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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Is it okay to confront the kid who's bullying my kid?
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 1:50 pm
The parents are so uninvolved in what goes on with their kids. I left 2 messages that aren't getting returned. The school has tried to deal with it, but it's a recurring problem. I know where this kid waits when I pick my son up at school, so I could easily approach him myself. He's a 4th grader picking on my 1st grader. He is the stereotypical bully, taking my son's snack at school, kicking him for no reason, and calls him terrible names that my son doesn't even understand. Is it okay for me to approach him. And even threaten/scare him (as in, if you touch my child again, I'll involve the police)? I'm at my wit's end.
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 1:54 pm
Unfortunately, no. I know the feeling you're having, but you wouldn't want an adult coming up to your 4th grade son.
There must be a way got the teachers and principal to solve this issue. The only way I would say it would be okay for you to speak to this 4th grader is in a meeting with his teacher. And even that is as a last resort.
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Mystery Woman




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 2:01 pm
I don't agree. I think it's totally ok to go to the bully and tell him not to ever touch your kid or any of his stuff. Unfortunately, sometimes it's the only thing that works.

I wrote about my kid being bullied here. B"h it never got to a point where I had to confront the kid, but I would have.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 2:09 pm
The school must become more proactive. Whether the parents are uninvolved or simply overwhelmed, the school is going to have to push this issue higher on everyone's list of priorities.

Start by requesting an immediate meeting. Not the end of the week; not next week; today or tomorrow morning at the latest. Be calm, polite, and forceful. Emphasize that you have tried to handle this situation, but all efforts have failed and a solution must be reached. If school administrators claim they can't meet because of conflicts, offer to meet in the evening. Emphasize that the situation has reached a crisis point and no further delay can be made.

The meeting should involve you, your DH, the school administrators, and any teachers/therapists they wish to include. Arrive at the meeting with a list of incidents, including times, places, and to whom the problem was reported.

Ask the school to let you know how they plan to proceed. Explain that under normal circumstances, you would allow them to handle the problem as they see fit, but that the situation has significantly degenerated. Ask them to update you after each planned action is taken (e.g., they should confirm with you when a meeting is schedule with the bully's parents; they should let you know what specific results came out of the meeting, etc.). Emphasize that under no circumstances are you asking them to breach confidentiality or release information to you inappropriately, but that you must have some assurance that action is indeed being taken.

If the school hems and haws or is unwilling to aggressively address this problem, it's time to look for a new school!
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AlwaysGrateful




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 2:15 pm
I'm so glad Fox answered. What she said.

If it STILL doesn't work, though, I would tell them that I'm going to talk to the kid myself, since no one else seems to be talking to him. And then I would. Maybe it's illegal, maybe it's "not fair" to those parents, who knows. But if it were my kid, I would do whatever it took barring physical violence to stop him from being bullied.

(This is assuming that the parents are actually doing nothing. If they're really trying, I would talk with them about whether talking to their son would help before doing so.)
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 2:21 pm
Fox gave really good advice.

I just read about a study that shows that there are a far greater percentage of bullies who are stopped when the school talks to the parents and the bully, compared to when the victim or the parents speak to the bully.

By all means, pressure the school as much as you can. In many states, that kind of bullying is against the law, and puts the school at risk for a lawsuit. They need to take action, and pronto.
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 2:22 pm
Yes it's fine for you to go over and talk to the bully. But dont threaten him, that can make things worse.
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 3:14 pm
Okay, it probably has to do with where you're from. But where I live it's absolutely not okay for an older person to confront a child. Do people do it anyway? I'm sure they do. Is it okay? No way.

ETA: I've seen and heard countless times bigger brothers of a victim going over to the bully to get him to stop bothering their little brother. IMO, it is the same when a parent does it. You can't take advantage of your size and age to teach a child a lesson, who you have no authority over. It isn't a level playing field and therefore not okay.
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Kayza




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 11:56 pm
If the school really wanted to deal with it, it would be dealt with, at least in school.

As for threatening the kid, I doubt you will do any good. What could you threaten him with? You can be sure that he won't be impressed by the threat of police - he knows perfectly well it won't happen. If the parents were in the picture, it would be a different story, but as it is you simply don't have the leverage - neither the school nor the family are working with you.

School is almost out for the year, but you need to find out if there is some way to get the school to take more effective action should this recur next year.
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Kayza




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 13 2011, 11:58 pm
Mystery Woman wrote:
I don't agree. I think it's totally ok to go to the bully and tell him not to ever touch your kid or any of his stuff. Unfortunately, sometimes it's the only thing that works.

It's ok, morally speaking. Practically speaking, though, I don't think it's going to do any good - she has nothing to threaten the kid with, and that's the only thing he's likely to listen to.
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Kayza




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 12:00 am
gryp wrote:
It isn't a level playing field and therefore not okay.
You really think that it;s not ok to use superior strength to defend someone - especially someone they have a responsibility to? Halacha would not agree with you, I think. Look at the din of Rodef, for starters.
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havefaith




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 12:01 am
ye but be gentle.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 12:05 am
The hogwash of a level playing field is just that.....hogwash.
I wonder if the Allied Powers should have warned the Japs in advance about the nuclear bomb and given them a chance at it as well ch"v.
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life'sgreat




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 12:11 am
gryp wrote:
Okay, it probably has to do with where you're from. But where I live it's absolutely not okay for an older person to confront a child. Do people do it anyway? I'm sure they do. Is it okay? No way.

ETA: I've seen and heard countless times bigger brothers of a victim going over to the bully to get him to stop bothering their little brother. IMO, it is the same when a parent does it. You can't take advantage of your size and age to teach a child a lesson, who you have no authority over. It isn't a level playing field and therefore not okay.

Neither is a fourth grader bullying a first grader.

If the school isn't stepping up to the plate, then you, as the parent of the first grader, needs to be the one.

There's nothing wrong in talking to the child about his bullying.

When my son was about 2 years old, there was one neighbor, a boy of about 6 that constantly bullied him. He'd block his way, take away his bike, throw things at him etc... The mother would sit there and do nothing about it. I even spoke to her about it and she just shrugged it off. I went over to the child and warned him to the point of scaring him and he never again dared to touch my son after that.

If we, as parents, can't do as much to protect our little ones, why should others do so?
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 12:32 am
I never said to do nothing. I said to make the school do something.

Nobody has to agree with me but I'm standing firm on this. An adult vs a child is unfair. If any adult came over and tried to discipline my child about anything (and believe me, my kids are the last ones to be bullying anybody), you bet I'd be on fire.

Amother, if you can't differentiate between a World War and a child bully, then you're better off staying away from all kids.
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 12:39 am
Quote:
Neither is a fourth grader bullying a first grader.

And from this we learn to become the bully ourselves?

It's the most helpless feeling in the world when your kid is being bullied and you know that you can stop it because of your size and age, but you still need to do it the right way. Even if you need to pull your kid out of school until it's taken care of. Be proactive, go down to school and raise a ruckus, but you can't confront a child one-on-one.
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Mystery Woman




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 10:04 am
gryp wrote:
I never said to do nothing. I said to make the school do something.

Nobody has to agree with me but I'm standing firm on this. An adult vs a child is unfair. If any adult came over and tried to discipline my child about anything (and believe me, my kids are the last ones to be bullying anybody), you bet I'd be on fire.

Amother, if you can't differentiate between a World War and a child bully, then you're better off staying away from all kids.


gryp...I don't know if a child of yours was ever bullied. I hope not. But you can't know what it's like until you've experienced it. When your kid is being hurt, you will do anything to stop it. I'm not talking about hurting the bully, of course. But just going to the kid and telling him, don't EVER touch my kid again, is perfectly ok.
And Kayza...it does work, very often, even without threats. These bullies are cowards, usually.
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life'sgreat




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 10:19 am
gryp wrote:
I never said to do nothing. I said to make the school do something.

Nobody has to agree with me but I'm standing firm on this. An adult vs a child is unfair. If any adult came over and tried to discipline my child about anything (and believe me, my kids are the last ones to be bullying anybody), you bet I'd be on fire.

Amother, if you can't differentiate between a World War and a child bully, then you're better off staying away from all kids.

It isn't 'adult vs child'. It's a parent protecting their own child. I'm not sure what you think the adult would do, other than talk to the bully. He wouldn't bully said child, but talk to said child.

Regarding you being on fire - obviously, you are a parent that would be there to take care of this, unlike this bully's parents (which is also why this child is most likely bullying others).
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 10:20 am
I agree with gryp.

Doing more to get the school involved could be so much better in the long run. Bullying this other child (which is what you'd be doing, intentionally or not) will just teach him that bullying does work and is a normal approach, and even if he does leave your child alone he'll just turn to a new victim. If the school can be convinced to be more active (have you tried threatening them with police involvement?) they might be able to put a stop to his behavior altogether.
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life'sgreat




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2011, 10:20 am
gryp wrote:
Quote:
Neither is a fourth grader bullying a first grader.

And from this we learn to become the bully ourselves?

It's the most helpless feeling in the world when your kid is being bullied and you know that you can stop it because of your size and age, but you still need to do it the right way. Even if you need to pull your kid out of school until it's taken care of. Be proactive, go down to school and raise a ruckus, but you can't confront a child one-on-one.

Talking to a child = bullying?

You stop it because of your understanding, and responsibility towards your own children. Not because of your size and age.

I see nothing wrong in confronting a child one on one to put a stop to them bullying your own child. And again, I'm not sure what you think this confrontation would look like. Telling a child sternly that they shouldn't DARE to ever touch your child again isn't confronting, or bullying. It's being an authority to a child that's lacking authority.
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