"Don't cry yingale, nothing happened"

imasinger

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 3:09 pm

Spinoff to another thread, where someone mentioned that mothers sometimes say this...

If your child hurt themselves, would you say this to them?

I can't imagine saying something so callous. Is it a cultural thing?

melbee

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 3:16 pm

I didn't read the other thread, but I'll sometimes say "oh, you're fine" because I've seen that if I react like it's a big deal, he cries much longer and harder. I do pick him up and sort him out a bit (quick hug, kiss, etc), but I will tell him it was not a big deal if it wasn't. I generally say he's fine even if it may be more serious (like a cut) just to calm him down while I band-aid, etc. Sometimes hearing "it's no big deal" or "nothing happened" is exactly what the kid needs to hear.

Mind you, I've seen this kid run face first into a wall really hard, shake it off, and keep going while I'm having a heart attack. Then he trips over a stuffed animal, falls onto a pillow, and starts wailing. Go figure...

CatLady

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 3:21 pm

I was quite the drama queen as a kid, so I grew up hearing, "Don't worry, it's no big deal" whenever I'd fall, etc. Of course, when something was a big deal, I also got reassurance that everything would be okay. My brother got the same message - none of this "Boys don't cry" nonsense!

ElTam

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 3:26 pm

Yes, I think it's cultural. It's not my style, but if it works for another mother, then what's the problem.

I say, "You're okay!" to my kids when they fall. (Granted, I hug and kiss them at the same time, but I think if you make a big deal, even if they are hurt, it is for the kid.)

If they are hurt, saying "you're okay" doesn't seem like I good plan. I usually just calmly talk to them, "You fell down and got a scratch. Okay, we're going to do blah blah and blah. And then your body is going to start healing itself because HaShem made you in such an amazing way that when you get hurt, your body knows how to seal up the cut and make new skin, etc. etc."

Peanut2

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 3:33 pm

I say something like that often. Kids often look at parents/adults for cues on how to react.
If you make a face that says OMG ouch, the kid will burst into tears. If you smile, they'll run off and play.
And even when they do hurt themselves, a lot of crying is from shock and confusion. Calming a child down can help assess if they're injured and how badly. And saying something like that can help. I would say shhh you're okay.

And part of it is that this is what my mother said.

flowerpower

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 4:16 pm

When my dd falls she cries bloody murder for the next hour. If I make a big deal she will cry for two hours. I hug her/kiss the boo boo/ put a band aid and tell her to go on with her life .My neighbor who makes a big deal each time has her kids crying each time as if the world is coming to an end.

Shalshelet

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 4:31 pm

Ouch! My ears (and heart) always hurt after hearing such a comment. I have a Jewish book that teaches good values, but I had to change some of the lingo - the "Don't cry" part was one of them. (I changed it to "It's OK to cry, bubbeleh." I think it is cliche to say. Like some forms of sarcasm these days. People don't realize what they're doing to people's emotional well being when they say things like this.

When my child gets hurt I hug/hold her in a comforting way, and ask her, "do you have a booboo, or are you just scared?" That way, I can properly address the issue properly.

It's also similar to when parents teach their kids to say "I'm sorry". What we are really trying to teach them is to feel sorry for hurting the next person (especially since we can and should control our feelings). So why don't they say, "Please (,or "You need to) feel sorry for hurting so and so?"

Fox

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 4:40 pm

Not only is it cultural, but it depends a lot on the circumstances and the child.

There are far, far too many kids who think that crying is a perfectly acceptable way to react to minor mishaps and disappointments.

Now, that's okay if you're talking about a 3-year-old, but my DH was shocked when he drove a carload full of HS girls home from school after play parts had just been announced. Several of the girls were openly weeping about their disappointment. Obviously, we've all had to excuse ourselves at times or wipe our eyes a bit after stubbing our toes -- that's normal.

But I'm really against giving kids beyond toddler age the idea that tears are a legitimate response no matter what.

Of course, that said, I would equally fault a parent who chided a child or teenager for crying in a genuine crisis of some sort. That's very, very different.

So I think that this might be a perfect response; kids do need to learn that there are things we cry about and things we don't cry about.

Ruchel

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 4:48 pm

Fox, I agree. I am always surprised when I hear of women crying (of joy or sadness) for things over the internet, or on tv, for example (not talking of catastrophes).
IRL I do not really see this, barring hormonal crying (even then they try to hide it). My husband refuses to believe me, he thinks I'm already ultra sensitive!

momaleh

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 4:52 pm

I think you have to judge the situation. I have seen kids really hurt themselves and are in real pain and the mother says," you're ok!" No, he's not!!!!! He needs you to pick him up and make him feel loved and secure. It doesn't mean saying,"yingele, oh my gosh!!!!! are you ok!!!!! you must feel terrible!!!!!!" yes, that can send a kids into overdrive. Just some loving pats and kisses and encouragement should do the trick.

I always ask, in a non-emotional way, "are you ok?" usually they're happy I noticed, and either come over for a kiss if they're not quite ok, and then go play, or tell me they're find and then go play. You have to believe your kids whatever they tell you so they know they can tell you anything. Otherwise they'll stop.

octopus

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 6:24 pm

I think that saying something like, "it's okay," or even "don't cry everything is going to be okay" is fine and it's very different than saying "nothing happened." I think that is awful to say. something DID happen otherwise your kid wouldn't be crying. while I agree with some kids you definitely have to downplay stuff (I have one of those kinds of kids) , I think it's so awful to say nothing happened.

gp2.0

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 6:39 pm

When DD (17 months) falls I will pretend to ignore it unless she cries (so she shouldn't cry because of ME panicking.)

If she starts crying I say "oh no! Did you make a booboo? Come here for a hug and kiss!" And I cuddle her for about 30 seconds and then she's fine.

If she's busy playing and falls she either ignores it or comes running to me for a quick kiss before running back off. Very Happy

I think kids need to be noticed, validated and reassured but at the same time you don't want them to make a big deal out of every fall.

Of course every kid is different too.

HindaRochel

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 8:52 am

Depends on if they really get hurt! If my kid falls and gets a minor cut, I'll look and tell them, you're okay...go wash it off and I'll help them put a band-aide on. Also depends on the kid.

My 12 is a bit of a dramatists, so I take her emotional outbursts with a grain of salt. I still offer her comfort and some mommy time if she gets hurts or needs help. I try and stay calm even if it is serious and just assure the child.

kitov

Tue, Aug 09 2011, 10:20 am

My parenting style is "physical validation". That is, touching the "hurt" spot while asking , 'here?, oh, let me see what we can do'. Then I make this deep thinking grimace and render my diagnosis along with I'm sure it must hurt but I can see it will heal in no time. Show it to me tomorrow again. If it is a non-physical issue, like anything happening to the child that is bothersome, I'll validate their feelings, offer a solution and tell them to keep me updated on the issue.

This is how I wanted to have been dealt with as a child. Knowing how the "nothing happened" quote felt, I promised myself never to use it on my kids.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Aug 16 2011, 7:57 pm

gp2.0 wrote:

I think kids need to be noticed, validated and reassured but at the same time you don't want them to make a big deal out of every fall.

Of course every kid is different too.

Exactly what I do.

I would never tell DD that "nothing happened" because she knows darn well that something DID happen, and it hurts! I do my best to stay neutral, and wait to see how she reacts. If she's seriously distressed I'll take care of things in a loving and calm way, and if she just got bumped, I'll say something like "Oh look, no blood! That's good. OK, you can play now!" and give her a kiss.

My biggest problem is that she thinks bandaids are the coolest thing ever. I have to hide the box from her, or else I'll find her covered in them. I keep telling her "If you're not gushing, you don't need it!"