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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Shiva House



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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 24 2008, 11:46 am
I just found out that my neighbor is sitting shiva for his mom.... What can I do for them?

My first time living in a HUGE community, not quite sure of Etiquette.. My DH went to the minyan..
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su7kids




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 24 2008, 11:49 am
find out of anyone is arranging meals for them.

Go over and pay a shiva visit. You don't have to talk, just be there.
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 24 2008, 11:55 am
Find out if someone is coordinating meals for the aveilim, then offer to take care of a meal. If the meals are already assigned, maybe bring over a fruit platter.

If your neighbor has kids, you could offer to watch them for a while or take them to the park or something.

Usually, the aveilim really need additonal help after shiva is over. During the week of shiva they get lots of offers, but that tends to stop when they get up from sitting shiva. Maybe invite them for a meal the following Shabbos or send over a kugel or something.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 24 2008, 12:46 pm
go be menachem avel ...
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 24 2008, 3:06 pm
su7kids wrote:
find out of anyone is arranging meals for them.

Go over and pay a shiva visit. You don't have to talk, just be there.


Yes, yes and yes. Also, as someone mentioned, check in *after* shiva is over. The hardest day is the one on which you get up from shiva. I was grateful to the people who dropped by then, and who touched base over the next days and weeks.
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ChavieK




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 24 2008, 3:45 pm
Most people have someone "in charge" of the house. Ask that person. They may need refills on cetain things, like juice, milk, tissues..
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 24 2008, 6:04 pm
You say the neighbor is a man. Presumably his wife & other female members who are not sitting are taking care of meals. It may just be enough to be Menachem Avel.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 24 2008, 6:08 pm
what if the neighbor is a bit odd?

Has a tendency to hit on me when he sees me?? should I just send dh?
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 24 2008, 6:23 pm
Don't go!
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ChavieK




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 25 2008, 10:32 pm
If you can, go with dh otherwise don't go. But you can still send something in just have dh ask for you. Also even if there is a wife the house is very busy. My sis-in-laws & I very much appreciated all the help we got when dhs were sitting shiva.
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 26 2008, 8:16 am
I strongly disagree with Chaviek. If the Avel is a "pig" you should keep away! He HITS on you?? And you would even think of going? That's tacitly telling him it's OK to behave like that. And don't you think you should tell your DH?

Obviously, there are other issues going on here, but we can only address what we know. And it's moot now, isn't it? He must've got up by now. But you may want to reconsider any future dealings with this creep.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 26 2008, 11:24 am
my DH knows, I told him to ask the wife if there is anything I can do. My DH goes to minyan for him, because he said it's the menchlich thing to do.

The entire neighborhood knows this man has issues, he's alienated everyone. His wife and kids are so sweet and normal.
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mom21n2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 26 2008, 12:04 pm
Sounds like your question is not really what is the etiquette for a shiva house. BTW, what is the etiquette for a shiva house? I always feel like I am doing/saying the wrong thing. The last thing I want to do is annoy people who are in mourning.
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 26 2008, 12:09 pm
You sit there & wait until the Aveilim speak to you first (why, I don't know). If they don't, you wait a decent time (15 mins?) get up, say the Posuk, & leave.

That's it.

It's not a place for gossip or stupid conversation...I have heard some things that are outrageous! Oh, & turn off cell phones!
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mom21n2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 26 2008, 12:31 pm
Thanks Bubby. And I've heard people saying different things. (Usually in Israel it's different also.) What exactly am I supposed to say?
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 26 2008, 12:46 pm
Apart from the Posuk? Things about the Nifter/Nifteress, or if you didn't know him/her, it's nice to ask about him/her. Also it's always nice to say things like he/she left a fine name/family/ chosheve Yerusha (meaning frum children & grandchildren, not $$ Wink)

When I was sitting Shiva a woman came (didn't know her) & started blithering on about her recent trip to Italy & those pesky mosquitoes. Like I cared???

But when people told me stories about the Gemillas Chassidim my father had done, that was beautiful. And of course, I knew many of them too. Don't get me started now! Crying
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 26 2008, 1:13 pm
bubby wrote:
You sit there & wait until the Aveilim speak to you first (why, I don't know).

Because an Avel is not allowed to greet people.
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Ilovechoumous




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 28 2008, 1:07 pm
you should find out, even ask the wife, if there is someone looking after organizing all the meals, etc. if you have the time and energy for this task, its a really amazing thing to do. also, we had another neighbour who made sure that we had enough paper goods, coffee, tea, etc. for the whole week. at the time, I dont think any of us thought about that.
if the man is creepy, only go with your husband together, just even for a few minutes, I think its enough. dont go without your husband.
good luck.
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