I cant deal with the crying anymore!!!

amother

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 3:19 pm

Hi please help me, there has to be a tactic that works!! my baby was beautifully sleep trained, now, 7+ months old he decided he wont fall asleep if mom or dad are not in the room with him, even better touching his face or holding his hand. so this is not just that, in the middle of the night when he wakes up, this story starts all over again, baby cries, we try to let him calm himself down, there goes 10 minutes he is screaming his lungs out, I get up shush him, put sossy in his mounth all is good I get into bed, 3 minutes and its all over again and we play this game for at least 2 hours, I cant take it its wearing me out!!! what should I do??
does cio really works?? how long am I supposed to play rock and not pay attention to his cries? what else can I do, that I wont feel like a terrible mom..... please help me!

the world's best mom

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 5:13 pm

I would think that this change happened for a reason. He may be teething or having a growth spurt or something, so he is suddenly more needy. Tylenol can help with teething pain, and you can help comfort him by being with him, touching his face, whatever you've been doing. Maybe you can get more sleep if you take him into your bed with you. The way I see it is you have to choose between being tired for his sake, or letting him scream when there's a good chance he is in pain or uncomfortable.

Crying it out is usually done with kids who have never known how to put themselves to sleep. Once a baby knows how, he doesn't forget. I think it's obvious something is bothering him now and I really wouldn't try sleep training now.

marina

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 7:48 pm

after checking for ear infections and teething, let him cry it out.

Babies do forget sleep training- it happens all the time if the parent starts picking them up. However, sleep training a 2nd time should be faster, although if he was trained before 6 months, it may not have been actual training, just a nice schedule or whatever. Go out of earshot to ignore the crying or use a fan or white noise in the room that you are in or baby is in. crying it out does not last more than a week and basically the 1st night the baby can cry up to 4 hours, down an hour every night after that, until he will fall asleep after 5-10 minutes of crying after one week.

amother

Tue, Jan 26 2010, 9:54 pm

hello?! 7+ months old. Where is your compassion? What has happened to mommies in our generation? Your child needs you, he needs your presence! He feels insecure & needs his mommy & daddy right next to him. Crying it out is the craziest idea in the world! that's not the way to raise a child. They eventually give up when they cry it out & that's the saddest thing in the world, they just simply give up on you. Give your child time! He needs your presence, he needs you to hold his hand, do it!

DD is 9 months old & I let her play & eat until she gets tired which can be till 11 pm & then she's rocked or nursed to sleep because I'm her mom & that's what my obligation is right now, not to dump her into a dark room & let her holler until she falls on her pillow from tiredness, I would've hired a nanny to raise her if I believed in that kinda balogney!

GingerSpice

Wed, Jan 27 2010, 9:27 am

amother wrote:

common! I didn't say "sit up all night!" What I said was that if your 7+ month old tiny, infant, baby needs your security give it to him. She said he cries for a parent to be in the room & hold his hand I LOL thinking of how ridiculous some mothers are that they expect a infant under a year old to behave like an adult.

I agree, but I'm anti cio so I'm going to back away quietly.

OP, it sounds to me like something is bothering your child, like previous posters said I would check his ears or for teething. Good Luck! Those sleepless nights can be hard just remember its going to pass Wink

:hugs:

fmt4

Wed, Jan 27 2010, 9:36 am

amother wrote:

But she asked for help. She said it's wearing her out and she feels like she can't do it anymore. Maybe its easy for YOU to sit holding your baby's hand all night, but for her it's obviously getting to be too much. People need their sleep. So for you to criticize her as being selfish is unfair. And no one is expecting anything from their infants. We are just trying to figure out a way to function so that both baby and mom are happy.

chavs

Wed, Jan 27 2010, 10:06 am

First of all echoing everyone that you need to rule out any causes of pain or illnesses.

I am not the amother and I am happy to post under my name. I am not sure why amother didnt as the post looses a lot when its amother.Saying that I have got to agree and no its not self rightous. When you choose to have kids some sacrifices come with it like loosing sleep to be there for your baby who does need you. The reason a baby stops crying when sleep trained is because they realise that no one comes when they cry. Selfsoothing you call it right, meaning, baby learns that they cant count on their parents to comfort them, they have to comfort themselves, come on! Your baby cant talk and communicate that he is hungry/tired/cold/lonely or just needs a cuddle so he/she cries and you are saying that because its 3 in the morning you expect your baby to go back to sleep and have his needs met in the morning. I dont get it? Your baby will only be a baby once and its your resoinsibility as a parent to meet their needs. I am not saying its fun being up with your baby or that you cant share the responsibility with your husband, but if your baby cries its just plain wrong to ignore him/her.
I am from Denmark and if anyone did the cio there social services would be called, a friend of mine is from Slovakia and she says the same thing. In our countries its called neglect.

Practically speaking how can you prevent yourself from going crazy whilst meeting your childs need?
First of all, sharing the responsibility with your husband is a good start, I know he might have to get to work, but staying with your baby is also work, very important work and you both need sleep, so say you go to sleep at 9 or 10 and your dh takes care of the baby from then until whatever time you decide when he wakes up. You can take the shift from whatever time you decide until morning.

Second step could be to sleep train again using a gentle method, a book such as The No Cry Sleep Solution comes to mind, others is Dr Sears sleep book others is Tracy Hogg The Baby Whisperer. Choose one method you are happy with and try it for a few weeks at least, habits are NOT gonna be broken in just a few days so take the time and until he is in a better routine pace yourself for little sleep and try to get the sleep you can by for example sharing with your dh, using earplugs ia actually a very good idea when its your dh's turn so you dont get disturbed.

the world's best mom

Wed, Jan 27 2010, 10:45 am

I agree that crying it out is cruel. Babies need comfort from their parents. When my 3 year old asks me to stay in her room with ther while she goes to sleep and I say no, she protests, "But it's scary!" So I stay with her. A baby can't talk to tell you he's scared, but that doesn't mean babies have no fears. Also, the few times I let my first kid cry (because everyone told me I had to), when I went in to check on her after 15 minutes, she always had a dirty diaper. Even though you put a kid in with a clean diaper, it may not stay clean. And if it does, there are hundreds of other things that can be bothering the baby, from being too hot, too cold, having itchy tags or uncomfortable pajamas, teething, gas pains...

So OP wants advice? I'd say let the baby come sleep in your bed if you want, or give him your pajamas or something that has your smell to sleep with in the crib, or nap when your baby naps. If possible, let your husband take over for part of the night.

There are plaenty of ways to survive without resorting to abandoning your baby when he needs you. You may be tired at times, but you will get through it.

Barbara

Wed, Jan 27 2010, 11:19 am

marina wrote:

I don't believe in allowing a baby to cry it out. I think its cruel to leave a baby who cannot tell you what is wrong, and does not comprehend that you will be there in the morning, or need to do something or are tired, or whatever. I do believe that the only thing to do is to go in and comfort baby. Better yet, move him to your bed the first time he wakes up; you'll sleep better, and so will he.

Investigate other methods as well. Some people have mentioned the No Cry Sleep Solution, but there are others as well. Google. Go to the library. Read. Learn. Decide what is best for you.

But OP, if you're going to use the *cry it out* method, please, PLEASE actually go to the library and read Ferber's book. Ferber would NEVER advocate allowing a baby to simply cry for 4 hours straight. Ferber advocates establishing night time rituals. Then you can leave the baby crying for 3 MINUTES -- not hours, MINUTES. Go in, comfort baby (without picking up or feeding), leave. The intervals lengthen over the next week or so, to 5 MINUTES, then 10 MINUTES. Not HOURS. If baby is crying for hours, there's something else going on. Or your baby is immune to the Ferber method (and Ferber admits that some babies are).

OP, its difficult, but this too shall pass.

Savta2010

Wed, Jan 27 2010, 5:27 pm

I never believed in letting a child, especially at such a young age, cry it out. I would firstly check that the child is well - are they teething, coughing, ear infection etc. Once you have verified that they are ok the first thing to work on is the child going to sleep nicely at bedtime. Develop a bedtime routine - (bath), a cuddle/story (yes even at that age), krias shema - whilst in bed already. At first you should be next to the child when you put them down and gradually work towards touching less, going further away etc. I found that talking when you aren't near helps and even singing. Eventually, you can stop that too but slowly. Once the child is going to sleep nicely, you just have to continue this routine in middle of the night. Go to the door of room and talk/sing etc. Perhaps if they see you aren't coming in at night they will try and not wake up at all. Also perhaps a sippy cup with water will help during the night?

marina

Wed, Jan 27 2010, 7:14 pm

Most people who resort to cio, have already tried everything listed here. they have routines, they have taken the baby to bed, they have tried ferber, etc. You are speaking to parents who have spent months desperately figuring out what to do. Ferber, btw, just teaches many kids that all they have to do is cry longer and you will come and hold them.

It is not cruel to leave a baby to cry for 3-4 hours, no more than it is cruel to put a toddler in time out or forbidding your teenager from wearing what everyone else is wearing or establishing any other form of discipline.

If a child cries that long, it DOES NOT necessarily mean anything is wrong. Assuming that you already checked with your doctor, a child could just be crying because that is how they communicate "pick me up." The only reason most toddlers don't cry for hours to be picked up is because they have learned that their parents will not oblige.

What is wrong is making a very tired and stressed parent feel guilty for handling this situation in the same effective way that it has been handled for years. Millions of kids all around the world learn to self soothe the old fashioned way
.
As an aside, a stressed, tired and strung-out parent is much more of a danger to a baby's well being than being left to cry for a few hours. No one ever shakes a peaceful, quiet infant. Enough said.

Barbara

Wed, Jan 27 2010, 7:48 pm

marina wrote:

Well, we'll disagree on the definition of cruelty. To me, leaving a baby to cry for 4 hours is cruel.

I find your equation of infants with teenagers or even toddlers to be incomprehensible. If I tell me almost-teen *no* he understands what I'm saying. We can discuss it. He understands my explanation, even if he doesn't agree. Even a toddler has sufficient receptive language abilities to understand *bedtime* and *no* That toddler also has sufficient language ability to say *hurt* *hungry* or *scared* The toddler doesn't cry for hours to be picked up because the toddler *understands* The infant lacks all of those abilities. [I'll add that my toddler was never left to cry alone -- and he was a frequent night waker and cryer -- and he certainly didn't cry endlessly to be picked up as a toddler. From my perspective, his needs were met when he was a baby. He knew we were there when he needed us. He got past that stage and became an independent little person.]

I also find your equation of infants crying with wrongdoing by older children to be puzzling. Infant crying isn't wrong or bad. its their only way of communicating. One wouldn't discipline an infant for crying. It wouldn't make sense. The only comparison I can think of is locking your child in a dark room for hours on end with no food, and refusing to answer or explain what is going on.

I also have to say that your experience with parents who allow their children to cry for prolonged periods of time is quite different from mine. Those I meet generally don't try other methods; I've never met one who used a family bed, baby cried for hours in family bed, parent moved baby to crib to cry alone for hours. The OP said that her baby had slept well until recently. Other ideas may well be welcome by her.