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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 8:21 am
I have a 7 year old brother that is afraid to make a bowel movement. A bit background... He's the youngest child and my parents don't have the energy to deal with it. My parents home is a very, very stressful home. My Dad had a stroke about 3 yrs ago and he's become a very different person (Very anxious, easily irritable and very frum - on the obsessed spectrum.. He's the most loving Dad and I'll always love him to death..But my Mom gets the brunt of his obsessions and anxiety - his outbursts are VERY unpleasant.). My mom works and is a strong dynamic woman, and has a flaring temper (and a huge forgiving heart) but Dad rubs her the wrong way and really pushes her buttons..on most days there are fireworks in that home. They fight all the time and my brothers bathroom 'issues' are driving them more apart then ever. They blame each other, yell, and are basically frustrated to wits end. Instead of dealing with it the right way they are just angry. They did try talking to him lovingly and bribe him etc, but it didn't work (probably because the didn't have the perseverance and patience.). Out of sheer frustration, coupled with the constant dirty laundry, and oy, the unpleasant odor,(I'm being polite..) they end up yelling at him, occasionally potching, and oftentimes embarrassing him in public when we married siblings come over with his adorable nieces and nephews. What he does is, he pushes back his need to relieve himself till its almost outside. His underwear gets dirty, and the smell is highly unpleasant, to say the least. At the very last minute, he will run to the bathroom - use an ENTIRE box of wipes and clean himself off as best as his 7 year old hands can. But alas... The same thing will repeat itself in a half hour. Basically he's all day in the bathroom, wiping and cleaning. My brother is an ANGRY little boy that's almost impossible to deal with. At times he can be so sweet and lovable that I cry for the pain he is in. I think this issue is destroying him. In 2 ways - in his relationship with my parents and in his self-esteem. He's literally all day scheduling bathroom trips. (In cheder he somehow controls himself - poor kid... None of the kids would stand next to him if he didn't...) Sorry I'm rambling on... But I want to paint the full picture... So basically, to sum it up; his issue I presume is purely psychological and he needs real help. In addition, my parents need help in how to deal with him (and probably how to communicate with each other, but that is in and of itself an entire different sad topic.) One more pointer - my brother is yiddish speaking. He understands English fully but doesn't speak it well enough. I think for someone to reach through him, yiddish speaking is a must. Anyone advice or recommendations will be hugely appreciated. Thank you for listening.
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anon for this




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 8:34 am
I'm sure another poster will come along who has more insight--but is it possible that there's a physical problem too, like maybe he's constipated? If so, then his trying to hold it in, whether due to stress or because he's afraid of the pain, can aggravate the problem. If that's the case, a change in diet can help in the long term, and in the short and medium-term, a laxative may be a good idea.
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cc




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 8:36 am
My 6 yr old dd has a similar issue. According to the dr its common in this age group. Its a physical problem. He doesnt have physical control of his bowels. He probably doesnt have the sensation of needing to go. You should be in touch with a dr.
One thing we started is making set times to sit on the toilet. 3 times a day, sit for ten minutes with an adult giving her attention. This trains her body to 'go' on the toilet and gives her the attention she is craving. It really works. We're going to start a medicine after pesach to help recognize the feelings of needing to go. Up his fiber intake. Do not make him feel bad bec its not his fault same as a sick kid vomiting; gross, smelly, but not his fault. Poor kid.
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MeadowsLane




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 8:51 am
What you are describing is a condition called encopresis. It has both a physical and a psychological/emotional component. I would definitely address this with his pediatrician, does he/she speak yiddish? Perhaps he can also suggest a good psychologist for him to see.
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life'sgreat




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 10:21 am
Are you in the NY/NJ area? There's a doctor who treats/helps kids with these issues that has had 100% success if you follow his program. It seems to me like your parents might not be up to doing the program, but perhaps your mom would be willing to try it? His name is Dr Fred Daum and he's in Long Island.

A relative of mine has this issue (but he's older than that) and they've tried many different things, but almost nothing worked and if something did work, it was for a short period of time. The bottom line is that your brother is dealing with a LOT of stress and pain and anger and this is his way of feeling in control. I think you need to first rule out any physical issues (which the above mentioned doctor does as well, he's a pediatric gastroenterologist), and then you move on to the emotional aspect. He needs therapy to help him learn to deal with the anxiety and stresses of his little life. He is living in a situation where he feels that he has no control and this is his way of coping. A child therapist can do wonders in helping him learn coping techniques.

Regarding the bathroom issue as of now - is it possible to set up a routine for him so that he doesn't struggle so much? The smell really is awful and at his age, he should know how to clean himself up without adult intervention, but that shouldn't mean he needs to spend hours in the bathroom. Have enough pants and briefs on hand for him to change as needed. This relative bought the cheapest briefs and had him throw away the briefs as the smell and mess was just so awful. Get a diaper genie and have him dump the briefs in that, change his underwear and pants, and have him clean himself up by taking a quick shower each time. The headache of needing to do that might also deter him to some degree. He needs to learn to be 100% responsible for his mess, but the time he spends taking care of himself if he wasn't taught properly must make him a lot more stressed/anxious.

Feel free to ask any questions if needed.
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sarahmalka




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 4:40 pm
Not much to add to the excellent advice above. Just wanted to say best of luck to your family...
Also, make sure to tell your brother that he is not alone, there are other kids who have had the same problem and he WILL get better.
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thatgirl




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 4:46 pm
Does it hurt him to go and that is why he is holding it in? Does he not go no matter where he is?
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sneakermom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 6:09 pm
I think lifesgreat has great advice. I would also recommend play therapy for him, and there are therapist's out there that do speak yiddish. He needs counseling as this does sound like a psychological reaction to stress.

Wishing you hatzlachah!
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life'sgreat




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 8:42 pm
Just wanted to add: the fact that he can control himself while in school points towards this being emotional (but again, you still need to rule out physical issues).

I also want to stress again on the point that he must be taught to clean up after himself. Obviously everyone wants this to just 'go away', but having him struggle with the cleanup and the uncomfortability/humiliation isn't going to help him in any way. Someone needs to do this with him, when he's clean. Go through the routine, step by step on how he should clean himself up.

Also, you, as his sister can help build his confidence, love him, give him the feeling that you really care about him. It can make a big difference in his life.
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rydys




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 9:59 pm
This sounds purely emotional. The poor child is suffering by living in a dysfunctional home and trying desparately to control any little bit of his life that he can. I doubt there is a physical problem, and I doubt that this is the only manifestation of his psychological pain.

Please encourage your parents to get him into counseling ASAP. If you are in NY, the Jewish Council has many yiddish speaking therapists who are excellent. Ohel can be very helpful as well in any difficult home situation.

Again, please get him the help that he needs now, before he ends up with more issues than bowel control.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Apr 10 2011, 11:55 pm
Oy, I feel for the little boy. My daughter dealt w something that may be related to yourbrothers situation. It hurt to have a bowel movement,so she held it infor as long as she could till she became extremely constipatef, eventually, it turned into diareah because the body needed to get rid of it somehow. Then the cycle repeated itself with trying not to have a bm.
I worked w a pediatric gastro, she took stool softener every day, with lots of pottytime w stories. It helped tremendously.


I like lifes greats ideas! Give ur brother the tools he needs to get over it. Ur a really special sister.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Apr 11 2011, 9:40 am
OP,

I think its great you are so worried. This problem defines my 15 y.o. Bil. Its horrible. Please don't let it get this bad.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Apr 11 2011, 7:09 pm
OP, this may sound crazy, but what if you offered for him to come and stay wiyh you for a while?
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