Crying in front of kids

joy613

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 3:17 pm

I don't really know what you mean by crying. Is it emotional red teary eye sniffles, or real loud/childish crying?

I once read an article from someone involved in chinuch (it was regarding loss of a loved one, I have no idea what is the cause of your need to cry) and it said that if you feel the need to cry while the kids are around, you can. But only if it's a controlled crying, and not for too long, and after you could talk to them about it in basic terms. for ex: mommy's very sad so she cried a bit, something like that.
But if you're gonna get outa control with your crying, (hard to describe but I'm sure you can picture the difference of both types) that is not good for the child and shouldn't be done.

But then again I dont know how applicable this is altogether because your kids is really little. I would think that it wouldn't affect him so much to see you cry, and he most likely will not remember it, since he's so young.

amother

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 3:26 pm

Hashem loves me wrote:

I like how it turns out that loud uncontrollable crying is THE kind of crying that you are supposed to control and not do in front of kids...
well it can get pretty uncontrollable I guess. Like now when I am sick, and the kid is sick und refusing to eat and drink almost anything 3 days in a row, and he is miserable, and I sometimes it's kjust too much. or when he wakes up from a nap, the transition is always so hard for him that he cries for like 10 min minimum, and nothing can console him..
And he does understand that I'm crying, because he looks worried/puzzled and comes and pats/strokes me on the shoulder/hwatever he can reach and says 'shh shh', just like I do when I try to calm him down. But that of course if he is not crying himself. In this case he's wailing and doesn't care..

amother

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 4:13 pm

I would say you should go out of your way your kids shoudnt see you cry! I remember being a kid (don't remember exact age, maybe 4-5 years) and hearing my mom cry in the bathroom. I WAS SOOO TRAUMATIZED! Kids look up at their parents as their protector & I remember thinking if my mom is crying something is seriously wrong & I went to bed & cried along Sad

I was very scared to talk about it to anyone including my mom! I still get sad (over 20 years later) when I think about it. When I have a hard time in front of my kids I just go to the bathroom till I calm down.

amother

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 4:26 pm

OP, just wanted to tell you that I understand.

There was a period of time where my husband & I were fighting a LOT, & things were very painful. There were a couple of occasions where I was crying pretty hysterically in front of my toddler. I felt very badly about it, but I was in a lot of pain at the time and couldn't really stop myself. My daughter was definitely affected by it, but as soon as I felt back to myself, I gave her lots of hugs and kisses and tried to make it up to her.

HUGS!!!! Hope things improve and you feel better.

amother

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 4:32 pm

flowerpower wrote:

You really can't control yourself from crying? Kids really shouldn't see you cry. They get traumatized when the adults they trust cry or are sick. I had a bad case of the flu for three days, it really effected my kids. They were so sad and felt a bit lost-even though they had a good caretaker in the mean time.

it just seems like a bad mazal now for us and it all just keeps on falling on my head... davening doesn't help b/c as soon as I start talking to Hashem I'm wailing, seems like whenevr I feel I've reached my limit, there's a new trouble coming..
it must be be awful for the kid..

amother

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 4:34 pm

amother wrote:

yeah we cuddle a lot, and we play and laugh, but whenever there is a critical moment, like meal time or nap, or changing diaper.. you know..
thank you for support

Savta2010

Fri, Jan 22 2010, 7:08 am

Sometimes you just have to cry and it is ok. Children will eventually learn that their parents aren't perfect that they make mistakes and have emotions. However, it is important to explain to the child that mummy is sad/upset but he/she can come sit/lie next to you and you can cuddle and both will feel better soon.

To the poster who heard her mother in the bathroom - rather have your child near you if they can anyway hear that you are crying.

Of course try and minimise the times you cry in front of kids but it isn't the end of the world if you handle it ok and don't leave the child bewildered and confused.

Motherof7

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 3:00 am

It is really interesting because I cry very easily. I cry happy tears or sad ones and sometimes when I am laughing so hard I also cry. I don't think there is anything wrong with the kids seeing their mother cry. It is a normal reaction to things and again some people cry more easily than others. If I am crying I usually try to explain to the kids why I am crying. I know that others feel very different about this topic. I have had the kids say that "mommy's aren't supposed to cry" and I do wonder where they have picked this up. I simply explain mommy's have feelings too and that sometimes a mommy crys and that is ok.

imaima

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 3:25 am

Motherof7 wrote:

just like me.. crying at every chassene of people I hardly even know)))))))

freidasima

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 3:42 am

I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry from cartoons for heavens sake! So does my mother. The kids are used to it. If someone says something at the table and I have a sad memory and start crying one of the kids looks at the one who made the remark and says "you broke here again"....and they all come over to give me a hug.

Only one of the five are like that, middle dd cries at the drop of a hat too. oh well.

mimivan

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 3:45 am

I would try to avoid it...but let's say you are already crying..I would hold my kids hand and say, "Ima doesn't feel so happy/good right now, but I'll try to stop..."it is still better not to cry, but if you do and are calm, I don't think it is the end of the world...if you communicate to them about it (not about the deep problems...just that everything is okay etc..)

mimivan

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 3:46 am

freidasima wrote:

the voice of reason!

Israeli Mother

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 9:46 am

Motherof7 wrote:

I also cry very easily. I have cried at weddings, at sad movies, at sad stories, etc. My kids are used to it though and I think that it is a good thing to let children know that emotions don't have to be scary. When my youngest would get concerned when I would cry at a sad story or something I always smiled at her through my tears and told her that I'm really okay and that mommies just get sad sometimes from sad things and that crying makes me feel better when I'm sad.

Allowing ourselves to have emotions [or more accurately in most cases, hormones] and accepting ourselves as human for it helps our children to accept themselves and all of their emotions as well. If you are going through a hard time and you cry you can still reassure your children that you really are okay but you are just sad right now and just like they cry when they are sad so do mommies.

However, if you are crying because you are really depressed or just not managing to cope, it is not that you should worry about crying in front of your child, but you should get help to cope so that you can feel better and not feel so miserable. Even in this case, though, you can still tell your child that you really are okay and you are just a bit sad right now and it will pass [even if you're not so sure of that yourself] and you'd love a hug and maybe let's play a game or do something else constructive.

louche

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 10:53 am

freidasima wrote:

That makes 2 of us. I had a hard time reading aloud when the kids were little b/c my throat would lock up and my voice get thick when Mouse gave Moose his last cookie. The kids got used to seeing me all teary-eyed and runny-nosed while reading a novel, too. They make such fun of me.

I don't think it did them a bit of harm. Of course, all they ever saw was the sentimental kind of crying, not hysterical I-can't-cope or I'm-so-insulted or even It-hurts-so-bad kind of crying. I think that would scare a very young child, who needs to feel that his parents are rocks of Gibraltar.