My 10 year old was sent home from school because...

amother

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 4:13 am

Because he spoke during class.

So, my DH went to the school to try and streighten it out with the Rebbe.
After which, the Rebbe agreed to let my son back in class (and my DH also told DS that if he behaves nicely for the rest of the day, he will also get his allowance before Shabbos).
BUT, my DS refused, and insisted on going home anyway.

I'm so frustrated!!!

He's in his room now. I told him he's grounded until Shabbos, no playing with friends, no playing on the computer, no riding his bike etc....

He hates his rebbe. and doesn't want to ever go back to school.

What should I do??

lizard8

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 4:18 am

Do you understand how humiliating it is for a child to get sent home for talking during class? I don't blame him for not wanting to go back to that Rebbi. Allowance is not going to help the situation, neither is getting permission to come back to class. I think you might have aggravated the situation even more, by not giving him time to recover and punishing him. Try to put yourself in his shoes and take away all the harsh punishment.

amother

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 4:28 am

OP here.

I just wanted to mention that this isn't the first time he is being punished for talking in the middle of class, or other misbehavior.
He was sent out of class (not to go home, though) quite a few times already.
Had to write "I will not disturb in the middle of class" 100 X, etc......

I guess the Rebbe got fed up with him not learning his lesson, so he decided to just send him home.

joy613

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 4:28 am

I don't understand why he's grounded. Was is for talking in class - which is not a reason to get sent home for, there have been a lot worse things done to teachers. Or because he didn't want to go back to school? If that's the reason- Do you blame him at all??? why would he want to go right back to a rebbi who doesn't' sound like one of the best around. I forsure wouldn't want to go back if I were him.

And I would 'not want anymore punishment.

Do you talk to the principal about the Rebbe, it doesn't sound so fair how he treats your son.

good luck

Last edited by joy613 on Thu, Jan 21 2010, 4:40 am; edited 1 time in total

TzenaRena

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 5:01 am

Whoaa again. I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that there is more to the story. In my own experience, I have discovered that my son does not usually tell me the whole entire truth leaving out nothing, about his "blue cards" and why he occasionaly may get sent home for them ( the system used in his Yeshiva).

After speaking to the teacher, a different picture emerges, even though I sympathize with my child and feel his pain.

Sometimes, the Rebbi finally gives a knas after many other provocations that he tried to overlook, so that although the child was "only" talking, it's that he has done so ONCE AGAIN, he really has disturbed the class numerous times, in different ways, perhaps over several days and the disciplinary measures reflect that.

Naturally a kid doesn't feel good about being disciplined. That doesn't mean that the teacher is wrong though. Assuming that this is the case, and no one tells him otherwise, your child will reflect for a while, and come to a more objective and mature understanding of how his own behaviour caused the circumstance, and how he can take responsibility for changing that. It can take a day or two till that happens, but it's worth having patience because it can be a growing experience..

Seraph

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 5:15 am

amother wrote:

OP here.

I totally agree with you, I also wouldn't want to go back into class.

But, I don't want him to feel like he's getting a reward, and getting to come home and have fun!!

How is he going to learn his lesson, if he sees that if he misbehaves then he gets to go home??

I need some input here...

If I were in your place, what I would probably do is sit down my son and explain to him just how disturbing it is when someone is trying to teach a class and he is always talking out. Try maybe role play with him, pretend that he is the teacher and you be him, interrupting him every second. Ask him how he feels when that happens.
Then try to understand how he feels and why he did what he did. Ask him what he was interrupting about. Was it because he had something he didnt understand? Tell him that he can raise his hand and wait for the teacher to call on him and then he'll get his question answered faster than if he calls out. Did he have something interesting on the subject they were learning that he wanted to share? Give him the idea that he could write it out on a paper so he doesnt forget and show it to the teacher or you after class. Was someone bothering him and thats why he was talking? Try to figure out solutions to that. Is he bored in class? Try to figure out what he can do so he isnt bored, perhaps talking to the teacher about giving him permission to do other extracurricular or advanced work in class if he already knows the material and is bored.
ETA: Let him figure out the solution for all of these. If he is stumped, then you can give the suggestions that I mentioned. He'll feel good about solving the problem on his own and will be more willing to comply than if you just order him to do xyz.
Basically, problem solve with him so this doesnt happen in the future.

And then as a "punishment" have him write out the solutions decided upon to present to the teacher, and have him complete at home the work they are doing in class today.

Last edited by Seraph on Thu, Jan 21 2010, 5:23 am; edited 1 time in total

TzenaRena

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 5:16 am

OP, I agree that he shouldn't be rewarded with being allowed to stay home.

The way it works in my son's Yeshiva is that after a certain amount of those "blue cards", the child can't come to class until the parents meet with the teacher, mashgiach etc. The meeting is with the child present. I have found that after these meetings, the air has been cleared so to say.

My son who claimed that his teacher "hates" him is now taking more responsibility for his behaviour. The teacher is also trying to give him extra "kiruv" in the spirit of "yemin mekareves" after having had to resort to "smol docheh". There is a renewed, positive relationship, and hearing between the lines, when listening to his recounts of whatever was happening in his class today, I see that my son realizes that he really likes his Rebbi, and doesn't think he "hates" him after all. Wink

Seraph, I really like what you posted here.

Inspired

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 5:29 am

lizard8 wrote:

This. I cannot imagine punishing a kid who was already sent home from school for the day. And for talking in class. huh?

ITA with Seraph too.

sim

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 7:58 am

This doesn't seem like the full picture to me. Perhaps it is time to have a full-blown sit-down conference with the Rebbi and the secular teacher and anyone else involved with your son (the principal, if he's the one doing the discipline in this school). Sometimes things can become clearer; misapprehensions can be wiped away, if everyone is on the same page at the same time.
Perhaps the school isn't a good fit for your son; I can't tell from what you've told us. Perhaps you don't really know what's going on either. As a teacher, I know that repeated disruption in class is a derech eretz issue and disables the teacher from doing his/her job. Maybe it isn't being handled well. However, as a parent, your job is to dig deeper until you have a clearer understanding of why your son's behavior is causing problem, and often the hanhala of a school can work with you in ameliorating it. Hatzlacha and much nachas.

Israeli Mother

Thu, Jan 21 2010, 11:59 am

I also agree that this is not the entire story.

As to what to do, I am a very firm believer in using natural consequences instead of punishment. Your job as a mommy is not to be punitive but to be a loving mother who wants to guide her child to be the best person that he can be.

I would find out why he was talking in class -- was he chatting with a friend, was he trying to ask a question when the rebbe was talking and didn't let the rebbe finish what he wanted to say, or what exactly happened? And then I would explain to him the rebbes side of the story [I.e.; it's hard to teach when children are talking, questions must wait for the end, your rebbe gives you recess so you can talk to your friends, etc.] but since his rebbe has already punished him, I can't imagine what more is to gain from your doing so. If you want to show that you agree with his rebbe, then you can simply say that you understand why his rebbe was upset/angry and you are sure that since your son really is a good boy and wants to do what is right you are sure that now that he won't have this problem again.

On the other hand, though, you also have to advocate for your son with the rebbe. Could it be that your son is bored and the class material is too easy for him? Again, this is not an excuse but if this is the case then maybe you could advocate for your son with the rebbe and have his rebbe help come up with solutions to help your son feel less bored. Whatever the reason, your son cannot advocate for himself and you must be there to do so for him. If you don't protect his interests and try to help him then who will?

Just some food for thought.