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Until when is "boys will be boys" enough?



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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 16 2011, 6:14 pm
I have 5 boys k'h, ages 1-12. The one year old and I guess the 3 yr old don't really count so much at this point, but they're learning Rolling Eyes . When they're wild and loud my dh says they need to calm down and I say, but they're boys, this is what they do. When someone gets hurt, it of course has to stop, but otherwise when do I say ENOUGH!!!???? My dh has two sisters and one brother, but his brother is 9 years younger than him, so he was never in this kind of situation and he says he was an angel Rolling Eyes LOL .
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Rodent




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 16 2011, 11:21 pm
My kids are younger but I don't hold by the boys will be boys thing to start with. If it's to the point where they're loud and wild then they'll be told to quit it, boy or girl. I guess you're saying that they're more naturally physical etc but if it feels wild or is loud I won't let it go on regardless. If I wouldn't let a girl do it I won't let a boy do it either, I'm not going to make excuses for my kids on the grounds of their s.ex. I'd have thought that your husband being male knows what 'being a boy' is like and if he's saying they need to calm down then likely they do...
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 12:14 am
I agree with rodent: "Boys will be boys" is an unacceptable excuse at any age. Allowances can be made for develpment and immaturity--we can hardly expect a three-year-old to behave like an adult-- but chinuch begins in babyhood, and to let a child get away with things because of his gender sets a dangerous precedent.

Yes, boys do need to work off excess energy in physical ways, but there are acceptable ways and places and unacceptable ways and places. If they need to shout and tear around, well, that's what playgrounds are for. I might also suggest getting them to knead your challah and beat your carpets for you.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 12:21 am
My criteria:

No chutzpa
No one getting hurt or made to feel bad
No destruction of property or possibility of such
Games with a purpose. Tag has a purpose. Jumping on couches and yelling does not.
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Kayza




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:00 am
yo'ma wrote:
When they're wild and loud my dh says they need to calm down and I say, but they're boys, this is what they do. When someone gets hurt, it of course has to stop, but otherwise when do I say ENOUGH!!!????

No, it's not "what boys do". I'm not suggesting that you never allow them to make a peep. But, wild is never a good idea. Besides everything else, it takes very little for wild to turn into someone getting hurt. It won't hurt the boys to learn better ways of amusing themselves, including various forms of physical activity. By the time a child is approaching 12 years old, he should also be able to manage without being "loud" - and making noise that is likely to disturb others.

Keep something in mind. Your husband may not have had a lot of brothers, but he went to school all his life with boys. You can be sure that he knows perfectly well what "boys do".
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 4:01 am
I am guessing that most of you who answered do not have a few boys in a row. It makes a huge difference. Yoma you need to give us examples of boys will be boys activities. I used to think each one of my kids has ADHD and then I went to a parenting class and learned what boys were all about. Now I realize my kids are good. LOL
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WastingTime




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 4:13 am
I have 4 boys aged 2-7 and yes, they are boys. I hear your dilemma. there is something to boys being boys and jumping and yelling for fun. to them there's just as much of a point as playing house (which the little ones play too). it gives them something to do, especially if its a competition or they need to catch non jews or something (I find in israel kids have to catch goyimnot robbers, bc to them non jews are mitzrim or romans or greeks). now when they get really crazy, esp the oldest and just run around screaming nonsense and working everyone up when im trying to do bedtime, or sometihng like that, then I have to end it, usually the instigator goes to his room.
. I dont know if theres a set rule of when it has to stop. whenever you feel like the atmosphere is just out of hand, and its more being meshuga than actually enjoying themselves, especially if you need them to do something, like get dresse/bathed/eat/go somewhere.
. my husband also hates when they jump on the couch, so I try to stop it but it doesnt bother me much. and yes someone always ends up getting hurt, but even that doesnt always end the game! I dont know at what age boys should be expeted to stop jumping and playing some interesting game of tag that requires a lot of yelling., like I said my oldest I 7 and hes def. not old enough to stop yet!
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yOungM0mmy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 4:13 am
abound wrote:
I am guessing that most of you who answered do not have a few boys in a row. It makes a huge difference. Yoma you need to give us examples of boys will be boys activities. I used to think each one of my kids has ADHD and then I went to a parenting class and learned what boys were all about. Now I realize my kids are good. LOL


Yup, I have 3 boys in a row, now age just 5, 3.9 and 2.5! And my youngest is extremely active - we need to get him enrolled in karate or judo or something. Meanwhile, he is in kindergarden until 1pm, which keeps him focused and uses some of his energy, but his favorite activity is sitting on the back of the couch as if riding a horse, and then propelling himself off. Second best is emptying anything he can find - boxes or buckets of toys, or cereal boxes. And 3rd favorite is pulling chairs across the house to be able to climb up as high as he can, to reach whatever he thinks he needs. Of course I try to stop him as soon as I see him doing these things, however, relatively speaking, riding horses on the back of the couch is a lot more tame than climbing up chairs to get stuff from high shelves or closets, even if he is sitting there and yelling "horsie" he can't really do much harm to himself or the house. And when the three of them get together, sometimes they play really nicely - reading books, playing clicks for 1/2 hour or so, and sometimes they're playing animals and riding each other. And we do have trampolines and a garden where I send them out if it's not too wet and they are going stir crazy.
I think the determining factor is can they behave when they need to? Can they sit nicely in shul (for 1/2 hour to an hour, not for 3 hours)? Can they respect other people's toys on playdates? Can they sit still for most of a meal without flinging their food, especially when out in a restaurant? My boys can and do do all that when needed, and I do get compliments on how well they are behaved, so even though I try to temper their antics most of the time, sometimes I do give up and say "listen, I have 3 lively boys, BH for that" and let it go. (Dh grew up with only sisters, so he loves the whole boy thing and going crazy with them Wink )
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 4:26 am
There is one thing, you should have set rules. "Don't be wild is vague" Punishing a child because someone got hurt and for a while he was jumping around and you did not say anything, or yesterday he did it without a word from you is unfair. If there are no "rules" then how are they to know when or what you cannot handle. I have one rule only, and that is You gotta listen to Mommy. This way if I ask them to stop and they do not, they get punsihed for not listening to Mommy not for the action or the fact that someone got hurt. Doing it like this gives me a chance to decide that one day yes and one day not. I try to give them fun and lots of leeway and try not to tell them to stop as much as I can. It works because I am VEERRYY consistent. Good luck and sometimes its fun and sometimes its At wits end
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 9:08 am
I would change that to "kids will be kids". It's either acceptable behavior - or not. Ex. hitting is not acceptable for all children. But I do let kids be loud and let off steam sometimes. I have mostly girls, and sometimes it can get pretty loud, but there are limits for ex, they can't be rowdy in grandparents house.
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Kayza




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 11:46 am
abound wrote:
I am guessing that most of you who answered do not have a few boys in a row.

You woule be guessing wrong - I have 4 within an 8 year span.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 12:07 pm
Thank you for all your responses. When they're not nice to each other and call each other names, I don't consider that as being a boy and I do put a stop to that. I'm talking about "play fighting", even though I tell them constantly there is not such thing. If the word fight is in there, it's not playing. When they do behave like that I tell them to stop, but not all the time. I don't always have the energy. When they do behave like that, I warn them beforehand that someone could get hurt and if they do, I will make them feel better, but will not have sympathy for them. How could I if they're willingly putting themselves in that position? The other thing they do is just run around, chasing each other. I don't let the 12 year old do it because it is a more childish thing to do.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2011, 12:11 pm
Kayza wrote:
Keep something in mind. Your husband may not have had a lot of brothers, but he went to school all his life with boys. You can be sure that he knows perfectly well what "boys do".

I hear what you're saying, but I think being a father is not the same thing. They see and hear Wink things differently. I grew up with a bunch of brothers, but we were also a bunch of girls. I think they balance each other out a bit.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 29 2011, 12:29 am
My sister has two boys, and she had to bolt all of her furniture to the walls! No kidding. EVERYTHING was a climbable surface to them. All breakables had to be boxed up and moved to the garage, and all cups and dishes were plastic for the first 10 years or so.

My daughter is sitting at the dining room table, quietly coloring her Magical Fairies book. Hashem knows just how much we can handle! Very Happy
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