My kids told me I'm a mean mommy!!!

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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zkalan

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 11:10 am

@Oranges, really good advice, what are the ages of your kids?

Oh and I get a "You don't love me" number from my 6 year old ds, but seems like he's caught on that it doesn't work on me anymore Smile

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 11:13 am

DD will refuse to say hello or to give a kiss to make me give in. Doesn't work, and if I have to repeat too much, I punish.

superjew

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 11:22 am

@ Oranges, great post! I agree with pressuring children to clean up. It isn't something THEY have to do. Its great discipline to teach them that tidying up is important, but you helping them is showing them by example as well as taking the pressure off.

I also think when children say those things they are testing you, trying to push your buttons for some sort of response. Its either that or they are trying to express their anger/frustration/sadness.
Depending on when/why they say it. Thats why I like grip's post. She spoke to her children as opposed to just ignoring their outburst. Again, it depends when/why they say it. If they are just prancing around & feel like saying it to see your reaction, then I'd probably ignore it since they'll get bored of the no response & drop if after a few times. But if its some sort of expression then I'd discuss it with them. Explain it isn't acceptable & respectful to say it & come up with a solution to their TRUE feelings.

gryp

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 12:11 pm

You really have to know your child. With mine, I knew something was up because he had been acting out of character. On one hand I was glad to see it because he's always been "the good kid" and I needed him to try out the "difficult child" role now as a 5 year old and not keep it all inside until he hits the teen years. On the other hand, I needed to figure out exactly what was bothering him and deal with it effectively. My main objective was that he feel understood and loved (besides for fixing whatever difficulty he's having).

Re: chutzpah, I find that demanding respect does not make children respect you. If anything it has the opposite effect. On the other hand, they need to learn that they must show respect and how they must do that. So it's a tricky balance. I try and emphasize what they should do to show respect/honor and not nitpick on what they're doing wrong. So I will not punish for chutzpah unless it is obviously deliberate. My oldest has an expressive speech issue and when he speaks, I don't care much how it comes out, I'm just glad he's talking. I need to hear what he's thinking so I can get inside his mind and communicate with him. He's improved by leaps and bounds and so by now I can ask him to repeat whatever it is more respectfully, and he is usually capable of it. If not, I phrase it for him and he says it the right way, and we move on. But since this has been going on for years now, my next two oldest assumed it was okay to say whatever you want however it comes out. Those two are very advanced in their verbal communication and so I expect more from them, and by now they've learned. I don't punish them either but I do demand that they speak respectfully. And sometimes they don't know how to phrase it and so I help them out too.

superjew

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 12:21 pm

I agree with grip again. Demanding respect is wrong to a certain degree. Being a parent is SO hard because people forgets that teaching a child is mostly being a role model. So we need to respect them & respect our spouse (& others) so they can see how its done. "practice before we preach" Is SOO important. That was my biggest issue growing up. However, its so hard & scary.
No one is perfect, especially children who are still figuring out the world. So when we slip up & do make a mistake we apologize to our spouse, other or child. This teaches them respect as well.
There is such a fine line with discipline that its scary to cross. However the biggest thing we need to remember is that A-we need to act the way we want our children to act ++ & B- they are humans too, even though they are children they are humans & everything they do has some sort of meaning & THAT is what we need to direct our response to.

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 12:26 pm

Demanding respect is enforcing halacha.

superjew

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 12:31 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Demanding respect is enforcing halacha.

You demand halacha? Or TEACH halacha?

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 12:34 pm

I demand basic respect of the halacha we practice in my house, yes.

To demand something you have to teach it so I don't understand the question.

oranges

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 1:44 pm

zkalan my oldest is 5.

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 1:51 pm

c.c.cookie wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Do you ladies not punish when they speak that way?

Depends what they say. "You ichy mommy" or "You're so mean!" are just children's unsophisticated way of expressing their frustration, and I will not punish for it.
On the other hand, if my son disagrees with what I am saying and says "Nuh uh, you're such a liar!" - that is pure Chutzpah, and I would definitely punish, or at least reprimand, for that.

I agree, and I think it's healthy for kids to be able to express their frustration. Later on, when they are at the "you're the world's best Mommy" stage, I might say to them "remember when you said Mommy was mean? It really made Mommy feel bad". I usually get some really smushy kisses at that point.

I remember when DD was 5, she told me I was mean and she was going to throw me in the lake (the one Lakewood is famous for!) I calmly asked her who was making dinner. Twisted Evil

She was really stumped and decided I could stay!

B"H

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 3:37 pm

it's very normal for kids to say that- they all do at some point, don't take it to heart! Smile

but I want to add something:
I agree that kids need to vent their frustration, but I also agree with ruchel- we still have to teach our kids halacha- that there is a mitzvah of kibbud av vaem and that there are certain ways of speaking- to parents and to anyone, that are not ok.
I think the best way to deal with a situation when a kid is venting frustration is to channel their frustration in an appropriate way. to make a distinction between what's ok and what's not.
for example, if the kid says you're a mean mommy, you can say "I don't like hearing that. we don't insult ppl in this house. if you're upset you can tell me how you feel without insulting." (ex. I'm angry, I'm upset, etc.) that way the kid gets out their frustration without being disrespectful or hurtful and they learn from the experience.
(funny story- when my brother was three, he told my mother "you're a mean mommy" so she said- I don't want to hear that- you can tell me how you feel. so my brother said, "I feel... I feel that you're a mean mommy!!!" Smile

ok maybe he was a bit young for that distinction Smile

)

gryp

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 5:04 pm

I don't think anyone said not to teach your kids about kibbud av v'aim.

Petra

Tue, Mar 08 2011, 9:54 am

My DC do get frustrated and voice it. But I draw the line when they use the term "hate". I can understand when they say "I don't like you". I can understand and it is probably true at the time that they don't like me. Oh well. But hate is an emotion that they misunderstand and something that they can get in the habit even as they get older, of claiming.

Expressing frustration in one thing but exclaiming, I hate this, I hate that, I hate you, I hate her/him is a pet peeve of mine and something I re-educate them on at the get go. It does, albeit slowly at times, get them thinking, how they really feel...

israelgirl

Thu, Jun 18 2015, 12:28 pm

amother wrote:

I usually tell them that they are right and that I am the absolute meanest mommy in the world, this usually gets them giggling, lightens the mood, they end up doing what I want and I didn't have to punish them!!!

Hilarious. Anyone have their kids saying, "Mommy, you're 'dada'!" (it's a big insult supposedly) Each time my kids say it I get all excited and start clapping and saying ye! I'm dada! I'm dada!. They get veryyy confused lol. No but Mommy, you DADA! Changes the atmosphere.

OP, they love you regardless-mean mommy or "nice" mommy.

naturalmom5

Thu, Jun 18 2015, 12:30 pm

OP then you're doing a very good job
It's not a popularity contest

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jun 18 2015, 12:39 pm

When my kids tell me im a mean mommy, I tell them that I feel sorry for them and to run and get the class list so we can go through the names and they can pick a new mom. They usually back track pretty quickly. As others mentioned, it's just their way of expressing frustration. It's hard to be a kid and be told what to do all day.

mummiedearest

Thu, Jun 18 2015, 12:45 pm

when they tell me I'm mean, I tell them I'm doing my job. kids say things like this all the time. don't let it get to you.

israelgirl

Thu, Jun 18 2015, 12:53 pm

OP-looks like you have great company in the "mean mommy" club.

MagentaYenta

Thu, Jun 18 2015, 1:03 pm

Help your children find works to express their emotions/feelings. It will pay off in the long run. If a child tells you that you are a 'mean mommy' ask some clarifying questions. 'Schlomo, why do you think Mommy is mean?" and take it from there.

be good

Thu, Jun 18 2015, 3:09 pm

ancient post alert!

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