Friend babysitting

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Friend babysitting

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MrsLeo

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 1:35 pm

I have been friends with my friend since 2nd grade. We've had our ups and downs but we always made up. Right before I got married (2 yrs ago) we got in a fight and we never really made up since then. Recently she contacted me again and since she works close to me she suggested babysitting for me. Every so often I ask her to babysit for me when I have a doctor's appointment or when I go out with dh.
The thing is, she never asked me to pay her and so I never did cuz she's my friend and its weird.
Should I pay her? Am I using her? Or maybe she's only helping me out so that we can be friends again?

HAPPYMOMMY

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 1:47 pm

Do you reciprocate? Is it like you help me and I'll help you?

Personally I would always pay someone for babysitting my child whether it's a good friend or not. I don't like the feeling of "owing" somoene else. Unless I offered and she specifically declined I would anyways buy her a gift of some sort after a while. In your case I would ask her up front saying how it's a big help that she babysits for me and I feel like showing appreciation. BTW does she babysit anyone else's children? Does she have a diff job?

MrsLeo

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 1:59 pm

HAPPYMOMMY wrote:

She is single and I dont think she babysits anyone else's kids. She has a regular job and she's in college, she babysits for me when she doesnt have work and at night after college. When she babysits by me, she uses my laptop and watches videos that I have on my laptop which she enjoys and I also help her with things, I helped her buy a laptop just recently. So its not like its a one way relationship.

Fabulous

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 2:04 pm

By helped her buy, do you mean money wise? It would be funny to pay her but a nice gift every once in a while is a nice touch.

HAPPYMOMMY

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 2:05 pm

Oh, I automatically assumed she's a married friend.

How often does she babysit? Once a week...?

MrsLeo

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 2:57 pm

I helped her choose the right computer because I know more about computers than her and I found her a good deal. She babysits about once every 2 weeks, whenever I need to get out and cant find anyone else.
Maybe I'll just buy her a nice chanukah present.

de_goldy

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 3:10 pm

I would definitely pay and if I was the friend I would expect to be paid, even if I was watching dvd's on your laptop, its still a favor, stuck in someone else's house, time that you are unable to use for what you need etc.

and I do not see how advising her as to which laptop to buy can in any way be considered payment for this.

MrsLeo

Mon, Nov 03 2008, 10:31 pm

I gave her $40 today for babysitting while I went to the dentist and she didnt want it, she only took $20 to cover the cost of the car service to and from my house.

HAPPYMOMMY

Mon, Nov 03 2008, 10:55 pm

That was nice. I would cont offering money the next time she babysits. If she keeps on refusing I would buy her a gift like chanuka time or some other occasion.

GAMZu

Mon, Nov 03 2008, 11:32 pm

I once had to leave my son at a friend's house. We were friends from seminary, got married right after and had kids right away. We weren't super close, but still kept up since sem.
So my kid was 4 months old and hers was 2 months. I had to go with DH to take care of some govt. issues and dropped him off at her house. I felt awkward offering money because I knew she'd decline it. So I bought her a "new baby" gift so that's how I solved the issue.

mummiedearest

Mon, Nov 03 2008, 11:38 pm

when I have a friend babysit I pay. if she refuses I tell her that she's welcome to give it all to tzedaka and I would understand if she did, but if she hadn't babysat I would have paid this money to someone younger and less experienced than her and I'd feel bad not paying her. I don't know if she gives it to tzedaka, but that's her business.

amother

Tue, Nov 04 2008, 5:14 pm

I think you should offer to pay her. Try a few times. I wouldn't assume anyone who is watching my kid is doing it for free unless

1) It is a dear friend for whom I babysit as well. You help me today and I'll help you tomorrow. It doesn't balance every month, but it does over time. Smile

2) It has been made crystal clear, in advanced, that the friend is doing a chesed for you. My life turned completely upside down last year when I discovered that my (now ex) was involved in criminal activity, chilul shabbos, adultery ... When the school year started again, I needed to arrange after school care for my daughter but was not at all able to pay for it. I spoke with some of the other mothers in my daughters class and 5 agreed to take one day a week. Several others agreed to serve as back up. I am so, so, so grateful. They knew in advance that I wouldn't be able to pay them. It feels horrible to be on the receiving end of chessed, but I am.

I do try to show my hakaros hatov. It doesn't come close to "paying" for their help, but I want them to know I am grateful. Something like Erev Rosh HaShana I baking honey cookies.

Am I deluding myself? Am I using others? Confused

I do feel guilty about not being able to pay. embarrassed

pomegranate

Tue, Nov 04 2008, 6:42 pm

I would give her a gift certificate in a store I think she would like to show appreciation. This way she can buy a little something for herself.

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