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Taking away bedroom door as punishment
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 7:40 pm
I threatened 12 year old DS with losing EVERYTHING in his room except for the bed, blankets, pillow, & 1 change of clothes...INCLUDING the door, a la Dr. Laura:roll: That was because I got daily not-Nachas calls from the Rosh Yeshiva.

I meant it & he knew it. It worked like a dream! You should see him now @ 18!! Thumbs Up

But taking off a door for slamming it...I guess Mom is REALLY desperate Rolling Eyes Who am I to judge?
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hadasa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 8:31 pm
It might help to prevent future slamming ...... I really don't see it helping to overcome jealousy, though. Quite the opposite.

Last edited by hadasa on Mon, Oct 20 2008, 3:20 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother


 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 1:23 am
Has anyone missed the part that this girl is living in a house with non relative males around? Wouldnt that be enough of a halachic reason to keep the door on, forget anything else?
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amother


 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 1:45 am
bubby wrote:
I threatened 12 year old DS with losing EVERYTHING in his room except for the bed, blankets, pillow, & 1 change of clothes...INCLUDING the door, a la Dr. Laura:roll: That was because I got daily not-Nachas calls from the Rosh Yeshiva.

I meant it & he knew it. It worked like a dream! You should see him now @ 18!! Thumbs Up


Bubby, I am dealing with an extremely challenging 12-year-old boy. He is like two children - one wonderful, the other a terror. When he's angry or frustrated, he explodes and makes everyone miserable. He shouts very rude and insulting things, tells me he hates me, etc. But when he is in a fine mood, he is loving and sweet and I feel that's the REAL him and the explosive part is his out-of-control self that he struggles to contain.

Your post about your now-18-year-old gives me hope!!! Was your son anything like I've described mine when he was younger? What did you do (just threaten about his belongings?) that you feel really helped??
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cl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 4:41 am
aren't most teenagers a bit like what u described, one minute loving, mature, helpful etc an the next a hysterical, screaming, emotional terror? or was that just me?
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freidasima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 4:59 am
The problem isn't that they are like that as teens. That's normal.
The problem begins when some of them continue that behavior as young adults and even older.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 8:08 am
Clarissa wrote:
There are other ways to punish a child than to take away their one means of achieving privacy, The notion that one can't lie on the bed and think without someone coming by and observing is just wrong, in my opinion. That also leaves no option of escaping from annoying siblings. Is that really the only privilege that can be taken away from a misbehaving child -- his or her sense of privacy? Seems totally extreme.

Many kids (most around here) share their bedroom. It's not a big deal. I can see how it'd be nice to have a completely private room in the house, but for many that's just not realistic. IMO calling it "totally extreme" or "just wrong" is very much an overreaction, and not very sensitive to those with several kids who can't afford the luxury of private bedrooms for all. (And I know you're talking about punishment, but your words could apply also to those who just never have their own room for whatever reason).
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 8:17 am
amother wrote:
Has anyone missed the part that this girl is living in a house with non relative males around? Wouldnt that be enough of a halachic reason to keep the door on, forget anything else?

That's the only real problem I could see with the punishment, but maybe it's not an issue due to the setup of the home in that specific situation.

I can see how having the door removed would be upsetting, but IMO having a private bedroom is a privilege, not a right, at least until they're the one paying for the place. It's a privilege that it's usually best to give teens when possible (IMO), but it's certainly not something parents owe. I think parents should think carefully before removing a bedroom door, and personally I think I'd reserve a punishment like that for more extreme cases, but it's not abusive or cruel. And it is a natural outcome of the "crime," IMO--slamming the door is abusing the door, which means losing it.
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 8:22 am
I live in an apartment. My kids share a room. They still have privacy, as much as possible. And if I'm hanging out with my toddler and my older child needs some privacy, he knows he can go into his room and close the door. He also can close the door when he's dressing or undressing, or go in there when he just needs to think, or stew when he's angry. Ironically, he never seems to want to be in there and is always invading my privacy, but that's a story for another day.

Yes, I think it's terrible. Sorry, but I think having a semblance of privacy, even if only occasionally (because of your home situation) is very important. How can you teach modesty when there isn't even a hint of having a real private space? How can you help a child who is already sharing his life with family members get a sense that, once in a while, it's okay to go off and just be, if circumstances allow?

My apartment has almost no privacy, because of the layout. Sometimes it drives me crazy, because my space isn't very private and I have to ask people to stay out. That said, I certainly want my children to grow up feeling like I respect their right to privacy as much as possible, whether it's privacy for various states of undress or privacy to be alone with their thoughts, even if another kid may intrude.

Considering all of the modesty posts, I'm astounded that this is a group where door removal would be considered acceptable. Even with siblings around, they may want to close the door and talk, giggle or play without adult eyes.

I stand by my opinion. Extreme and wrong.

One more thing -- slamming the door is a good enough excuse for door removal? What do you do if a kid doesn't slam the door but stomps off angrily to his room? Take away the room altogether and make him/her sleep in the living room? Talk about overreaction. When my kid slams his door we punish him, but not by taking away his space.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 8:41 am
Speaking of slamming doors. When I was a teenager, I stayed by my grandparents one summer. I got really upset with my grandfather that I stomped into my room and tried to slam the door. The door wouldn't slam Mad !! It was a hollow door and the window was open, so there was too much air. I don't remember if I thought it was funny at the time, but looking back now, I think it's hysterical LOL .
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 9:05 am
Clarissa wrote:
What do you do if a kid doesn't slam the door but stomps off angrily to his room? Take away the room altogether and make him/her sleep in the living room? Talk about overreaction. When my kid slams his door we punish him, but not by taking away his space.


Take away their shoes, I say! Take away those darn shoes!
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Seraph




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 9:17 am
Clarissa wrote:
I live in an apartment. My kids share a room. They still have privacy, as much as possible. And if I'm hanging out with my toddler and my older child needs some privacy, he knows he can go into his room and close the door. He also can close the door when he's dressing or undressing, or go in there when he just needs to think, or stew when he's angry. Ironically, he never seems to want to be in there and is always invading my privacy, but that's a story for another day.

Yes, I think it's terrible. Sorry, but I think having a semblance of privacy, even if only occasionally (because of your home situation) is very important. How can you teach modesty when there isn't even a hint of having a real private space? How can you help a child who is already sharing his life with family members get a sense that, once in a while, it's okay to go off and just be, if circumstances allow?

My apartment has almost no privacy, because of the layout. Sometimes it drives me crazy, because my space isn't very private and I have to ask people to stay out. That said, I certainly want my children to grow up feeling like I respect their right to privacy as much as possible, whether it's privacy for various states of undress or privacy to be alone with their thoughts, even if another kid may intrude.

Considering all of the modesty posts, I'm astounded that this is a group where door removal would be considered acceptable. Even with siblings around, they may want to close the door and talk, giggle or play without adult eyes.

I stand by my opinion. Extreme and wrong.

One more thing -- slamming the door is a good enough excuse for door removal? What do you do if a kid doesn't slam the door but stomps off angrily to his room? Take away the room altogether and make him/her sleep in the living room? Talk about overreaction. When my kid slams his door we punish him, but not by taking away his space.
Clarissa, I have to say I totally agree with you. I asked my husband what he thought of such a punishment, and he also said he thinks its very wrong. Kids need their privacy. Even if they dont have their own room (they dont care about privacy from siblings as much as they do from their parents), they need privacy from there parents, at least at times of the day. Definitely not all the time. But the ability to have privacy is very important, at least in mine and my husbands' opinion. Taking away doors shows a lack of respect for people's boundaries.
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HindaRochel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 20 2008, 9:24 am
How many times did the child slam the door? What was done first? Was this a case of the child slammed the door and immediately lost their door? Or is this a child who continually slamming the door and other punishments didn't work?

It could be extreme, or it could fit the crime.
As far as privacy goes; the child can go into the bathroom to change, and a curtain can be hung instead. A couple of nails or a tension rod, and you have privacy, but not a thing to slam.
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Aidelmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2008, 8:23 pm
I think its horrible. (not you shosh - the original story) It different than sharing a room. Privacy is part of our humanity- its basic.
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