Sending child for a play date when you don't know the people

amother

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 5:15 pm

My 5 year old ds attends a backyard camp. I got a phone call today from another mother asking if my ds would like to come to play tomorrow with her son after camp. I have no idea who this child/woman/family is at all.

I chatted with her for a couple of minutes on the phone (trying to figure out what to say) and then I told her that I'd have to call her back in a little bit. I asked my ds who told me that he loves this kid, so I then called the person who runs the backyard camp and asked her about this family/woman. She said that the child is a great kid and that the mother seems very sweet and "normal", but she doesn't know her well, but she thinks it's fine. She also told me that this mother works at another camp, so I called one or two people who send to that camp and asked if they knew her, but no one did.

I don't know if I'm being a little cuckoo (although I think cuckoo is normal right now given recent events). My gut is telling me that everything will be okay, but I'm still a little nervous, and I'm not sure what the right thing is to do.

PinkandYellow

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 5:23 pm

Don't blame you for being careful, esp at a time like this, no such thing as 'too' careful. How about having that child come to you for the playdate initially, if that would work for you? In that way you can meet the mother when she picks up her son from you and then take it from there.
Good luck!

Barbara

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 5:27 pm

At 5, I wouldn't allow a playdate at the home of someone I don't know.

"Yanky loves Eli, and would love to have a playdate with him. Can we meet at the park, so I can get to meet you while the boys play?*

imasinger

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 5:34 pm

I was in this situation once when my DD was around that age. She and the other little girl went on to become close friends, and it was great.

I'd say that if other people whom you trust say that the family is OK, why not give it a try? If you're really worried, you could arrange to meet in a park for the first time.

gold21

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 5:56 pm

I would (and always do) say that my son is scared to go by himself to new places, and that I always go along the first couple of times. totally normal and age-appropriate to take Mommy along on new playdates. at the playdate, I either chat with the other mom, talk on the phone, space out, play with my little one (most of the time he comes along too)- all the while keeping an eye on whats going on without hovering or interfering or ruining the playdate.

Pickle Lady

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 5:59 pm

gold21 wrote:

Yeah I agree that this is the best solution.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 7:01 pm

Pickle Lady wrote:

gold21 wrote:

Yeah I agree that this is the best solution.

I would do the same. I am not comfortable with the idea of sending a child of any age alone to a home I unfamiliar with.

Kayza

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 8:26 pm

amother wrote:

I don't know if I'm being a little cuckoo (although I think cuckoo is normal right now given recent events). My gut is telling me that everything will be okay, but I'm still a little nervous, and I'm not sure what the right thing is to do.

I don't think you are "cuckoo" at all. I probably would not send my child. If the mother is ok with it, invite the child over to your house.

Kayza

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 8:31 pm

imasinger wrote:

I'd say that if other people whom you trust say that the family is OK, why not give it a try? If you're really worried, you could arrange to meet in a park for the first time.

Because no one really knows her. The staff at the camp the kids are at say that they don't really know her, but from what they have seen she seems nice. The staff at the camp she works at say they don't really know her either. What does ht OP have to go on here? Nothing, really. At 5 years old, her daughter is too young to go to the house of someone her parents know nothing about.

anonymom

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 8:51 pm

Make up to meet her and her kids with your kids at a park and get to know her without saying no.

JollyMommy

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 10:38 pm

my parents were very unjudgmental of people (still are G-d bless them) and we could go to anyone's house in our class. I witnessed some CRAZY stuff (including abuse) and would NEVER let my kid go to someone's house I didn't know. Probably until high school! It's a good thing I've lived here forever, because I'll probably always know at 80% of the class.

If you want to be less neurotic than me, call their rav and check them out, or go together with them for the first play date. This is the kind of stuff I am very careful with.

goforit

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 10:50 pm

Hey even if the mother is a sweetie what are her son or dh like? Its best if they come to you.

amother

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 11:07 pm

OP here -

Thanks so much for replies.

I can't suggest a park play date, and I can't chaperone a play date, because it's nearly impossible for me to do that with my schedule and with my other kids (I have both older and younger).

I would totally counter-invite, but then basically it's the same situation, but reversed - she then has to trust her ds with a complete stranger....

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 15 2011, 11:32 am

amother wrote:

I would totally counter-invite, but then basically it's the same situation, but reversed - she then has to trust her ds with a complete stranger....

Yes but that's HER problem not yours.

I totally agree that you are not being over-cautious.

When my DD was in primary (Lakewood's name for pre-1-A), a classmate invited herself over for a play date. I know for a fact that the mother is an aunt (by marriage) of a close friend of mine, and she checked me out as a suitable, safe place for a playdate. I had no problem with that and respect it.

Some of my kids have become friendly with the children of my/DH's friends, because when they were young those were the choices for playdates, because I could comfortably send them there and vice versa.

mummiedearest

Fri, Jul 15 2011, 12:00 pm

a kid in my son's class likes my son and apparently new the way to our house from the bus route. well, one shabbos evening (like 6:30) I hear a knock at the door to find a strange woman and a small boy standing on our doorstep. they want to come in for a playdate. my son knew the boy, and they immediately ran off together before I could say anything. I told the woman that my kids have to be in bed soon, so I would have to kick them out in a few minutes, but how about a playdate next week? it seemed the polite thing to do, though I was a little freaked out that this woman showed up unannounced with her FOUR-YEAR-OLD at 6:30. she suggested 5:00 for the next week. I told her I don't do playdates so late, so we made it for 3:00.

well, she showed up at the appointed time and informed me that she would be back in a couple of hours to pick her son up. I told her I'd prefer she stayed. I don't know her son too well, and I wasn't sure he'd be ok here by himself. she didn't have a way to back out of that, so she stayed. well, her son was a little monster, and she completely ignored his behavior. (total chutzpah to me, climbed on furniture that I had just told the other kids not to climb on, nearly hit my friend on the head and smiled about it, etc...) she left when she saw my friend disciplining her own son. I won't go into all the details, but I felt like a truck ran over me.

this woman called me the next week to ask why I hadn't stopped my friend from disciplining her son (!) and how her friend yelled at this woman's son for "standing up for the other boy" (the kid went over to my friend and told her to hit her son) and how she felt uncomfortable with the situation. I tried my best to be polite, but I made no arrangements for another playdate.

well, she showed up the next week uninvited at 5:30. I had specifically told her that I don't do playdates after five. she kept telling me how her son wanted to go for a walk to my house. couldn't she say no? my son got wild, and after they left my son was chutzpadik for a full hour. I told him his friend won't be allowed to come back if this is how my son behaves after playing with him. he stopped immediately.

she showed up the next week at about 6:00. I was starting to dread shabbos afternoons. same craziness as previously, and she completely ignored her son's bad behavior.

next week, I had a plan. we were going to go out on a walk. we were just going out the door, when this mom and her son walk up to the steps. I told them, "I'm so sorry, we were just heading out for a family walk." she took this as an invitation to come along. fortunately, my son started acting up as soon as he saw his friend, and had to be put in time out, this woman obviously has issues with discipline. as soon as she saw that my husband was starting to take my son inside for a time out, she visibly tensed up. her son started to follow so he could play with my son. mom said NOTHING. I had to tell her son that my son can't play while he's in time out, well, shortly afterwords this woman took her son and left. thank g-d.

after shabbos I called this woman, told her that my son has been having issues with playdates lately, and that I was going to have to put all of them on hold. she said, oh yes, I totally understand. no problem. we can touch base in a few weeks.

she never came again. phew. ftr, my son does NOT generally have issues with playdates. this kid was crazy, and his mother obviously had some social and parenting issues to deal with. I would NEVER have brought my kid to her house for a playdate, having met her. even if I stayed. the whole experience was actually way worse than I've typed, I could write a book about it. suffice it to say, I'm VERY nervous about playdates now, and I will have to figure out a way to arrange them without going crazy.

different story: I had a good friend in 7th and 8th grade whose parents were divorced. I spent tons of time over there. I knew her dad had been physically abusive, and never met him. I really liked her sisters and her mom. I think I was there every shabbos, and we had a few weeknight sleepovers as well.

fast forward. I lost touch with her, bumped into her again, and went out to dinner with her to catch up on old times. I was around eighteen. well, it turns out her mom was a drug addict who had managed to od at her youngest daughter's fourth bday party. hatzolah had to be called. and apparently my friend had been smoking since like sixth grade. I had no idea. she had some "bummy" friends, but I didn't have much to do with them, and that didn't really bother me. however, I was disturbed to find out that I spent so much time under the care of a woman whose irresponsibility had caused her oldest daughter (under 13 at the time) to be in charge of an entire bday party of 4 yr olds. my mom always said there was something odd about my friend's mom, she just couldn't place it. b'h there were never any emergencies when I was at their house, and we all got along beautifully, so it's not like anything terrible happened. but it scared me. you don't know who your kids' friends' parents are unless you take the time to get to know them.

momof2+?

Wed, Sep 27 2017, 9:49 pm

Bumping this thread up as I just came across it and I'm getting freaked out.
My oldest is 4.5 and LOVES having friends over. I love when friends come over bec that means there is less bickering between siblings. He plays really well with friends. Some kids need me to guide the playing (what game should you play, now I think it should be the other persons turn....) while with other kids he could play in his room for an hr. (and I keep poking my head in nervous why it's so quiet for so long! Smile

)

So he is very happy going to other kids houses as well. I do find that mothers/teachers tell me that kids don't always feel comfortable going to friends houses this young. Some parents invite him over instead of me having their kid over.

I know most of the families he goes to, but now that he has new kids in his class and he wants play-dates...
Do all of you mothers only send to families you've researched? Does it matter if it's a Lakewood family a few blocks away?
I didn't do this just because I guess I'm naive and didn't think of it, but now I'm freaked out. I don't know if I feel comfortable inviting myself over with my 2 younger kids. The mother picked my child up when she came to pick up hers, and my son was picked up from her an hr later.

seeker

Wed, Sep 27 2017, 10:31 pm

I did the mommy-child playdates when my kids were that age, no apologies, no problems. But now DD is too old to have Mommy tagging along to playdates, yet she has a bunch of friends in her class from a different neighborhood whose families I don't know. So far she hasn't asked for playdates with those kids but I don't know what to do!

Shoshana37

Wed, Sep 27 2017, 11:01 pm

I have a rule in our house, you can invite your friends over as long as parents discuss it ahead of time and as long as it's in "OUR HOUSE "
I don't trust anyone I'm sorry. I hear too much news about drugs, child mallastation and other crazy things.
We have a neighbor in our block I just found out that is drug dealer and drug atick and his daughter used to be friends with my daughter one day when his daughter was in our house he asked her to come home immediately. He forbid his daughter to be friends with my daughter at that time I was hurt and wondered why but I had no idea he was drug attic at the time but BH Hashem loves me and my kids and keeps them away from our family.
I can't imagine what these kids are feeling and they are teenagers I'm sure they understand everything by now.

amother

Black

Wed, Sep 27 2017, 11:06 pm

Yes, please, please, please watch your kids and don't just trust people.

I am traumatized by a couple that I thought the world of; come to find out, they have been doing incredibly sick, twisted things.

I never would have suspected...

You can never be too careful.

tichellady

Wed, Sep 27 2017, 11:08 pm

amother wrote:

Of course you can be too careful. You can restrict your child from making friends and make them paranoid and anti social. Some balance Is necessary. I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience