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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Removing Door to Bedroom
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Bleemee




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 17 2011, 11:37 am
Have you ever done this to your teen/had this done to you as a teen?
What warranted it?
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 17 2011, 11:43 am
I can't think of any scenario in which this would be the appropriate response. Privacy should be valued for all children, teenagers even more so. I imagine the long term consequences would be very negative with regard to the effect on the parent-child relationship.
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aidelmaidel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 17 2011, 11:47 am
My kids all know that if they slam a door or lock it in spite, I will absolutely take that door off.

I'm more apt to do it with the little kids rather then the teens. I try not to buy into the negative attention my teens are seeking when they slam a door - they know it will get a rise out of me so I don't let it get to me. Just part of being a teenager.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 17 2011, 12:53 pm
I think I would have to fear for their life or the life of someone in the room with them, to take such a measure.

I'm with MaBellevie on this one.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 17 2011, 12:54 pm
The only possible context in which I can imagine this being appropriate is in some kind of residential substance abuse program. Even then, I'm not sure whether it would be appropriate and/or effective -- I'm not really familiar with treatment protocols in such extreme cases.

As part of routine discipline or childrearing, this seems like a recipe for disaster. Even if it worked in the short-run, it would quite likely lead to an irreparable breach in the relationship between parent and child.
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shlomitsmum




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 17 2011, 1:02 pm
Fox wrote:
The only possible context in which I can imagine this being appropriate is in some kind of residential substance abuse program. Even then, I'm not sure whether it would be appropriate and/or effective -- I'm not really familiar with treatment protocols in such extreme cases.

As part of routine discipline or childrearing, this seems like a recipe for disaster. Even if it worked in the short-run, it would quite likely lead to an irreparable breach in the relationship between parent and child.


I agree 100% Thumbs Up
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 17 2011, 1:13 pm
I had situation where dd was angry and took an item that I needed and locked herself in her room and didn't respond to my requests to open the door. I didn't take down the door but we unscrewed the lock. Definitely not an everyday occurrence anyway.
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sushilover




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 17 2011, 1:37 pm
My mother did that to me once!
As a sulky teenager whenever I would get upset I would storm into my room, slam the door and not come out for hours. My mother warned me like ten times until she finally did it. I was FUMING, but deep down I knew I deserved it. She put it back up the next day.
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Bea21




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 11:37 am
I'd be really scared to.
My sister had an "at risk" friend who said that she was mad at her mother for doing things like unlocking her door. I think she said it was because she locked her siblings out of her room... (But then again, who's gonna believe a rebellious teen?)
Before that story I had never even heard of such a thing!


Last edited by Bea21 on Thu, Aug 18 2011, 11:52 am; edited 1 time in total
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MrsDash




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 11:48 am
I think it's a bit extreme for a parent to remove their teenager's door. At most, I'd take away the ability to lock the door.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 11:50 am
shlomitsmum wrote:
Fox wrote:
The only possible context in which I can imagine this being appropriate is in some kind of residential substance abuse program. Even then, I'm not sure whether it would be appropriate and/or effective -- I'm not really familiar with treatment protocols in such extreme cases.

As part of routine discipline or childrearing, this seems like a recipe for disaster. Even if it worked in the short-run, it would quite likely lead to an irreparable breach in the relationship between parent and child.


I agree 100% Thumbs Up


And I agree with you both.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 11:52 am
Although my evidence is strictly anecdotal, I've noticed that among my teenagers' friends/classmates, the most wildly rebellious teens correlate highly with heavy-handed, controlling parenting styles. I'm not advocating a hippy-dippy, low-expectations approach, but I am disturbed by many of the stories I hear.

Parents, especially younger or less secure parents, are taking advice from "chinuch experts" who advocate short-term obedience at the cost of long-term trust. They advocate entering your child's room at random times without knocking "because chances are the child is doing something he shouldn't" and eavesdropping as much as possible.

Of course, by the time the situation erupts, with the child rebelling in dangerous ways, the "chinuch expert" is nowhere to be found.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 11:54 am
yoshi wrote:
I think it's a bit extreme for a parent to remove their teenager's door. At most, I'd take away the ability to lock the door.


It's also very inconvenient to remove a whole door, and totally unnecessary when it's easier to remove the lock.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 11:59 am
I agree with you Fox that a parent should be overly controlling. But are you all saying that your teens each have their own room. Because of space constraints, my kids don't usually have a whole private room to themselves anyway.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 12:02 pm
Fox wrote:
Although my evidence is strictly anecdotal, I've noticed that among my teenagers' friends/classmates, the most wildly rebellious teens correlate highly with heavy-handed, controlling parenting styles. I'm not advocating a hippy-dippy, low-expectations approach, but I am disturbed by many of the stories I hear.

Parents, especially younger or less secure parents, are taking advice from "chinuch experts" who advocate short-term obedience at the cost of long-term trust. They advocate entering your child's room at random times without knocking "because chances are the child is doing something he shouldn't" and eavesdropping as much as possible.

Of course, by the time the situation erupts, with the child rebelling in dangerous ways, the "chinuch expert" is nowhere to be found.


Fox, I agree with the first paragraph. But my experience with chinuch experts (I leave out the quotes, because the ones I look up to are B"H REAL) is the opposite of what you describe.

I remember hearing a story about R' Yaakov Kaminetsky (who was very much a part of my childhood, as my parents were close to him). Someone visited him when he was young, and his young children were dancing on the table. The person was shocked, and said why don't you stop them? Isn't a table like a mizbayach (sp?) and wouldn't it be proper chinuch to restrain them from doing it since it's wrong?

He said they won't be doing it when they're 20. They will outgrow it on their own. Chinuch is to teach with long term goals, things that they wouldn't stop on their own - things like honesty, and good middos, etc...but let little children jump around.

All the parenting classes I've attended emphasize this. Slap a child, and they may stop what they are doing right now, but inside they are burning with resentment and would very much like to slap you back (and some will!) Criticise the child, and you will sow low self-esteem, even if right now the child obeys you.

Speak to a child lovingly, and teach by example, and though it may take longer the results will be more lasting. Respect the child (and that means his person, his privacy, his self-esteem) and he will respect you.

I'm a big fan of parenting courses/books/tapes (of course, from reputable sources). And don't wait till you they are teenagers, and your frustration has mounted to the point that you need to take the door down. Keep the communication lines open from the very beginning.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 4:24 pm
Simple1 wrote:
But are you all saying that your teens each have their own room. Because of space constraints, my kids don't usually have a whole private room to themselves anyway.


No, no . . . my kids don't have their own rooms, either. I was just quoting a particular speaker who appeared last year in our city.

Chayalle wrote:
Fox, I agree with the first paragraph. But my experience with chinuch experts (I leave out the quotes, because the ones I look up to are B"H REAL) is the opposite of what you describe.


I agree completely. I can also think of a number of genuinely knowledgeable people in the frum world who thoroughly embody a Torah approach to childrearing and chinuch.

Unfortunately, there is also an increasing number of individuals who use scare tactics and advocate zero tolerance for minor acts of rebellion. Their speeches are often riveting, but their approach is severely flawed. The rav whom I consult personally for chinuch advice claims that he wishes he could travel around the country simply debunking the advice of these speakers/writers.
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aidelmaidel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 6:30 pm
I want to clarify that I am not heavy handed in this situation, but due to *OUR* family circumstances, it is absolutely dangerous for my 7 yo and 9yo to lock themselves in their bedroom. That's why we have a no locking rule. I would say maybe once or twice a year we have an issue with one of them locking the door and once I tell them to unlock it immediately or I will take the door off the hinges for a week, they immediately unlock it.

As far as the teenagers go, I don't care if they lock me out - let them have the opportunity to calm down and eventually they'll come out when they're hungry (Usually about 15 minutes!).
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imabima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 6:44 pm
Chayalle wrote:
Fox wrote:
Although my evidence is strictly anecdotal, I've noticed that among my teenagers' friends/classmates, the most wildly rebellious teens correlate highly with heavy-handed, controlling parenting styles. I'm not advocating a hippy-dippy, low-expectations approach, but I am disturbed by many of the stories I hear.

Parents, especially younger or less secure parents, are taking advice from "chinuch experts" who advocate short-term obedience at the cost of long-term trust. They advocate entering your child's room at random times without knocking "because chances are the child is doing something he shouldn't" and eavesdropping as much as possible.

Of course, by the time the situation erupts, with the child rebelling in dangerous ways, the "chinuch expert" is nowhere to be found.


Fox, I agree with the first paragraph. But my experience with chinuch experts (I leave out the quotes, because the ones I look up to are B"H REAL) is the opposite of what you describe.

I remember hearing a story about R' Yaakov Kaminetsky (who was very much a part of my childhood, as my parents were close to him). Someone visited him when he was young, and his young children were dancing on the table. The person was shocked, and said why don't you stop them? Isn't a table like a mizbayach (sp?) and wouldn't it be proper chinuch to restrain them from doing it since it's wrong?

He said they won't be doing it when they're 20. They will outgrow it on their own. Chinuch is to teach with long term goals, things that they wouldn't stop on their own - things like honesty, and good middos, etc...but let little children jump around.

All the parenting classes I've attended emphasize this. Slap a child, and they may stop what they are doing right now, but inside they are burning with resentment and would very much like to slap you back (and some will!) Criticise the child, and you will sow low self-esteem, even if right now the child obeys you.

Speak to a child lovingly, and teach by example, and though it may take longer the results will be more lasting. Respect the child (and that means his person, his privacy, his self-esteem) and he will respect you.

I'm a big fan of parenting courses/books/tapes (of course, from reputable sources). And don't wait till you they are teenagers, and your frustration has mounted to the point that you need to take the door down. Keep the communication lines open from the very beginning.


Very well put!
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paprika




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 6:57 pm
yoshi wrote:
I think it's a bit extreme for a parent to remove their teenager's door. At most, I'd take away the ability to lock the door.


My kids don't have locks on their doors to begin with.
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Soul on fire




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 7:33 pm
I always threaten to take my 12 yr olds door away when she slams or locks it. I wouldn't ever really do it because I don't want to look at her mess. Plus for tznius purposes, since her bedroom is the first one in the hallway. But don't tell her that. Twisted Evil
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