Did you think you would be the mother you are?

amother

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 7:34 pm

A friend and I have been discussing how we both wanted to be SAHM's. However now that we are it't nothing like we imagined. We feel like this has a lot to do with the fact that we did not have a clue what it meant to be a mother, have kids and stay at home ALL DAY with them (even with they are in school you are so tied to their schedule).

I realize now that I really didn't understand what it meant to take care of a house, never ending laundry, cleaning, taking kids to dr's, school, shopping, dinner, bath, bed, teeth brushing...I guess I never imagined past the "oh it's so cute to have pretty children" part.

I think I am a good mom most of the time but then I have these moments where I realize "wow, this is not the mother I wanted to be". Anyone else out there? What do you do? Is it even possible to become the mom you imagined before you were a mother?

amother

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 8:05 pm

amother wrote:

I never thought id be a sahm. I like being out and working and interacting with people. I dont think anyone ever fully knows what to expect, because no matter what its a new situation. youve seen married people, but now its you. youre great with kids, but thats when youre baby sitting for a few hours or you are with your nieces and nephews for a few days and can disappear. its not like that when youre a mom.

I think we all have moments that we are not proud of.....I would love to be the mom I imagines- calm, does fun stuff with my kids, not a yeller mom.....mostly at that moment, I try to take a breat and calm down, cuz generally I cant remove myself from the situation.

maofboys

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 8:08 pm

I am a WAHM and I think I am doing ok. maybe my standards are not as high as yours. my kids come first, work comes second, house come last Sad

if I use frozen pizza for dinner once in a while I don't beat myself up over it and if I need to take a morning off work to do house work I'll do it. b"h my Dh doesn't get upset when he comes home and its wreck (but usually I will warn him so he is prepared not to make a comment).

amother

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:58 pm

Yes, I am more or less the mother I hoped to be, b"H. Of course, I am not as perfect as I would like... But I am b"H a happy, healthy, compassionate, warm, affectionate, understanding, loving, fair, patient, sympathetic mother. I don't scream like my mother did (it's not easy, but that's one thing that's not happening in my house), I don't 'force' like my mother did, unless it's absolutely important, which most things aren't. I remember that while it's true that my kids have to respect me on a much higher level than I do them, I am still mechuyav to treat them NO LESS (and obviously more) than I am mechuyav in any yid: I am mechuyav to be dan l'kaf z'chus, even if they are very young (and I teach them to do the same between themselves), I ask forgiveness- even if they are so young that they are just learning what it means. Now... I'm working on baking more with/for them, learning good ideas for what to do on boring Sundays, etc. But I'm working on it- and for that I still feel like the mother I want to be.

My motto is "Whatever will make everyone (me, dh and the kids) calm and happy is what we'll do". If it's doing everything for Shabbos early, then we'll do that. If doing everything early will make me nervous and angry, then we won't. You get the idea...

shosh

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 6:00 am

I used to have these dreams about getting married to a nice man, having a couple of kids, and everything being very rosy. I think if anyone had told me that I'd be blessed with eight kids in ten years, bli ayin hara, and then that I'd become a single mum, I'd probably have jumped off the roof!

But truth is, it's really not as bad as it sounds (honestly!) I am very close to my kids, totally dedicated to my work and giving my kids a loving, livable home. And all without some old misery telling me I'm doing it all wrong or telling me what to spend my money on, and I'm really enjoying my independence! Yes, I'm sure most pple would find us a strange lot as certain parts of my reality and aspirations are different from "the norm" but we are still alive, my kids are clean, dressed, fed, loved, and have a roof over their head. I wish I didn't shout and scream at them as much as I do, especially when I am very tired under a lot of pressure, but believe me it could be a lot worse.

Bottom line - no I never thought I'd be this kind of mother. But now that I am, it's actually a livable situation!

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 6:12 am

Aylat wrote:

imaima wrote:

I must confess I never ever tried to picture myself being a mother and never thought about getting married and having kids. It just have never been a part of my dreams.

Me too.

so then to both of you who said that being a mother and wife was never part of your dreams, are you upset now that you are both wives and mothers? Just wondering.

I for one dreamed about being a mother for years before I BH found my husband. I wanted to be a mother a looooong time ago. I think that BH overall I am the mother that I thought I would be. There are times that I sometimes loose it and then I wonder, but I really do think that most mothers are not perfect and that my area that I have to work on.

freshie

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 7:45 am

shosh wrote:

you are an inspiration!

Aylat

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 8:03 am

freshie wrote:

shosh wrote:

you are an inspiration!

ITA!

SavtaHelen

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 8:09 am

My DREAM is to be a housewife. I guess I can't really be a SAHM since I have no children living full time at home...shucks!

I have been working more or less fulltime, with very few breaks (no summer vacations, 6 week maternity leaves, etc)since I was 16!!

I had to take today off to wait for a repairman WHO HAS STILL NOT SHOWN UP AT 3 PM!!!!! and I had such a nice time, got up, davened, put up a load of laundry, prepared the challa dough, got dressed, went food shopping, came back, prepared most of Shabbat, made myself a nice lunch and now I am sitting on the couch with my laptop on my lap....not bad.

I think the proof of my "motherhood" is in the results. Thank G-d I have healthy happy children, who are rasing their own healthy happy children. I was just thinking to myself today while cooking that it seems to me that my kids have had a lot less anquish, a lot less angst than I had growing up. They seem well balanced, psychologicallly healthy and emotionally stable. B"H B"H B"H!!!

superjew

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 8:30 am

I never really thought about the mom I'd want to be. Making it a pressure isn't a good thing. I do have rules of things NOT to do. Like scream etc I work hard on this but for the positives I'm just the way I wanted to be Smile

I did want to be a WPTM (I just made that up, work part time mom) so that I can have a healthy balance within myself. But that hasn't worked out (no jobs that are worth it for me & my family) so I'm a SAHM and trying to love every moment. I do love being home with my ds all day but at times I need a feeling of 'doing something' so in that way I'm not the way I 'dreamed' but I accept it fully & make the best of it Smile

saw50st8

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 8:57 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Aylat wrote:

imaima wrote:

I must confess I never ever tried to picture myself being a mother and never thought about getting married and having kids. It just have never been a part of my dreams.

Me too.

I never thought about getting married and having kids. At some point I told my mother I didn't plan to get married.

When I met DH, I changed my mind about marriage and knew that as a frum man kids came along for the ride. I am really happy about that :-) I love my husband and my kids.

Sweet Valley Gal

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 9:38 am

So far I am happy with the way I am mothering. DD is still little but bh its going great. She's a great kid so she makes it easy to be good bh. I work out full time so barely even get to see her except on weekends but the time I do spend with her is what I dreamed about while single and before I had her.