If Your 16 Year Old Daughter Came Home Pregnant...

saw50st8

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:01 am

(can anyone tell I've been watching too much 16 and pregnant? LOL

)

Your 16 year old daughter tells you she's pregnant. How do you react?

Make them get married in a shotgun wedding?

Talk to a Rabbi about abortion?

Kick her out of your house?

Send her off to "seminary" for a year and have her give up the baby?

How would YOU react?

[Or, your 16 year old son tells you he got a 16 year old frum girl pregnant]

Mirabelle

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:06 am

I watch that show also!

As the mom of three daughters, I have thought about this.

On one hand I personally feel (from an objective perspective) that adoption would be best, especially as jewish babies are in demand and even now I know about 10 wonderful couples that would snap up a baby like that in a second...on the other hand, I am not sure that I could deal with the idea of my own flesh and blood just being "out there" in the world, you know.

saw50st8

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:14 am

I don't have any daughters at the moment but I've thought a lot about this too.

I would leave the decision (adoption vs parenting) to my daughter. If she chose parenting, I would help her out financially and emotionally, as long as she would finish her schooling. That would be very important to me.

I would also require her to be on BC. Statistics show that most teenagers who get pregnant, get pregnant again within 2 years. Even though I would feel like I failed her because she was having premarital s-ex, I would also think its important to protect her from future mistakes.

I wouldn't force a shotgun wedding on her. I think a 16 year old is way too young to get married and they would have no ability to really support themselves.

mummiedearest

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:16 am

I'm a firm believer in responsibility. you get pregnant? you keep that baby. and you get a job to support it. and you deal with the doctor's appointment. I do think the best option is marriage. the father should be involved daily. and if not, fine, but she has to work towards getting her own apartment or paying parents rent.

obviously, this is all theoretical. but I know people in the neighborhood (not jewish) who decided to get pregnant, but can't move in with boyfriends for financial reasons. so mom and dad are footing the bill, being daily caregivers, and single mom has no job. she does take care of baby, but she gets to sleep in. the gparents love the baby, but it's not a fair situation. I like the family, by the way. they're very nice people. I just don't get this particular attitude that this is ok. (single mom is not a teenager, btw.)

there are certainly circumstances in which adoption is called for. however, to me that's a last resort.

greentiger

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:16 am

well this is what I hope I'd do. There is no way to know and I hope I don't. I would speak to a rav as to what action is best to take. I would make it clear that whatever choice we make, I'm in it together with her. If she would follow through with the pregnancy, I'd make sure she's looked after and gets a good doctor. Its a bit late to talk about bc, but I'd have her test for stds. No doubt I would be very hurt. And embarrassed. As I'm sure she would be. But she is going to pay the price for the rest of her life so I hope I won't be making things harder for her.

If it were a son, well, I'd somehow be much angrier I think. I'd hope that it was consentual and that he wasn't out taking advantage of the other relations. Even at 16, I'd encourage him to propose and to take on as much responsibility as possible while supporting the girl emotionally. I'd freak him out with as many stories as I could get my hands on, all while teaching him about stds. I'd kick him out of the house to get an after school job and have him contribute whatever he can to the kid and her baby.

Mirabelle

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:18 am

saw50st8 wrote:

Well, I think we have seen from 16 and pregnant that those relationships rarely last anyway.

When the show first started I really liked it because I thought that it really showed teens how hard having a baby is and that they need to be responsible. Now it seems like the "moms" are being all glamorized, etc. My nanny told me (she has a 13 year old girl) that now girls are getting pregnant on purpose to try to get on the show!

saw50st8

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:22 am

Mirabelle wrote:

saw50st8 wrote:

OMG that's awful!

The statistics are that teen parent relationships rarely last. Not surprising considering how many 16 year olds really know what they want in a partner for life? Some yes, absolutely, but they are still babies....

Ruchel

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:36 am

Any wedding you have to take the plunge and hope for the best. Teen wedding even more. But going against all Jewish social rules shows they're not afraid of taking plunges, right?
So yes, I would tell them to get married. If they don't like each other, they should not have gone that far, considering in the circles my child will IYH grow up, even kissing would be very far and rebellious.

Now, I suppose teens getting married are more likely to not separate without a good reason, and frum teens are more likely to not have random short relationships. You gotta love each other to defy the only world u know!

I would insist on the marriage and on keeping the child and appropriate pregnancy behaviour (no dangerous things etc). The rest I would be more opened with. If I have money and they want support, that's fine, I may even pay for the honeymoon Wink

. I will definitely help with the baby if I have the health/strength, etc.

life'sgreat

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:41 am

mummiedearest wrote:

To me, the one who will lose out the most is the child.

life'sgreat

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:44 am

greentiger wrote:

Interesting. Why such a big difference between a son and a daughter?

saw50st8

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:48 am

bubby wrote:

Thank G-d! I thought this thread was going to be a call for help from OP!!! Very Happy

Just as an aside...what kind of show is this? Reality TV? Sheesh! Rolling Eyes

My oldest son is turning 3. If he got someone pregnant that WOULD be a reality TV show Tongue Out

Yes this is. It chronicles the pregnancy, birth and first month or so of teen moms.

Its really heartbreaking sometimes. And its amazing the difference a good support system makes to a girl finishing high school and having the chance at success in life.

Teacup9

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 9:51 am

I would be as supportive as I can. I would hope she didn't consider adoption but that it is her choice and obviously I'd pray that she wasn't so far off the derech that she'd consider abortion an option, because that I do not support without a rabbinic exception.

Marriage is up to her just as it always will be. If she wants to get married adn hide out and make people believe the baby was premature that is her choice as is being a single mother. A bad decision to get pregnant does not necessitate being in a bad marriage if that is the case.

I would do the same for a son.

I know of not one but two cases recently where girls got pregnant and had the baby of a non Jew. Once girl was kicked out of her parental home and because she had no stable residence by default the baby was given to the father and his family. A Jewish baby being raised full time in a non Jewish home! Where is this girl's chance for teshuva? Now she is involved with a group that is providing her with assistance and trying to get the baby back.

saw50st8

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:03 am

sofaraway wrote:

What if it happened against her will CHV?
What would you do then, aside for filing police report?
Would it change yoru view on the situation?

If it happened against her will and she wanted to abort, I would ask her to talk to a Rabbi first. But I would support her decision because I don't think its for me to make.

I would also make sure she had major therapy. I would also help her out more and make sure she had more time as a kid, even if it means I take most of the responsibility.

If she wanted to adopt, I would totally understand.

Teacup9 wrote:

I know of not one but two cases recently where girls got pregnant and had the baby of a non Jew. Once girl was kicked out of her parental home and because she had no stable residence by default the baby was given to the father and his family. A Jewish baby being raised full time in a non Jewish home! Where is this girl's chance for teshuva? Now she is involved with a group that is providing her with assistance and trying to get the baby back.

That is awful. There are very few situations where I would kick my child out of the house and pregnancy is for sure not one of them. At least that baby has someone who is willing to care for it, Jewish or not.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:03 am

life'sgreat wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

To me, the one who will lose out the most is the child.

ITA.

I honestly think it would be in the best interest of the child if a loving adoptive family could be found. The child should be given the best chances for life.

I'm also a firm believer in responsibility, and I think this would be the responsible thing to do. If the teenager wasn't responsible until now, how is forcing the poor child on her going to teach her that?

AlwaysGrateful

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:12 am

I would go to my rav and talk it out. I would not advocate abortion without the rav's consent, but it would be up to my daughter to choose adoption or raising the baby. I would try to be as honest as possible with her about what both possibilities entailed.

My gut feeling? I would be as supportive emotionally as possible. I would give her almost as much support as I would a daughter who had a baby and then got divorced or widowed. But the choices - whether the marry the father, whether to give the baby up for adoption - are really hers. I would be there to talk it out with her, to hear her concerns, and yes, to give her some help. But I'd always be cognizant of the fact that I'm walking a fine tightrope between helping out too much and abandoning her. I'd want her to know that even when she makes bad choices, I still love her and want to help her. But I'd also want her to understand and be responsible for the results of her actions.

I would never kick her out of the house for it. (Exception being if for some reason she was having a horrible influence on my other kids...)

A son would be different, purely because he probably wouldn't have custody of the baby if s/he was kept. So he could shrug off all responsibility easily. With a son, I think I would make ground rules about contributing a certain amount of money to the mother for the baby's care (which would mean working for it), and hopefully taking on some childcare responsibilities as the baby gets older and needs to nurse less (unless the baby is taking a bottle, in which case it would start earlier).

Ruchel

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:21 am

To me the best chance is to have parents, even imperfect ones, and if possible your natural parents. I am very pro adoption when parents are dead, or missing, or abusive, or the child would starve, will maybe adopt personally, but a 16 yr old mom is no reason to give up. Or maybe if I can adopt the grandchild, but then she'll still be in contact with him, so it doesn't help her, right?
If it's about laziness, I'm ready to do all the work as if it was mine, to prevent it from going to strangers. That's what family is for.

I wouldn't support or allow under my roof any abortion unless medical, and no giving away either. Sorry, the child did nothing, and it's 50% you, and it's also my grandchild. I plan IYH to teach girls and boys to value life more than anything.

zigi

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:22 am

when I saw the title I was also thinking about the show. I like watching the birth part.

alot of the teen moms also are children of teen moms. one of them strongly encouraged her dd to give the baby up for adoption. b/c she wanted her dd to have a better life.

its interesting when the teens are asked why didn't you use protection, they said I don't like it. or I didn't think that it could happen to us.