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I hate my 6 year old son!
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:12 am
I'm so tired. He's always whining, mostly for no reason, never satisfied, you give him a cookie he wants 2. Always more. He's almost never happy. I try to do everything I can with him. I do not know what to do anymore so he would be happy. Other kids are getting ignored because he has to dominate everything.

I just don't know WHAT to do anymore!
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yummymummy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:15 am
woah! HATE is a very strong word, please change it.

what you're describing is extreme frustration, not hate.
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yummymummy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:17 am
can you tell us what you've tried so far to modify this behavior? have you ignored the whining and shown him that it accomplishes nothing or do you end up giving in? have you tried time outs? have you tried a reward system for good behavior? there are lots of ways to fix this, we just need to know what you've done so far that hasn't worked.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:27 am
OP here:
You are right, wrong chose of words.

I've tried the time-outs (he'd just trash the whole room, not pick up, even when threatened not to be able to come out until he does), ignoring the whining, but there is only so much one can handle (at least me). Reward, chart, stickers, doesn't work, he simply doesn't care, at some point he'll care about stickers, but that's only for a few minutes and that's gone. Sometimes he seems to be getting better, opens up more, listens, he could be a real sweetheart, but other times, it's like he gets possessed. Calling me names (rare but happens), saying things like "I'll break this house" or "nobody loves me", which is so not true. Everything is always done for him.
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yummymummy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:32 am
Is this new behavior or has he always acted like this?
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:38 am
He's always been whiny and needy, but lately, about 4-5 months now he's become like a leach, just sucking all the energy and koach out of me. In school he almost always hits someone, probably because he's not able to express himself well. His teachers are recommending ritalin, neurologist said, he needs more therapy, the school wants me to go to a different specialist, at first I was against the idea, now I'm thinking maybe I should. Maybe ritalin is the answer. Thank you for listening. It helps. I just need a recharge.
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maofboys




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:41 am
I have a 5 1/2 year old boy and I think it goes in phases. he could be great for 3 or 4 months, (like really great. helping picking up toys with out being asked...) then 3 or 4 months where he is such trouble I don't understand it. If this behavior is coming out of nowhere maybe he is coming down with a virus or something. but if it is one of these 4 month periods of craziness, just try and stay calm and repeat no yelling, no saying bad words, no throwing toys... over and over and remember he will grow out of it, but you need to model good behavior so it doesn't stay like this forever.
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yummymummy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:41 am
I don't see how it could hurt to try a different therapist/specialist. If the treatment prescribed by the current one is not effective perhaps someone with a different approach will get better results.
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maofboys




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:44 am
ritalin is not a tool to help him cope. if he is having trouble communicating ritalin will not help him learn to express himself, if will just help everyone around him not have to deal with it. I think it is necessary in some cases but only if it is a means to an ends not the cure itself.
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Capitalchick




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:53 am
Without knowing more about the background of the tests that have been done on your son, it's hard to advise.
But, if you have had your son evaluated by psychologists/counsellors or other trained professionals and they have indicated to you that he truly does have Attention Deficit problems, then I would highly recommend some form of medication.
Yes, there are WAY too many kids on those kinds of drugs today.
Yes, there are many parents who use those drugs as a way to get 'perfect' kids, instead of just learning to parents better.
BUT…that doesn't mean that the OP is one of those parents. If your child really does have one of those disorders, then the medication really can help.
My brother had severe ADD from a very young age. He is now well into adulthood, and he was diagnosed when absolutely no one knew what ADD was. Even his doctor had a meeting with my family to discuss the fact that she was very unfamiliar with this disorder, as the research was so new on it (this was well over 20 years ago!). Anyway, my brother was a classic case of ADD, and he went on ritalin and it made a massive difference. It truly was magic…until he decided (at 11) that he just didn't want to take it anymore, and then he stopped, and then the issues started up again.
If you use medication properly (ie. Don't overdose the kid just so that he's an 'angel' all the time), then there's nothing wrong (and in fact, there's a lot RIGHT) with giving him medication.

I totally feel for you. Children like your son are a huge handfull and I really can understand why you're so overwhelmed. It sounds to me like your son is reacting to something - either a psychological or emotional issue that goes well beyond just being 'bad boy' and misbehaving. You're very strong and should be commended for doing what's necessary to get to the bottom of this. Don't give up. Keep searching until you find a problem. And in the mean time, don't alienate him and cause any deeper psychological issues by letting him know HOW frustrated you are with him.

While I totally sympathize with my parents over their insane frustration with my brother since childhood, now in adulthood I can see that he suffered a lot because of their reaction to his misbehaviour. It's a vicious cycle that's hard to break, but so important! Best of luck!
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Capitalchick




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:02 am
Also, if you haven't already done so, I would highly recommend reading NON-JEWISH parenting books about dealing with children with ADHD and stuff like that. It's not that the Jewish ones are bad, but it's very limiting to only read the Jewish ones. You'd be missing out on some excellent books that could really help you.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:25 am
I had an extreme whiny kid. From when she entered this world till she was 5 years old she hadn't shut her mouth. When she went into pre-1-A she had super teachers and also started learning more heavily, she finally stopped the whining. Occupying their empty brains might help. Like the above poster said, Ritalin will make everybody else's life easier so nobody will have to deal with it.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:39 am
Op, I could've written your post several years ago, including the word "hate".
When they such every ounce of strength out of you, and all the other children's needs are on the back burner, cause this one takes precedence, it is hard to use the word love.
I took my son for evaluations, he was NOT ADD.
That did not make my life any easier.
Fast-forward he is now in his high teens, and not any easier. He does not break things or stampede or tantrum, but he is a teen at risk, who is still sucking every last drop of strength from us.
I wish there were answers.
I don't think we could have done anything MORE for him than we did.
This is just an empathy post. I understand your frustration. I hope you find answers.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:42 am
I had a very unhappy, whiney kid. Over the last few months it majorly changed. I started with mega-doses of love and time. I kiss him at least once a day (which I hadn't until then), play a game with him when he comes home, I spend time with him in bed, shmoozing, him telling me about his hardships in school..., me telling him how much I love him, what parts of his personality I love. After the first few days like that, I told him one night that I would love if he would come nicely and tell me when he needs something instead of whining. I told him I'll remind him nicely and he should try also, because it's so delicious to have a happy mommy and you (the child) happy.

It took a lot of work, I tried to tell him nicely when he was getting tough, "Talk to me Ari. Calm down. I'm hear to listen. Remember?" But most importantly our home has become much, much happier.

In fact he recently told one of my siblings when she was arguing with her 3 year old, "You know, my Mommy used to hit and yell at me whenever I wasn't good. But not anymore". I almost cried from happiness!
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:48 am
Please get John Rosemond's books, check him online.
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:49 am
I don't know the whole story here, but based on my experiences with my own whiny, difficult 6 year old, I would say that there are a few things that can help:

1- First and foremost, LOVE. Children sense when their parents have had enough of them and they feel a need to test you again and again. Make sure to show him a lot of love on a regular basis. This includes cuddling, reading books, asking him about his day and listening and commenting when he answers, spending time alone with him once a week or so, anything that will show him that you enjoy his company. Remember: when a child deserves a hug the least, that's when he needs it the most.

As an added plus, quality time will help you learn to appreciate his good side again, instead of just be frustrated when he acts up. Showing love will come more naturally as you start to feel the affection more strongly again.

2- Treatment. I agree that getting a second opinion would be a good move. Ritalin should be used if necessary, and only if necessary. Therapy can be a big help, and to maximize the affects, you should be communicating regularly with his therapists, asking for advice, and putting their tips into practice as much as possible.

3- Consistency. When your child asks for something, you know that saying no will cause a tantrum. If you think you will be tempted to give in to his whining, then just let him have what he wants from the start. Once you choose to say no, there is no turning back. You must stick with what you've told him. If he feels a need to kick and scream, just go into a different room and do something else. When he's finished tanruming, you can go back to him, give him a hug and a kiss, and help him transition to something more pleasant. The key is not to change your mind because of a tantrum.

4- Read parenting books or listen to parenting tapes. R' Yaakov Horowitz has great tapes that can be helpful. One of my favorite parenting books is "Raising Roses Among the Thorns", by R' Noach Orlowick.
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:51 am
amother wrote:
I had a very unhappy, whiney kid. Over the last few months it majorly changed. I started with mega-doses of love and time. I kiss him at least once a day (which I hadn't until then), play a game with him when he comes home, I spend time with him in bed, shmoozing, him telling me about his hardships in school..., me telling him how much I love him, what parts of his personality I love. After the first few days like that, I told him one night that I would love if he would come nicely and tell me when he needs something instead of whining. I told him I'll remind him nicely and he should try also, because it's so delicious to have a happy mommy and you (the child) happy.

It took a lot of work, I tried to tell him nicely when he was getting tough, "Talk to me Ari. Calm down. I'm hear to listen. Remember?" But most importantly our home has become much, much happier.

In fact he recently told one of my siblings when she was arguing with her 3 year old, "You know, my Mommy used to hit and yell at me whenever I wasn't good. But not anymore". I almost cried from happiness!

Great post. I'm glad things worked out so well for you, amother.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:53 am
OP here
Thank you very much for your replies. I've been suggested Omega 3. We'll be trying that now.
B'ezrat Hashem it'll work out for the best. I was just very very upset at the time I wrote the post.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:56 am
Someone recently told me that they child reacts horribly to certain additives (red dye #40 being one of them) and its rather prevalent.

You may want to read up on dietary changes that can help. She took him off foods with red dye in it and some other additives (I think MSG also) and her she said her son is like a totally different person.
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elle81




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 28 2011, 11:53 am
ne of my favorite parenting books is "Raising Roses Among the Thorns", by R' Noach Orlowick.
could u tell me where I could buy that? sounds intressting?
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