Good mommy and wife = bad everything else?

amother

Thu, Jun 14 2012, 11:11 am

I am currently expecting my third, and I'm in my third trimester.

I'm pretty happy with how I'm dealing with this period in my life. I'm really trying to preserve myself for my kids and my dh. I also am working pt, getting dinner on table, making sure we have clean clothes...and just keeping myself relatively relaxed and not overly stressed. There are a ton of errands that need to be done, but with my (current) baby home with me all day and my older kid away for only half the day, it's been tough to get them all in. I've been crossing things off my to-do list and feeling relatively successful with it all.

I just talked to my mother this morning, and randomly mentioned to her that I cleaned out a shelf that was an absolute mess. My mother is a very neat person; I am not. Suddenly she was saying that not only that, but I should take down all of the dishes and things from the kitchen cabinets and wipe down those shelves because they must be so dirty right now...and clean up the kitchen because it can sometimes get really disgusting in there.

I told her that I'm sorry, but right now that's not high up on my priority list. If my dh would simply take off a day -- which he's not going to do, and shouldn't, imho -- then maybe it could get done. But I am not shlepping down my dishes at this stage of the pregnancy. There's no reason to, and anyone who cares about it will just have to deal with it, because I don't.

A bit later in the conversation, she mentioned that I didn't call on my parents' anniversary, which was a week or two ago. We NEVER celebrated their anniversary growing up, but for some reason since we moved out (and we live nearby, so it's not a distance issue) we're supposed to remember the date. I don't even know the date by heart! Oh, and father's day is next week, she mentioned. I had no idea. I guess that's one "downside" to not having a TV or getting a newspaper. My dh won't mind, and I can just get the kids to do a craft or something for my father, but it was the insinuation that bothered me.

Look. I need to do what I need to do right now. I'm not good at remembering things at the best of times (Hey, I forgot about mother's day until my mom reminded me the week before, and Mother's Day is for ME too!), but even more so when I'm pregnant. And even moreso when I'm in my third trimester, trying to get everything done on little energy while running around after my kids and getting "the basics" done.

So I guess this is just a vent. I really don't want ayone to tell me that I should be dusting my kitchen shelves with the bit of energy I have left. I don't know what type of response exactly I'm looking for...I just want someone to say, "Yes, you're right. I understand. Don't care about what people say -- even your own mother."

OOTforlife

Thu, Jun 14 2012, 11:22 am

Yes, you're right about things like your kitchen shelves. That's your business to set home priorities, not your mother's.

On the other hand, it wouldn't hurt to at least make some minor effort to remember the special occasions important to your mom. I'm not perfect in that regard either, or even close, but there are tricks that make me better than I would be otherwise. Mainly automated reminders. If you have a cell phone, just put it into your calendar/alert/alarms so that it will pop up and remind you. I set mine so that they remind me of things multiple times before. Google calendar will send you emails at preset times that you select.

sneakermom

Thu, Jun 14 2012, 7:13 pm

It sounds like your mother has her own issues to contend with here. I would say a little dust on a shelf is much better than talking to your married daughter on the phone who is in her third trimester and making her feel inadequate!

Maybe your mother is afraid of losing you so she begins to hyperfocus on mother and father's day. Maybe she wants to feel like the "all knowing" competent one so she points out to you your discrepancies, or maybe this is how your relationship has always been.

But to me you sound like a great wife and mom. You're getting through the days, providing your family with their daily needs - What could be better? Most normal homes have dust in them, and believe me they are healthy. They balance out all the other things that are clean, give our immune system a reason to work, and patiently wait until we get to them erev Pesach (if they're lucky).

Just make a note that when your kids call you in their ninth month, or hour of need, you tune into them and make them feel like a million dollars!

b from nj

Thu, Jun 14 2012, 7:25 pm

It sounds like you have your hands full with your toddler, baby & pregnancy & I agree that dusting need not be a priority unless YOU want it to be. If your mother really thinks it's very important for your house to be dusted then either she can do it for you or hire someone to do it for you (if she is willing & able to do so).

However, as a daughter who always tries to remember my parents birthdays, anniversaries, & special occasions such as mother's & father's day, I think it is a good idea to show some kibud av v'em to your parents even if it wasn't really celebrated when you were growing up. Besides, I don't think they are expecting you to throw them a party, but just a phone call or a touching Hallmark card does go a long way!

B'sha'ah tovah on the upcoming birth. Hope all will go smoothly!!

seeker

Thu, Jun 14 2012, 7:33 pm

Just wanted to say I received your vent! Looks like you've already made peace with your decisions and priorities, so good for you! Sorry you had to be subject to all that criticism, so annoying.

If the special days thing is really important to your mom, I'd consider putting them on a calendar though. At least if you don't have the energy to do something special, it will at least remind you to call and acknowledge the occasion. I'm sure there are even websites or apps or whatever that will send you a reminder at the appropriate time. That will take the thing off your mind (even if it wasn't there in the first place...) while making your mother happy (one hopes)