A Heartfelt Request to All Parents

amother

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 5:29 am

To Everyone

The ones who really need to read this letter are probably not on here. Nonetheless, what I have to say is a lesson to us all.

I have a beautiful ds, ka"h, who just started yeshiva at age 13. He's a great kid, intelligent, sweet, sensitive and gifted, who has managed to get through a difficult childhood and is b"H doing very well.

Last night, my ds called me in tears to tell me that the boys in his yeshiva had "found out what his father did." (I don't wish to say what, and it's really immaterial.) And now they are giving him a hard time. His tears mingled with mine as he told me that the boy who told everyone is a boy from our neighborhood. The rather public breakdown of my marriage was sadly known to all and I guess his parents didn't know how to be quiet in front of their ds and needless to say chewed our lives over at the Shabbos table along with their cholent. They also never taught their ds that a child of divorce is not a bad person and not someone to laugh at and to treat like garbage.

My ds was devastated and upset. In the end, he called his father who was able to calm him better than me. But then the one who caused the damage is the one who needs to fix it. ... (And to his father's credit, he said to him that his sins are not my son's.)

Why am I writing this? Because apart from my huge worries for my gentle, sensitive ds, who has just started his path in yeshiva, and whom I pray will survive it, I have a request to all parents:
- Please don't tell lurid stories and juicy pieces of loshen hara in front of your children. Why do you think they aren't listening?
- Please explain to your children that the kids that they know who come from divorced or "different" homes are not nebbechs and are certainly not responsible for the actions of their parents.
- Words can kill. I am extremely worried about my ds because he sounded so broken. And 13 is a vulnerable age. And rejection from a yeshiva is a very dangerous thing.

So far, this ds has done so well and he has come through the trauma of a breakup etc so well. And now I'm so scared that ch'v some wicked, cruel words could undo what years of effort and growth on his part had accomplished. He doesn't want me to speak to the hanhola at this point, but if things get worse ch'v, I will have to. What a hard thing for a young boy to have to bear! Hasn't he suffered enough?!!!

So please teach your children that kids like mine are not responsible for the actions of their parents. And the sins of the fathers should NOT be visited on the children

Yours

A Mother Who is Right Now in a Lot of Pain for Her Son

Simcha100

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 6:24 am

May your ds and other children- if you have- grow stronger and better with any challenge they have to face. May he not have to suffer anymore for his father's doings. My dh and I both come from divorced homes. I can tell you for myself that I am who I am today because of everything I went through up to now- good and bad-and so are we all- B"H I am happy with how I have turned out so far, of course like everyone still trying to go up my ladder...

Sweet Valley Gal

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 8:38 am

Im so terribly sorry abt your situation. My heart goes out to your poor young innocent son. Thank you for the reminder to be careful abt what we say, not just in front of our children, but even to each other.

Hashem should help your son get thru this and pull out of it even greater and stronger than before the news came out. You should have siyatta dishmaya in eveything.

Hugs

amother

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 8:46 am

I, too, feel along with you and hope everything will turn out good iyh. I feel that you should have informed the hanhola before he entered about his situation. I gather they know, anyhow. My feeling is: to call his rebbi and hanhola, not in a complaining mode, but rather to make them aware of the situation. They need to guage him to try to have him "shteig away" in spite of his difficult situation. May Hashem be with you, and may you have lots of nachas of him iyh.

life'sgreat

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 9:35 am

Ouch. Your pain is palpable in your post. I'm sorry you're dealing with this added (and unnecessary) situation. Is it possible to teach your son some lines that he can respond with to show the other boys that he's confident and will NOT allow them to denigrate him over this? I think putting confidence into him can go a long way that will help him not only now, but in the long run.

amother

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 9:46 am

Being that I come from a "broken" home, I would like to comment. For starters, I agree with the poster who said to talk to his rosh yeshiva and his magid shiur too. Secondly, if your kids are not in therapy, please, please get them into therapy asap. My father so proudly proclaims, still today, that he raised us kids on his own, without ever sending us to therapy! It took me a long time, actually to the point of already starting to marry off my kids, to tell him how wrong he did! The ones suffering today, is not him, but us, and mostly, our spouses. It is just not fair! Look into the future and maybe it is not the normal everyday thing you want to put your kids thru, but if you put them thru a divorce for whatever reason, and I'm sure there are good ones, please get them to a therapist asap. They will thank you later on! Signed, a mother today who should have been in therapy as a child, for the divorce of her parents, and wasn't.

amother

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 9:56 am

OP here.

Thanks for all the responses.

To answer a few questions:
1. The yeshiva does know that he is from a "broken" home and some of the sordid details as there was no choice but to tell them at the beginning.
2. All my kids had therapy for about two years. Now I am watching them and dealing with the problems that arise. I still do family therapy on my own to get professional advice on parenting them.

He called me before and he sounded more upbeat, which was good to hear.

But I wanted everyone to know and to understand the pain that others cause kids like mine with misguided attitudes, loshen hara and cruel words. For no one realizes what they do.

amother

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 11:36 am

Thank you, op. This is a long overdue letter. I am a child of divorced parents. My parents divorced in the most mechubedig way (if you can call it that...). No horrible sins- both respectable people. And yet, I suffered. I cried (and cry now, as I write) hard when I read your letter. I'm seeing flashbacks of my childhood. I have a friend (from those days) who is unfortunately going through a divorce, and I'm having a hard time feeling rachmanus. I am normally a very compassionate and sensitive person (maybe because of my past), but here with this friend all I can think is 'so now you feel it, huh?'. I don't know what to tell you op, but I think you should do something. I'm probably the wrong person to give you advice now, because I'm too worked up, but I will tell you what I'm thinking. I personally would probably call up those PARENTS themselves and tell them very calmly, but without hiding my pain, what you wrote in the letter. Or mail them such a letter. True, the hanhala might be able to help, but it's obvious that the kids got their 'education' at home. Their parents are obviously 'capable' of 'teaching'. Let them. And I don't see the problem if they hear that you know that they talk about you. Ask them to think about your son, and fix whatever they can by talking to their kids. Their kids should NOT know that you spoke to their parents. If you can't trust that the kids will not find out that you spoke to their parents than it's better not to contact them about this at all. Your ds will possibly suffer more if those kids know and that chance is not worth taking.

Life'sgreat gave great (probably the best) advice.

Again, op, thank you for bringing this issue to light. Few things beat awareness.

amother

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 12:51 pm

It seems to be a trend that parents feel it's ok to talk about anything infront of their children or to their children. Recently, someone approached my mother (who has had alot of tzoros) and said "oh _____ told me you have had so much tzar with this and this. " My mother couldn't believe this woman heard it from my mother's best friends daughter. What my mother says to her best friend should stay between them. This best friend apologized for her daughter and not herself when she was the one who is wrong. People have to really watch what they say and maybe we will merit Moshiach coming.

amother

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 1:33 pm

amother wrote:

Why is it only a problem in front of or to the children? It is wrong to discuss other people's business, PERIOD. If these parents were careful PERIOD, their children wouldn't have heard (and discussed further what they heard). You can't 'be careful' to only commit an aveira halfway...

chamco

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 3:04 pm

I hope things do go well in for your son and it passes over in Yeshiva. I appreciate that you turned you pain into something positive by writing this not as a complaint but with concrete and important advice to all of us out there. It will definitely be on my mind! I hope I never did discuss lashon hara, but a poignant reminder always helps, and I will discuss extra sensitivity with my children because of your letter.

kaffe

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 4:21 pm

OP, youre letter was truly beautiful and eloquent. Thank you so much for putting your thoughts into words (as painful as im sure it was) and making us all think twice before opening our mouths in front of our children. May the zchus of all the Loshon Hara and Motzei Shem Ra that you stopped be a zchus for your children to be spared any more experiences such as this.

dGirl

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 10:21 pm

OP, if you feel comfortable lending some empathy to a mother in a similar situation, please PM me.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Hashem should give you the koach to get through your nisyonos.

ora_43

Mon, Jan 17 2011, 4:48 pm

I am so sorry Sad

. I hope your ds will get through it OK, and that the boys in his yeshiva will treat him better in the future.

It may not have been the kid's parents who gossiped though. If it was public knowledge he could have heard it elsewhere (I know that once when I was in school a couple of kids learned something about my family from... me embarrassed

. I was talking to a friend and wasn't careful about who was listening in). I agree that parents should be careful, and shouldn't even gossip to each other, let alone in front of the kids.

koalamum

Mon, Jan 17 2011, 7:00 pm

OP! Your letter is amazing. Not once did I see you bashing your ex.you don't seem to accentuate on any bitterness. Your concern is purely for your son's sake.
I hope your son and other children rise above their challanges. You seem to be doing a fantastic job, by doing what is best for them......
Chazak v'ematz!!

sneakermom

Mon, Jan 17 2011, 7:53 pm

If we all just had a little more self discipline and heart how much pain could be avoided!

OP you sound like a very strong woman and I bet your son has absorbed a lot of that strength from you. I am heartened to hear that he was able to express his pain to his father, and that his father was able to validate his feelings and take the responsibility away from him.

So he has the support of his parents. I would discuss with DS that no matter how much people talk it's just talk. It's stupidity. What people really pay attention to is his kindness, personality and the way he interacts with people. The more he is okay with himself the more others will follow that lead and be okay with him. He gets to set the tone.

Gossip and gossipers come and go, today about him tomorrow about someone else. As long as we are alive gossip will exist tell him that it's a pointless endeavor for him to waste his energy and concern about that. In the end the real people, the people who matter, don't gossip and are available to him to make connections with and he should spend time with them.

Maybe point out to him other famous or successful people who went through challenges when they were young and grew and became something great when they grew up despite it all.

Wishing you and your son hatzlacha.

Chalupta

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 4:36 pm

amother wrote:

From one divorcee to another, oh how my heart goes out to you!!! Whether we like it or not, too many members of our communities look upon us and our children as outsiders because we are divorced. Then, when we have been divorced and have not remarried after two or three years, they look at us with even more judgment. Little do any of them know of our struggles, of the heartache, of the pain that we and our children have had to endure. You're right - they have no right to judge or speak about us or our children. You're right!!! I join your crusade and hope that somehow our voice will be heard - and if you talkers out there are going to yack about our broken families, then at least PLEASE do not do it in front of your children! Walls and wooden doors are thin - they will stretch to hear you. Please don't talk about us or our kids!

But I will also say to you, my fellow survivor of bad break-ups, that adversity is what makes us and our children stronger. It is unfortunately the only opportunities we have to exercise our bitachon and our strengths. It is the only way we can learn, mold, and become better and stronger. The same goes for our kids. If you will be a stronghold for your boy, he will persevere and only come out with greater tools to deal with life's challenges. We all have our own "pekle," including our kids. Do not fear; just be there for your son, let him talk to you, share with you, vent to you, and derive strength from you. And for sure you must be strong as here you are making it on your own!

You can do this! Do not be afraid.

Chalupta

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 4:39 pm

amother wrote:

GOOD POINT!!! They have no business talking LOSHON HARA about anyone PERIOD!

bashinda

Tue, Jan 25 2011, 10:32 pm

Wow. How horrible how so easy someone can cause someone else agmas nefesh and not even know it. I listened to a shiur on Loshen Hara on Naaleh (Rabbi Ginsburg) and I remember he was talking about this exact point; people talking about other people and not only that but at the Shabbos table even. So horrible. Crying

I'm also a child of divorced parents, and I had parents who broke every rule in the divorce book (don't say bad things about your ex to your children, don't tell your children to lie to your ex etc etc) and I'm so impressed at how mentchlich you mention your ex. Hashem should help your DS through this tough situation and b'ezras Hashem he should give you Yiddishe nachas.