Sending child for a play date when you don't know the people

DrMom

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 12:52 am

amother wrote:

My 5 year old ds attends a backyard camp. I got a phone call today from another mother asking if my ds would like to come to play tomorrow with her son after camp. I have no idea who this child/woman/family is at all.

I chatted with her for a couple of minutes on the phone (trying to figure out what to say) and then I told her that I'd have to call her back in a little bit. I asked my ds who told me that he loves this kid, so I then called the person who runs the backyard camp and asked her about this family/woman. She said that the child is a great kid and that the mother seems very sweet and "normal", but she doesn't know her well, but she thinks it's fine. She also told me that this mother works at another camp, so I called one or two people who send to that camp and asked if they knew her, but no one did.

I don't know if I'm being a little cuckoo (although I think cuckoo is normal right now given recent events). My gut is telling me that everything will be okay, but I'm still a little nervous, and I'm not sure what the right thing is to do.

Maybe this is one of those US vs. Israel cultural things, but I don't usually do an extensive background check on my children's playmates' parents before letting them go on playdates.

I ask my children if they like the child and if they would like to go to their home to play, and I ask if they know who the Ima or Abba is, and usually speak to the supervising parent on the phone beforehand. If I never met the parent in person, I might drop off my child at the other home and chat briefly with the parent(s) then. It's all pretty casual.

I'm happy that my children make friends easily and are invited out often.

amother

Black

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 1:02 am

tichellady wrote:

Of course you can be too careful. You can restrict your child from making friends and make them paranoid and anti social. Some balance Is necessary. I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience

Well, duh. Balance needs to be in everything in life. But letting kids play at a house that you don't know well is IRRESPONSIBLE as a parent.

Kids need friends, and there are many ways for them to have happy, healthy relationships without going to other people's homes when you don't know them well.

tichellady

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 1:16 am

amother wrote:

Ok but saying you can't be too careful doesn't translate to what you just said.

tichellady

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 1:50 am

DrMom wrote:

My parents are American and this is how I was raised as well.

DrMom

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 2:34 am

tichellady wrote:

My parents are American and this is how I was raised as well.

Me too (and I was raised in the US), but maybe I'm just of an older generation.

To me, many of the responses upthread strike me as unnecessarily paranoid.

In the OP's case, her child says the other child is very nice and they love to play together.
Everyone says the mother seems nice enough.
I don't see any red flags here.

Why the panic? Have your older children never been on playdates before either?

I think calling up her employer to ask about her is really out of line.

[I realize that this thread was started a few years ago, but my comments are meant to address the general situation.]

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 10:30 am

momof2+? wrote:

Bumping this thread up as I just came across it and I'm getting freaked out.
My oldest is 4.5 and LOVES having friends over. I love when friends come over bec that means there is less bickering between siblings. He plays really well with friends. Some kids need me to guide the playing (what game should you play, now I think it should be the other persons turn....) while with other kids he could play in his room for an hr. (and I keep poking my head in nervous why it's so quiet for so long! Smile

)

So he is very happy going to other kids houses as well. I do find that mothers/teachers tell me that kids don't always feel comfortable going to friends houses this young. Some parents invite him over instead of me having their kid over.

I know most of the families he goes to, but now that he has new kids in his class and he wants play-dates...
Do all of you mothers only send to families you've researched? Does it matter if it's a Lakewood family a few blocks away?
I didn't do this just because I guess I'm naive and didn't think of it, but now I'm freaked out. I don't know if I feel comfortable inviting myself over with my 2 younger kids. The mother picked my child up when she came to pick up hers, and my son was picked up from her an hr later.

What's done is done, no need to freak out. Probably play date was fine. But to answer your question, every society is the same. It makes no difference if it's a Lakewood family or a NY family. I don't send my young child somewhere if I haven't gotten to know the parents and feel safe about it.

Orientation, PTA, etc..are great opportunities to strike up conversations with other Moms and get comfortable with playdate ideas.

I also usually invite to my house first...also, I'll try to make connections...like DD told me she likes a girl named Esty. Esty has same last name as a friend of mine, so I called her and asked her, and she told me Esty's father is her husband's cousin, and mother's sister was in my seminary class. She vouched for them as nice people, so I was okay with sending DD there....

Nothing wrong with inquiring before you send your child somewhere. Ask a neighbor, friend, etc...your child's safety is your business.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 10:55 am

amother wrote:

I guess I'm an irresponsible parent. Oh well. My kids play by their friends houses all the time. I don't know most of their parents well at all.

amother

Mustard

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 2:04 pm

I always go with my 4.5 year old on play dates. Some of the moms think I'm overprotective (especially here in Israel!), but I'd rather get to know them, see their house is safe, see what kind of supervision there is, etc. If I feel comfortable after a few times, DD can go without me. If not, I just continue going. Most parents don't say no. And any parent who says no to me coming along in general is probably not somewhere I'd want to send my kid anyway.

Sometimes, the best way to get to know people is in the park on shabbos afternoon (that way you can bring all your kids if needed, which is too hard during the week sometimes, or leave some at home with your husband, which isn't possible during the week), or to even invite the whole family for a shabbos meal to get to know them (oh, DD is always talking about your daughter, we'd love to have your family over for shabbos lunch to get to know each other and give the kids an opportunity to play).