Would you bring a child to a shiva call?

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

jba

Fri, May 16 2008, 7:46 am

DD's babysitter is sitting shiva. We are very close with her and I think she would like to see DD. It's not an issue of my child - she's too young to understand. Is it appropriate to bring a child? I know there will possibly be other young kids (grandchildren etc.) - but should I bring her?

happyone

Fri, May 16 2008, 7:57 am

Inappropriate!
As much as she may like your child, this is not the time.

jba

Fri, May 16 2008, 8:12 am

happyone- dd is with her every day. she treats her like a grandaughter. Would you bring a granddaughter to see her grandparent at a shiva call?

NotInNJMommy

Fri, May 16 2008, 9:24 am

when dh's grandfather passed away, teh entire family in aveilus davka wanted our ds (18mos) to be there.

Who else will be sitting (in aveilus) with the babysitter?

happyone

Fri, May 16 2008, 9:31 am

Honestly, I wouldn't bring my baby to a grandmother. When I sat shiva it was quite annoying when kvetchy babies arrived. Shiva houses are busy for the most part and carriages, infant carriers etc.. weren't appreciated. My mom wasn't really interested in her cutest grandchildren at that point...
I for one didn't really mind, but everyone else sitting shiva was appalled that people even thought about bringing babies.

Mrs. XYZ

Fri, May 16 2008, 9:47 am

Here's another thread on this topic:

http://imamother.com/forum/vie.....46471

Sara Y

Sun, May 25 2008, 12:12 am

I do not think its appropriate for infants to go. children to be menachum avel other children - absolutely. say ages 10 or so and up. depending on the child obviously.

greenfire

Sun, May 25 2008, 4:41 am

depends on the connection and closeness of the baby to the person/family sitting shiva ...

also keeping in mind the temperment of the kid(s)

Coffee3

Mon, Sep 29 2008, 8:00 am

I have brought my children who sat quietly.
The people were very appreciative..
The last time we went to an old woman, the children looked at her pictures. It was a very enjoyable visit and I'm sure the kids cheered her up.

Crayon210

Mon, Sep 29 2008, 8:02 am

It's not appropriate to give kids an enjoyable visit in someone's shiva house.

And the point of shiva is not to cheer the aveilim up. Aderaba.

Mama Bear

Mon, Sep 29 2008, 8:32 am

I have taken a behaving toddler numerous times to shiva calls; I dont have access to babysitters at any random time of day and I had to go to the shiva. In the evening I can get dh to babysit so sometimes I'd wait for evening, butsometimes that wasnt possible. THe avelim actually enjoyed the distraction. Especially when it was my own family (aunts).

skymile

Mon, Sep 29 2008, 9:04 am

how old is ur b-sitter? is she like a teen or like a bubby? when I was sitting at the age of 15 I would not have liked to see my "clients". when it comes to death, children tend to ask too many complicated questions, especially if they are invited to ask. (by taking them along, its like open convo). I would not have been able to answer properly (I think), but had I been a lot older (I wish... Crying

) I might have been able to be more patient and careful.

zipporah

Thu, Oct 02 2008, 11:09 am

I had a friend who husband passed away unexpectedly. We both had 2 year olds about 2 months apart. We took our daughter over so that her daughter wouldn't feel too neglected. We took them out in the backyard to run around. But I probably wouldn't bring kids to a non-family member adult's house with no other kids there.

JRKmommy

Thu, Oct 02 2008, 4:24 pm

It depends on the child, the relationship to the mourners, and the potential feelings of the other mourners.

When my bubbe passed away, all of the great-grandchildren came to the shiva. My father and aunt wanted it that way, and I believe that it is absolutely what my bubbe would have wanted.

I seriously considered taking my dd#1, who was almost 8 at the time, to a shiva for a toddler who was the sister of one of her best friends, but ultimately was not able to do so. In hindsight, that was for the best, as the shiva was out of town and it was very intense emotionally for everyone, and being alone allowed me to fully be their for my friend when she literally needed a shoulder to cry on.

Dd#1 did go the shiva of a family friend, where the daughter had been her teacher last year. She was very close with this teacher, my dd is very quiet and well-behaved, and the teacher was very happy to see her there.

I have left small children at home when going to a shiva of someone that I didn't know as well, where children making noise or running around would have been a disruption and not appreciated.

mimivan

Thu, Oct 02 2008, 4:31 pm

Crayon210 wrote:

It's not appropriate to give kids an enjoyable visit in someone's shiva house.

And the point of shiva is not to cheer the aveilim up. Aderaba.

Yes. I think its in the S.A.
When my FIL there wasn't really anyone else to cook and clean from the aveilim on a regular basis, so I had to be there with my kids (I asked a Rav..he said since my role was necessary, I had no choice). It really would have been better to have made other arrangements. Children do not belong with those sitting shiva...not only for the reasons Crayon gave, but children can make others nervous, especially those in mourning.

ShakleeMom

Thu, Oct 02 2008, 5:07 pm

I would never. I took my two oldest when we went to my grandmother after zeidy passed away. They are still traumatized. No reason.

Reminder to everyone, paying a shiva visit, no matter how close you are and no matter how heartbroken you are… it is not your job to help the grieving person pass time! You will have a huge mitzvah if you walk in, say the pasuk, and WALK OUT. Can you handle that?

Crayon210

Thu, Oct 02 2008, 5:08 pm

I don't think a lot of aveilim would appreciate people dropping in, saying one line, and leaving. Confused

ShakleeMom

Thu, Oct 02 2008, 5:10 pm

Crayon210 wrote:

I don't think a lot of aveilim would appreciate people dropping in, saying one line, and leaving. Confused

I’m quoting my relative who was seriously disturbed by all the well meaning individuals who thought it was their duty to sit there and console, when all they wanted was to grieve alone. They are eternally grateful to those who showed their face and left.

Page 1 of 1