, then it is time for professional intervention and at times even temporary - and I stress - temporary - removal of such a child to surroundings which can help them. There is a tremendous difference between that and "throwing a kid out" of the house.

There is also a difference between a fourteen, year old, a seventeen year old and a child of close to 20. In the latter case at times it is best if the child leaves for a while...there is a reason that some parents breathe a sigh of relief when a kid goes off to college in America at 18 and dorms or that kids go off to sleep at yeshiva...sometimes the distance helps...but it should not be done in anger and of course it depends on the child at hand...

choose your battles wisely and keep telling your child that they are their essence and not just the sum total of their actions.

amother

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 3:28 pm

I was using the example of the serial killer as an extreme.
I am talking about standards that involve halachic issues. We all know that you can have rabbinical endorsement for just about anything these days unfortunately. Who says my "old fashioned standards from europe" are the only valid standards? What happens when the lifestyle changes include different tznius, shabbos, male/female relationships.etc. What's unconditional love in these circumstances? I love you with all my heart but I do not respect what you're choosing to do is heard as I can't possibly love her because this is who she is. Now what?

greenfire

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 3:53 pm

you can love someone without liking them ...

and we merely went along with your serial killer line ... while it's extreme BOO it can happen ya know they got mothers too ...

zufriedene

Sun, Aug 24 2008, 4:02 pm

pls do go for therapy, u deffinetly have to be on the same front with dh.
Somtimes moving out is the solution, ( as in wanting relations before being married)
Theres a difference between ,moving out to a place where u'r conduct isnt my theory, but when ever u come here its with respect to the rules and regulations, and throwing a child out.
therapy will enable to contain the acting out, and realize how much pain u'r child is suffering,
he might not be respecting u, but he's still in pain!!
Always remember, he's at least 20 years younger than u, frightened to lose u, and is most probably reacting to feeling abandoned, even if you're convinced u gave him every thing his heart ever desired.
Remember to tell him every day, I LOVE U !!!

Imaonwheels

Mon, Aug 25 2008, 1:59 am

We have the told them that while they may choose to disobey us behind our backs we will not approve or condone the behavior. As to in the house they may not do anything that changes the atmosphere of the home that we all have to live in together. That means that type of music, dress, speech , etc stay outside but you are always welcome.

Motek

Tue, Aug 26 2008, 11:35 am

amother wrote:

I am talking about standards that involve halachic issues. We all know that you can have rabbinical endorsement for just about anything these days unfortunately. Who says my "old fashioned standards from europe" are the only valid standards? What happens when the lifestyle changes include different tznius, shabbos, male/female relationships.etc. What's unconditional love in these circumstances? I love you with all my heart but I do not respect what you're choosing to do is heard as I can't possibly love her because this is who she is. Now what?

Instead of it being your standards against hers, how about a third party, a rabbi, to whom these issues are presented to, and what he says goes?

Page 1 of 1