Talking to My Son about the Birds & Bees

amother

Sun, Feb 07 2010, 6:32 pm

I have a 9.5 year old son and he's made some comments recently that suggest that someone needs to talk to him about puberty and girls and s-xuality.

Has anyone here had this talk with their son? What did you say? How did it go? Were there follow up conversations? What did you emphasize and what did you skip over? What would you have done differently?

I particularly want to emphasize self control and restraint, but I have no idea how to do that. I had no problem talking to my girls about it, but I dont know what to say to a boy.

B4 u ask, having his father speak to him is not a good idea for us and I do not have uncles, brothers or whatever to fill in.

amother

Sun, Feb 07 2010, 7:43 pm

Don't bring it up out of the blue, wait for it to "come up", be matter of fact, explain what changes he should expect, how hormones will be affected, he will at that point feel an interest in girls as insane as that sounds now. I would not get into halachos so much at 9 or 10but gloss over how iit is just a fact of life that it is difficult to manage those feelings and so that is why boys do not look at not tznius and not ...and when his body changes he will have a deeper understanding of how helpful it will be for him for all of his life and when the time comes you will help him find himself a wife. I wouldn't push the whole conversation if your son is not activelt interested, better then to break it up into mini peices, one thing here, one there as things come up. Tell him to feel free to come to you to discuss any questions. Tell him it is better he ask at home than be misinformed by friends, which is many times the case and all questions are 100% okay for him to ask you.

Dh also explained to my ds the whole science biology facts in a scientific manner. Maybe as a mother, it would be more comfortable to choose a book like that and give it to him to read and tell him you can go over it to be clear together if he wants.

Seriously, good luck, keep it matter of fact and as comfortable as you can.

(ps, our ds is still young, we don't know if we did a good job yet)

life'sgreat

Sun, Feb 07 2010, 7:47 pm

amother wrote:

I would advise against a book because that might give the child the message that I'm uncomfortable discussing this with you, so here's the information. I think the first issue is for the parent that will be discussing this to be entirely comfortable in discussing every aspect of it, as well as using proper words. Once the parent is comfortable with all of this, the subtle messages the child will get will be a lot healthier.

I agree with you that it's important to let the child know they can ask you any questions (and your body language and responses should prove that they really can and it isn't just talk).

opinionatedbubby

Sun, Feb 07 2010, 9:03 pm

Some random thoughts:
- start by finding out what he already knows, or thinks he knows, about the subject, then build on to that, little by little, in different conversations. I think 9.5 is a little young to talk about restraint, but I may be wrong
- don't talk about it too much, he'll think you're obsessed.
- don't talk about it too little, he'll think you're embarrassed.
-you can ask if the other kids understand some topics that come up in Chumash, then explain them to him, if he doesn't.
-I wonder how many other mothers end up discussing these things with their sons. I did, because I had a more casual relationship with my ds than my dh did.
- you only have to talk to the oldest kids in the family; for better or worse, they clue in the younger ones. But make sure that's true.
- Warn him not to share information with his peers because you don't know what other parents want their sons to know, when. He won't listen to you, but you can try. My ds gave his second grade friends an earful----eeek!